How to Deal With Death

Co-authored by Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT

Last Updated: June 2, 2021 References Approved

Death is often considered taboo. Death is inevitable, but we tend to live as though we and those we love are never going to die. When we are met by the death of others, or by our own impending death, we are shocked and distraught. Despite this, death is the one thing we can truly be certain about in life—and coming to terms with it is an integral part of being human.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Mourning the Death of a Loved One

1
Give yourself time to grieve. The finality of the death may take a while to sink in, even if you were expecting the person to die. There is no "normal" timetable for grief; it is a personal journey.^{[1]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Let the emotions flow through you, and don't hold them in.
- Many people feel that they shouldn't cry, get angry, or show any sort of emotion when someone dies. However, grieving is a natural and healthy part of dealing with death. If you must keep your emotions private, make time and space for yourself to be alone.
- When you are alone, do whatever you need to do to release your emotions and stress. Yell, cry, write, ruminate; scream into the void from the top of a mountain; beat a punching bag with your fists until you can't feel anything else. Some people find it helpful to write their feelings down in a journal or a diary. This can be a great tool if you don't feel like sharing your feelings with someone else.
2
Consider taking time off. You may need time to grieve and process the situation without dealing with the complications of everyday life. If you need to take a couple of days off from work, speak with your boss and explain your situation. Tell your boss that you need a couple of days to recover from the loss, and most of the time he or she will understand.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- If you are unable to take off work, make the most of your time after work. If you have kids, consider arranging for a babysitter to watch them. If your kids need to grieve, this will ensure that they are supervised, and if you need to grieve, this will give you time to be alone.
- Taking some time off from work is healthy and perfectly normal in the wake of a death. It is not healthy, however, to quit your job, draw the blinds, and withdraw within yourself. You don't need to forget about the person who has died, but you cannot dwell on the death forever.
Advertisement
3
Remember. The person you lost may be gone, but you still have your memories. Think of a happy or humorous memory that the two of you shared. Think about what you loved most about them, and why you loved that quality about them so much.^{[3]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- You can make a photo album about them and look at it whenever you miss them. It can bring up some unpleasant feelings but it can also help you remember those wonderful memories.
- If this person was very special to you, consider telling your relatives, children, or friends about how this person positively impacted your life. You may even inspire someone else to be as kind, considerate, or passionate as the person you lost.
4
Find a good listener. You may feel better if you talk about it. Find someone who will listen to you without passing judgment. This person can be a family member, a close friend that you trust, or a licensed therapist. It can help to talk to someone who is not involved in the situation.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- When you feel pain, it may help to get those feelings off your chest. Sometimes you just need an ear to listen to what you are saying. The listener doesn't need to do a lot of talking.
- The person that you talk to must be someone you can trust that won't tell others what you said. It must be someone who will keep what you say in confidence. You have been through a traumatic experience, and you deserve your privacy. If you feel that there is no one in your life you can trust, go to a licensed therapist, counselor, or pastor.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Moving On with Your Life

1
Begin to move forward. Live your life in the present, not the past. It is important to give yourself time to grieve after the loss of someone close to you. However, it's also important not to put your life on permanent pause. Continue to pursue your dreams and focus on what you want to achieve in life. If there's one thing you can learn from death, it's that you should never take your life for granted. Live passionately, joyfully, purposefully, as if each day could be your last.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Don't feel like moving on means you have to forget your loved one. In fact, you may never completely get over your grief. However, with time you may learn to channel that grief into an appreciation for the cycles of life and the changes that come with that.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.}
2
Try to let go of lingering regrets. You'll feel much more at peace with yourself if you can appreciate the good times without fixating on what could have been. Try to embrace the mistakes that you've made. After all, we are all human, and it's only natural to make errors. If you are genuinely sorry about something, sometimes that's the most that you can do.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Try to think rationally: is it honestly my fault, or was there something preventing me from doing that? Is there anything that I can do about it now, or is it water under the bridge?
- If you still feel as though the blame falls to you, try talking to someone who was also close to the individual; they'll most likely comfort you and reassure you it wasn't your fault.
3
Be there for others. If you are upset, there's a good chance that other people are, too. Be there for each other. Talk about the person who has died, keep his or her memory alive, and support each other through the difficult days that lie ahead. Try not to shut people out of your life, even if you feel the need to be alone. You will need your emotional support system more than ever in the wake of this disaster.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
4
Consider cleaning your house. Throw away or store everything that belonged to that person or pet: pictures, cards, papers, notes, letters, mattress, bedsheets, clothes, shoes, and accessories. Consider renovating or repainting the room that he or she slept in. If you are not surrounded by constant reminders of the past, you may find it easier to move on.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- You can store things in an attic, basement, garage, or self-storage unit. The important thing is that you remove everything that reminds you of the person/pet out of your life as soon as you can.
- Consider keeping a few items as sentimental reminders. Keeping a deceased loved one's jewelry, mug, or favorite book will help you remember; leaving all of his or her clothes in the closet may only serve to root you in the past.
5
Consider seeking professional help. If you feel depressed, stuck, or overwhelmed by your emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a mental health professional. Find a well-reviewed therapist or counselor in your area, and pay him or her a visit. It's important that you find someone to talk to, and friends aren't always enough. A licensed professional may be able to help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- You may feel an aversion to visiting a "shrink". There is no shame in reaching out for advice when you feel at a loss for how to proceed. You don't need to tell anyone about your therapist if you're uncomfortable with the idea.
- Read reviews of mental health professionals before you make your visit. Browse [1] for profiles of therapists in your area. You should be able to read through each therapist's specialties, her credentials, and her price range.
- If you want someone to talk to but you're not sure individual therapy is right for you, consider joining a local support group for people who've recently lost a loved one.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

The Five Stages of Grief

1
Consider the five stages of grief. In 1969, Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published a book called "Death and Dying" about her work with terminally ill patients. She developed a model for what she called the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone grieves differently, and these stages do not necessarily unfold in a set order—but the model may give you perspective on your own process.^{[12]
X
Research source}
2
Identify the denial phase. The first reaction to learning of the death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions; indeed, denial is a defense mechanism that dulls the immediate shock. This carries you through the first wave of pain and bewilderment.^{[13]
X
Research source}
3
Recognize the anger phase. As the masking effects of denial begin to wear down, you may be flooded by the painful reality of the situation. If you aren't ready for this pain, you may subconsciously deflect it toward others: friends, family, strangers, or inanimate objects. Try to maintain perspective and recognize this deflection. You can't help what you feel, but you choose whether or not to let these feelings control you.^{[14]
X
Research source}
4
Be aware of the bargaining phase. Many people react to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability by attempting to regain control. In terminal patients, this often takes the form of desperate measures to cling to life. In mourning, this often manifests as rumination: If only I had been there for her... If only we had gotten to the hospital sooner... If only, if only, if only.^{[15]
X
Research source}
5
Ride out the depression phase. When the desperate bargaining subsides, you may be unable to avoid the reality of the situation. You may worry about the cost of the burial or feel an acute sense of regret. You may feel empty, sad, alone; you may despair at ever moving on with your life. This is part of the healing process. Take your time.
6
Accept the situation. The final stage of grief unfolds as you begin to move on. This stage is characterized by withdrawal and calm. Accept that your loved one has moved on, and acknowledge that you, too, must move on. Embrace the present as the new reality, and come to terms with the permanence of what has happened.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Acceptance does not happen overnight. It does not necessarily mean that you are happy—only that you have moved beyond the denial, the anger, the bargaining, and the depression. Just like a forest that has burned slowly heals, sprouts, and blooms again, your life will bloom again with new hope. Give it time.

Expert Q&A

Question

How long does it take to cope with death?

Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.

Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

This is different for everybody. Allow yourself to take as much time as you need. In some cultures, you may feel pressured to move on quickly. However, other cultures are more comfortable with sitting with the idea of death and dying, and it's more acceptable to take your time grieving.
Question

What are some misconceptions people have about death?

Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.

Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

Many cultures today are death-avoidant, so we don't really flex the mental or emotional muscles that let us sit with death or dying for very long. Other traditions spend longer times with the deceased, which can be helpful when you're trying to grieve. Also, I think a lot of people think of grief as a phase that they'll eventually get over, but it really is something that you learn to incorporate into your life and the way you see the world.