How to Deal with a Girlfriend Who Is Jealous of Your Family

Co-authored by Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C and Eric McClure

Last Updated: December 15, 2021 References

If your girlfriend gets a little twitchy or acts out when you’re hanging out with your family, it can be a little confusing for you. It’s possible that your girlfriend is jealous of your family and wants to keep you all to herself. It’s also conceivable that her family isn’t all that great and she just gets jealous when she sees how good you’ve got it. There are a number of complex possibilities here, so it’s important to approach this from a place of love and empathy. With that said, you’re in the right place if you’re looking for help on how to quell this issue and get things back to normal.

1

Talk to her about it to see what’s up.

If you haven’t talked about it yet, ask her what’s going on here. How you go about helping your girlfriend get over this is going to differ dramatically depending on why she’s being jealous.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} It’s possible that she’s jealous because your happy family reminds her that her home life isn’t all that great (not a big deal), but it could also be a sign that she’s hyper-possessive (pretty big deal). There may even be something else going on. You know her best, so broach the subject and ask about what’s going on.^{[2]
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American Psychological Association
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- If she’s jealous because her home life is kind of rough, approaching this with love, empathy, and respect will surely help solve this one.
- If she’s jealous because she doesn’t want to share you with anyone else, taking a firmer approach will be more effective. Giving into that kind of energy and compromising over unreasonable demands is not healthy.

2

Understand where she’s coming from.

Take a step back and try to empathize with how she feels. She probably doesn’t want to be jealous, and she definitely doesn’t want to be so jealous that it comes through when she’s around your family. Remember that, and try to picture how she might feel.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Seeing things from her perspective will keep you from overreacting, which is a big risk when it comes to a romantic partner not being enthusiastic about your family.^{[4]
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- If she’s jealous because her home life isn’t that great and it hurts to see you in this loving home, she may feel a sense of anger or frustration that she doesn’t have what you do, or she may be sad that you have something she always wanted. This is totally natural, so let her know you get it.^{[5]
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  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
- If she’s jealous because she’s controlling, it’s a sign that she has attachment issues. Recognize that while this is definitely an unhealthy way to be, in her mind she’s losing you every time you express love for someone else. It must be really chaotic and frustrating to feel that way, so try not to lose your cool.

3

Let her see it’s no big deal.

Be extra nice to your girlfriend and have fun with your family. Pretend you have a good friend (and only a friend) who happens to be an attractive girl. If your girlfriend were jealous of her, she might relax if she got to see that there’s nothing going on under her nose based on how you act around her. It’s the same thing with your family! Over time, this problem may resolve itself as your girlfriend learns to relax.^{[6]
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- If your girlfriend is self-conscious at all about how your family feels about her, you really shouldn’t worry about her acting out in front of your family. If she does though, it’s indicative that there’s a serious problem you need to address. Do not bring your girlfriend around if she’s going to harm your relationship with your family.

4

Incorporate her into family events.

It sounds counterintuitive, but exposure can often curb jealousy. Try inviting your girlfriend to more family functions. Invite her to holiday dinners, bring her on the next family vacation, and put the phone on speaker so your girlfriend can participate the next time your mom calls. This should take a bite out of any sharp feelings your girlfriend is harboring towards your family.^{[7]
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- This is where your behavior plays a big role. If you haven’t been bringing her around your family on purpose and that’s contributing to her jealousy, that’s kind of on you. Don’t divide your family life from your romantic relationship. It’s normal for her to want to be involved.
- Jealousy is a combination of envy, anger, and worry. While the envy and worry might still be there, it’s hard to be angry if you feel loved.

5

Tell your family to show her tons of love.

Let your family know what’s going on and enlist some help. Tell your folks that your girlfriend has been feeling a little unloved at her home (even if that’s not true—it’s the safest route here). Encourage them to get her a gift on holidays and give her a big hug every time they see her. Ask them to invite both of you out for the weekly family dinner if they haven’t already. This will go a long way towards making her feel like she belongs.^{[8]
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- Do your absolute best to send the message that you just want your girlfriend to be happy. If your family thinks your girlfriend has a beef with them or that she’s causing you headaches, they may start to resent your girlfriend.

6

Spend time with her family to balance things out.

If she sees you having a blast with her family, she may let up. This may get her to realize how silly she’s being and relax a bit. Even if her family isn’t necessarily the best, try to express excitement about the prospect of hanging out with them. Suggest it out of nowhere. A simple, “Hey, let’s go see your folks this weekend. I miss talking with your dad,” might do wonders!^{[9]
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- It’s possible that she feels like there’s an imbalance in your relationship and that you two spend a ton of time with your family, but none with hers. It’s unlikely that would cause jealousy, but if you’ve misidentified why she’s acting out or upset, this may solve the problem.

7

Ignore it to see if that helps.

If you don’t treat it like a big deal, she might let it go. Let’s be real—it’s a little silly for a romantic partner to be jealous that you have loving parents or fun siblings. It’s possible that if you don’t engage with any jealous behavior, your girlfriend will realize that you’re not going to placate her and just give up.^{[10]
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- It might cause a fight or two, but sometimes that’s how you solve a problem. You’ll have a better argument than her, since being jealous of someone’s family is pretty illogical, so maybe a little conflict will put this one to bed. Just make sure that you’re respectful and approach the argument fairly and reasonably.^{[11]
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8

Point out how senseless it is to be jealous.

Sometimes, people just need to hear how silly they’re being. Emotions aren’t always logical, and if you just disarm her by walking through the scenario in reverse, it might just dawn on her that she has nothing to worry about. This seems like a novel solution, but you’d be surprised how often people will change their tune if they think about their feelings from a new perspective!^{[12]
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- For example, you could say, “Imagine I was jealous of your family. How would that make you feel? What would your reaction be?”
- You might say, “I’d get it if you were jealous of a female friend or something, but what is my family going to do? It’s totally normal for someone to spend time with their folks.”
- Alternatively, you could try, “I know it was probably hard to grow up your family, but you’re past that now! Why bring all of that energy with you?”

9

Set a clear boundary.

Be firm and concrete about what she can and can’t do. If she’s acting out because she’s jealous of your family and she refuses to see the light, at least you can curb the behavior. Just because she feels something doesn’t mean she has to act on it. Be kind and empathetic here, but also be very clear about where the line is if she wants your relationship to work.^{[13]
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- For example, you might say, “Look, it's totally normal and okay to be a little insecure sometimes, but I love my family and you too. I feel hurt when you get mad at me for seeing them every now and then.”
- You could say, “I totally understand that it can be hard to hang out with my family, but it’s unfair to be rude to my parents. I’d appreciate it if you made an effort to be nicer.”

10

Stop bringing her around if it’s just occasional visits.

It’s not the ideal solution, but it may work if you don’t see your family often. If there’s no weekly family dinner or anything like that and your girlfriend just can’t keep it together around them, just don’t bring her. If this is the only area of your relationship where there’s a problem and everything else is great, this might be a reasonable solution.^{[14]
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- You don’t even need to say anything concrete about this. Just say things like, “I’m going to see my family this weekend, you can come if you want, but it’ll probably be boring.” If you give her an out and she isn’t happy around them, she won’t want to tag along.

11

See a counselor if this continues to be a problem.

If she still isn’t letting up, it might be time to get help. If you’re still having issues with this after you’ve exhausted the other options, the two of you may benefit from couples counseling. Seeing a professional may really improve her ability to express herself, and sometimes it helps to have a third-party’s perspective when it comes to things like this!^{[15]
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- You can’t control how she feels and if she can’t bring herself to change, it may be time to call it quits. It may hurt to end things, but it might be your only option. There’s someone out there for you who will love your family just as much as you do!^{[16]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I deal with an insecure girlfriend?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Try to be empathetic! Sharing and understanding her feelings is a great place to start.
Question

How do I deal with a controlling girlfriend who is jealous?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Try to approach her concerns with an abundance mindset. Chances are, she's viewing the time you spend with your family with a scarcity mindset—in other words, she feels like your family is taking away from your limited time together. Instead, encourage her to view the situation with an abundance mindset by saying "You know what? We can find a way to make this work for everybody. Let's work together and figure out a solution."