How to Get Along With Co Workers

Co-authored by Lauren Krasny

Last Updated: February 12, 2023 References

Your co-workers are a central part of your work experience, but getting along with co-workers is not always easy. When you spend so much time with the same people, you are bound to experience some form of conflict, which can often make accomplishing your daily tasks more difficult and even inhibit career growth. Consider the following steps if you want to learn to avoid conflict and get along with your co-workers.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Keeping Things Professional

1
Keep conversations light. While you want to appear friendly and warm, certain topics should be avoided if you want to escape conflict at work.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- For example, discussions about religion and politics are generally inappropriate at work, and can end up heated. Also avoid overly personal conversations like your health, sexuality, personal relationship problems, or finances, and avoid asking your co-workers about these issues as well.
- If you feel uncomfortable with nosy or invasive inquiries into your personal life, or if the topic of conversation becomes controversial, do your best to change the subject. If that fails, you can either firmly but politely shut them down or try to leave the discussion diplomatically. Its often enough to firmly say, "I'd really rather not discuss that particular issue at work." If you'd rather not be so forward, try saying, "Oh! I just remembered something I need to finish," and then excuse yourself from the conversation.
2
Arrange to socialize during your breaks. Socializing excessively during work hours sends a message to your boss that you are not a serious worker, and encourages chatty colleagues to eat up your time.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- If a work colleague tries to chat with you while you are busy, suggest you postpone the conversation until lunchtime. Try to be diplomatic so that your work colleague does not feel rejected.
- For example, you could say something like, "I totally agree. I am so swamped, but I'd love to talk more at lunch. Do you want to meet up?"
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3
Avoid being the office gossip, and stay away from those that are. Gossiping and complaining among your co-workers often leads to some form of hostility between peers and superiors.^{[3]
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- It is best to remain silent or walk away when you hear your co-workers gossip, but if you can't, try reframing the gossip in a positive light.^{[4]
  X
  Research source} For instance, if your co-worker says, "Did you hear that Jamie got a raise and Ken didn't?" you might say something like, "Jamie definitely worked hard this year for that raise. She deserves it!"
- Remember that co-workers who gossip about one another or about the boss likely also gossip about you when you're not around. Try not to give these type of people personal details about your life that you don't want spread around the office.
4
Be more of a listener than a talker. Not only will you learn more about your co-workers, but you will avoid saying the wrong thing.
- Staying quiet will also help you avoid the stigma of being the chatty one in the office, or worse, being perceived as a gossip.^{[5]
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- Bite your tongue in particular if you tend to be quick-witted, sarcastic, or tongue-in-cheek, which can come across as rude to co-workers who don't appreciate your sense of humor.
5
Excel in your position. If you do your best when completing your own work, your superiors will see your dedication and know that any conflicts in the workplace are not your fault.
- Make yourself indispensable by doing an exceptional job at your tasks. This will also keep you busy and help you avoid conflicts with troubling colleagues.
- Go out of your way to help your co-workers. If you help your co-workers achieve their goals by relieving their stress, then they will see you as an ally. This does not mean that you do your co-worker's job in addition to your own. But if you see an area where they could use help and you have additional time on your hands, consider offering to lend support.
6
Show respect for your superiors even if they do not extend the same courtesy to you. Sometimes, the co-worker with whom you have the most friction is your own boss.
- Don't allow negative attitudes or heavy demands from your managers upset you. If you want pleasant co-worker relationships, then you will need to realize that people behave a certain way for their own reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. Be the better person by returning negative behavior with polite, respectful responses.
- If your boss's negative behavior exceeds acceptable limits-- if he or she harasses, discriminates, or otherwise illegally targets you-- see your company's human resources office for steps you can take to stop the behavior. In a small office with no HR department, your next recourse might be to hire a lawyer.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Improving the Relationship

1
Look at yourself. In any conflict situation, everyone involved tends to believe the situation is the other party's fault. Consider whether there is anything you could do differently to improve your working relationship.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- Do you have an aggressive personality? Sometimes you might come on too strong, and others might react by withdrawing or becoming defensive, even if you meant well. Try toning it down or giving them some space.
- Do you tend to be critical? Even if it's part of your job, the way a person offers criticism can feel constructive or like a personal attack. Some people with more sensitive personalities may receive all but the most gentle criticism this way.
- Don't be afraid to take the responsibility for a conflict, and make it right. Use "I statements" to deflect potential defensiveness, like "I may have overstepped my role" or "I am afraid I may have come across too harshly with my criticism."^{[7]
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2
Get to know your co-workers as people. Learning more about their interests, backgrounds, and families can help to relieve some of the conflict by helping you understand their personality, goals, and priorities.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- Invite them over to your home for a barbeque, or to a bar or restaurant after work. You can get to know them free of the stress of the workplace, and help them to see you as a three dimensional person with a life outside of work.
- Remember that negative and conflict-ridden people are often under a lot of stress. They may be fighting a medical condition, struggling to pay their bills, or dealing with family issues. Extend the same benefit of the doubt that you would hope someone would extend to you on a bad day.
- Be considerate of your co-worker's personal boundaries, and don't be offended if they choose not to get close. They may decline invitations or prefer to keep their work relationships strictly professional, and that's ok too.
3
Go out of your way to be kind. You might not be best friends with all your co-workers, but you can make a special effort to be kind, polite, and easy to work with.^{[9]
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- Never engage in behaviors that are considered harassment, such as making suggestive sexual comments or gestures or telling jokes that target race, culture, or gender.^{[10]
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- Consider leaving notes of appreciation for your co-workers, or bringing in donuts to the office once a month. When it's reasonable and does not add to your work load, help your co-workers out in little ways: grab their copies off the copy machine, offer to take orders for Starbucks if you're headed there anyway, or refill the soap dispenser. The little things can add up to a much more enjoyable working relationship.
- Going out of your way to be kind doesn't mean letting others walk all over you or letting others take advantage of your helpfulness. It just means treating everyone the same at work regardless of whether they are your favorite or least favorite person to work with.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Intervening in Toxic Situations

1
Recognize personality conflicts. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get along with certain personalities that conflict with your own.
- Avoid a problem co-worker. If you tend to run into the same conflicts with the same person day after day, consider making slight changes to your schedule so that you do not run into him or her at the typical times (such as during the morning elevator ride, coffee breaks, or lunch periods in common areas).^{[11]
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- If possible, ask to move desks or teams. This should be a last resort because you don't want to seem to be a person who is hard to work with.
- If you can't avoid them outright, avoid the conflict by ignoring it. Bullies often target people to get a reaction, so if you don't react, you might find that he or she will leave you alone.^{[12]
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2
Talk to your co-workers. If you are having a conflict or misunderstanding, your first step of action should be a calm, one-on-one discussion.^{[13]
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- Conduct the conversation in private, keep your emotions and tone of voice calm, and only discuss facts rather than opinions or feelings. Begin with the attitude that you want to seek solutions and improve workplace productivity, not to prove a point or redress personal grievances.^{[14]
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- Be direct but non-accusatory. Don't say, "You have been mean to me this week. I saw you rolling your eyes during my presentation this morning. What's your deal?" Instead make the issue something both of you can fix: "There seems to be some tension between us. I noticed you rolled your eyes while I was pitching my idea this morning at the meeting. Is there anything I've done? How can we fix this?"
- You may find that your co-worker has a rational explanation for the conflict, such as a misunderstanding or something they overheard in the break room. In this case, try to remedy the solution through appropriate explanations or apologies, and then try to work together to keep your work relationship professional in the future.
3
Stand up for a co-worker who is being harassed or bullied. Unfortunately, workplace conflict often seems juvenile and can veer into the realm of teasing, taunting, or discrimination. These behaviors are illegal.^{[15]
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US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
U.S. government agency that enforces civil rights in the workplace
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- Just as you would advise your children to do with a playground bully, consider your options: stand up to the bully and confront him or her, change the subject or redirect the bully's attention, or find help from a superior to intervene on your co-workers behalf.
4
Keep records of workplace incidents. If you are being harassed, bullied, or just sense that a conflict at work is escalating, it is a great idea to keep a detailed log of all the interactions with that person.^{[16]
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- This log can be used as evidence if the conflict ends up being taken to management. Write down dates, times, and actions or words that your employee engaged in. Avoid emotional or overly descriptive language; just stick to the facts.^{[17]
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5
Know your rights. You have the right to a workplace free of harassment and bullying. As a last resort, you may consider reporting a co-worker's behavior to management.
- Ensure that company policy and/or your rights are being violated before acting. Check your employee handbook and the harassment policy of the U.S. Equal Opportunity Commission (http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/harassment.cfm). Generally, according to the EEOC, "petty slights, annoyances, and isolated incidents… will not rise to the level of illegality. To be unlawful, the conduct must create a work environment that would be intimidating, hostile, or offensive to reasonable people."^{[18]
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  US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
  U.S. government agency that enforces civil rights in the workplace
  Go to source}
- Check the sections of your company handbook regarding employee behavior,^{[19]
  X
  Research source} which will typically point you toward your company's chain of command to report the situation. Depending on your company, this may be your direct manager or the Office of Human Resources.
- Be sure to handle the report professionally. Begin the conversation with an explanation such as, "I had hoped to avoid involving you, but a situation with a co-worker has gotten to a point that I feel we need to have a conversation."^{[20]
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- Avoid coming across as emotional, vindictive, or accusatory. Explain only the facts of the situation-- who did what and when.^{[21]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What can I do if I don't like my coworkers?

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Lauren Krasny is a Leadership and Executive Coach and the Founder of Reignite Coaching, her professional and personal coaching service based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She also currently coaches for the LEAD Program at Stanford University Graduate School of Business and is a former Digital Health Coach for Omada Health and Modern Health. Lauren received her coaching training from the Coach Training Institute (CTI). She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Michigan.

Lauren Krasny

Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach

Expert Answer

If you're clashing with the people you work with, just take a step back and get some perspective. Treat it as a learning experience. Look for opportunities to learn from the people you aren't getting along with and just try to be cordial and friendly.
Question

How can I improve my relationship with my coworkers?

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Lauren Krasny is a Leadership and Executive Coach and the Founder of Reignite Coaching, her professional and personal coaching service based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She also currently coaches for the LEAD Program at Stanford University Graduate School of Business and is a former Digital Health Coach for Omada Health and Modern Health. Lauren received her coaching training from the Coach Training Institute (CTI). She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Michigan.

Lauren Krasny

Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach

Expert Answer

Get to know your coworkers on a personal level. Ask them about their hobbies, families, backgrounds, and goals. This will help you better relate to them.
Question

How can I work with a boss who is out to get me?

Community Answer

Switch up the dynamic by asking him if there is anything you need to improve upon. Then follow through with those improvements, if necessary.