13 Ways to Flirt with a Guy Without Seeming Desperate

Written by John Keegan | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Have you ever been flirting with a guy and found yourself thinking, “Am I coming on too strong?” or, “Is he not catching my hints?” Finding the right balance between too much and not enough is the key. We'll help you with navigating this tricky balance to flirt like a pro and land the man of your dreams.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

1

Ask him for a favor.

This is a great ice breaker, because it lets him show off his skills. If you immediately ask him to do something for you, he’ll feel good about himself, and you can praise him for his efforts. Plus, it gives you an excuse to chat with him so you don’t look like you just came up to flirt! Try something like:
- “Hey, I’m having trouble grabbing this bag of dog food off the top shelf. Could you help me out?”
- “Hi, I live right next door and I just ran out of eggs. Do you happen to have any extra? I promise I’ll get you back next time I go shopping!”
- “You look super strong—would you mind helping me carry these heavy bags up to my door?”

2

Give him a few compliments.

If you keep them subtle, you won’t come off as desperate. Compliment him about something other than his body: his nice smile, his fashion sense, or even his laugh.^{[1]
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Expert Source

David Kornel Z
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.} Even friends compliment each other, so an innocent comment won’t come off too strong!^{[2]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.} You might say:
- “I love your hair, by the way. Not many guys could pull off that length, but you totally rock it!”
- “Where do you buy your cologne? You smell amazing.”
- “Wow, you have the best laugh! I bet you get that all the time, though.”

3

Ask him interesting questions about himself.

Show that you’re interested in him as a person, not just as a potential date. If you don’t know him well, ask him questions about his life, his hobbies, and his friends.^{[3]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.} Then, listen closely, and ask follow-up questions so he knows you’re paying attention.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Julianne Cantarella
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.} You could ask things like:
- “How long have you lived in the area?”
- “Does your family live nearby?”
- “What do you get up to on the weekends?”

4

Make eye contact with him and smile.

This is a surefire way to let someone know that you’re interested in them. As you two chat (or if you catch his eye across the room), hold his gaze, and make sure you have a small smile on your face.^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.} This subtle flirtation won’t come off as desperate, but it will let him know that you like him.^{[6]
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Expert Source

David Kornel Z
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.}
- You don’t have to hold eye contact the entire time (since that could be a little strange). Instead, glance down a bit, then look back up at him—he won’t be able to resist you.

5

Touch his arm and lean in toward him.

Your body language can signal that you like him without even saying a word. When you’re near him, try to lean in close, and touch his hand or pat him on the arm. Breaking the touch barrier is a very effective way to let someone know you’re interested, and if you only do it once or twice during a conversation, you won’t come off too strong.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Julianne Cantarella
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- If you’re sitting together, angle your body toward his and try to mirror his posture.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Cher Gopman
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}

6

Make up an excuse to get his number.

If you don’t have it already, think of a reason why you might need it. For instance, if you two live on the same block, maybe you need it “in case of emergencies.” If he’s new to the area, you could grab his number to show him around some time. Finding an excuse is a little more subtle than outright asking, so think on your feet to find something good. Other examples include:
- “You seem like you know a lot about this area. Could I grab your number in case I need any recommendations?”
- “Your dog is so cute! I’d love to grab your number and set up a doggy playdate sometime.”
- “I loved talking about books with you today! If you want, we could exchange digits in case you need any more authors to check out.”

7

Let him text you first.

If he’s interested, he’ll definitely send you a message. If you’re worried about coming off as desperate, let him take the lead, and wait for a message from him. That way, if he doesn’t text you, you’ll know he’s not interested, and you can simply move on.
- Some guys will wait an arbitrary amount of days before texting someone they like (ever heard of the 3 day rule?). In general, though, if it’s been a week or more and you haven’t heard from him, he’s probably not interested.

8

Only send one text at a time.

Double texting someone can come off a little strong. Instead, only send one text at a time, and don’t worry if he isn’t responding. Usually, people forget to text back because they get busy with something else—if he likes you, he’ll remember that you’re waiting on him, and he’ll reply within a timely manner.
- Keep his schedule in mind, too. If he works full time or goes to school, there will probably be times when he’s just too busy to chat via text.

9

Take a few minutes before responding to his message.

Try to match his response times so you don’t seem too eager. Texting back right away is okay, but it can make you seem like you’ve been waiting by the phone for his message. Instead, if he takes a few minutes to respond, try to match that time. That way, you’re giving him the exact same energy that he’s giving you.
- For instance, if he takes an hour to text back, wait at least 45 minutes before responding.

10

Save sexting for later in the relationship.

Sexting too early can make you seem a little desperate. It’s totally fine to send sensual messages if you’re looking for a strictly sexual fling, but if you want a relationship, it’s best to hold off. Keep your messages PG-rated, and save anything more saucy for when you two know each other more.
- If he tries to sext and you don’t want to, you could say something like, “I’d rather wait until we know each other a little better. It’s just a boundary that I have.”

11

Suggest an activity that involves your common interests.

That way, it can either be a date-thing or a friend-thing. Figure out something you both have in common, like your love of rock climbing, horror movies, or pottery. Then, invite him out to go do an activity that you both like. If things go well, you can call it a date; if things are more platonic, you’re just two buddies hanging out.
- You could say something like, “Do you want to go frisbee golfing this weekend? You have way more experience than me, so I could probably learn a thing or two from you.”
- Or, “I was thinking of hitting up that new hiking trail next week. Want to join me?”

12

Invite him to yours for a “movie night.”

Most guys will get the hint about what this entails. If you want to be a little more forward (and you feel comfortable doing it), see if he wants to come over to yours for a quiet night in. Then, you can pop on a movie and see where the night takes you.
- Say something like, “I wanted to watch that new horror movie on Netflix. You wanna come over tonight?”
- Or, “There’s a new Tarantino film that I’m dying to see! You interested?”

13

Tell him that you had fun hanging out.

Send him a quick text letting him know you enjoyed your time together. A nice text like this doesn’t seem desperate, and it will probably make him smile! Plus, it sets you up to talk about maybe going out again, if that’s what you both want.^{[9]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Try saying something like:
- “Had a really fun time tonight. Thanks for taking me out!”
- “Can’t believe I lost so bad during mini golf. I demand a rematch!”