How to Confess

Sit down with the person (or people) you've wronged. A confession should ideally be a private, intimate conversation between you and whoever you've affected with your actions. Don't invite more people than you need to - a confession should be a humbling affair, not a chance for you to perform for an audience. Organize a small, in-person get-together with the person(s) you've done wrong to. You can be as direct as you like in your invitation. There's nothing wrong with simply saying, "I have a confession to make. When can we meet?" Try not to make a joke about this, laughing maybe taken as an offense and will ruin the confession

• Give yourself some privacy. Confessions can, unfortunately, cause emotions to flare. Don't open yourself or your confessor up to embarrassment by, for example, confessing in a crowded restaurant.

Prepare to be completely earnest and genuine. For much of our lives, we project certain facades and cultivate certain self-images that reflect how we want to be seen by other people. A confession is no time to worry about these things. Realize that a sincere confession reveals the inner "you." You can't make a good confession from a false position of superiority. You're acknowledging your own imperfection, which, for many people, is an especially difficult, intimate task. Any attempts to remain "cool" or aloof will make you seem insincere. Be ready to shed any pretenses that you normally maintain.

• Here's an example of a confession that sounds disingenuous: "Hey, Frank, I broke your trumpet. Sorry! Guess I don't know my own strength!" This confession doesn't seem to come from a place of sincere regret - by trying to keep the mood light, the speaker sacrifices the integrity of his confession. A better approach would be something like: "Hey, Frank. Listen, I have some bad news. I accidentally broke your trumpet. I'm so sorry. I know how important it was to you. "
• We don't only maintain facades when we deal with other people. We also routinely lie to ourselves about our true motivations. Be completely open and honest with your internal thoughts - why did you do the bad things you did? Don't make any excuses for yourself if you don't have any.

Make an admission of guilt.^[2] This is the central purpose of your confession - to reveal that you've done wrong. Be direct and to the point. Tell the people you have gathered with that you've made a mistake that's hurt them. Tell them that you feel bad about what you've done and that you want forgiveness. Calmly and clearly explain what you did, how you've hurt them, and why you're sorry.^[3]

• Don't beat around the bush. If you're confessing for saying nasty about a friend behind his or her back, don't try to ease into the subject by, for instance, talking about how catty the characters in the movie Mean Girls are. It's much better to just say, "I was mad that you didn't invite me to go camping, so I told Jen that you hate her. I'm really, really sorry. It was seriously petty of me to ruin your friendship."
• Be prepared to weather the anger or grief of the people you've wronged. If you've seriously hurt someone, don't be surprised if they react to your confession by getting angry, crying, or shouting. The emotions surrounding a confession can be very painful. Know that, no matter how bad things get during a confession, by coming clean you're making things better in the long run than if you had allowed this person to continue without knowing the truth about things.

Correct any false information or misconceptions. "Confession" implies that the knowledge of your wrongdoing is a secret. So, when you make a confession, you may also need to explain the true course of events surrounding your wrongdoing, especially if you've previously lied about what's happened. This is extremely important if someone else has taken the blame for your mistake or misdeed. You owe it to everyone involved to make sure they know the truth, even if the truth is painful.

• For instance, if you sat in silence as a classmate took the blame for the senior prank that you planned, when you confess to the principal, to exonerate the innocent party (your classmate) and to ensure that the guilty party (you) receive justice, you'll need to correct the "official" version of events.

Be humble. By confessing to someone, we lower ourselves before them. A confession is no time to be stubborn or prideful. Don't try to paint your actions as somehow noble or well-intended if they weren't. Don't excuse yourself if you don't deserve it. Don't use a confession as an opportunity to subtly build yourself up or put the person you've wronged down. Acknowledge your wrongdoing with humble dignity.^[4]

• Never blame your victim while you're confessing. If you've "borrowed" a little money out of someone's purse, don't say something like "I'm sorry I took your money, but I only did it because you wouldn't buy me those shoes I liked."

Ask for forgiveness. Be humble and direct. A line like "I'm really, really sorry. I hope you can forgive me" works fine. This should be what you want out of a confession - to get the assurance that you're forgiven in the heart of the person(s) you've hurt. This gives you a sense of closure and internal peace. It also allows you to begin to move on because when you're forgiven you know that you're "done" with the confession process. After you're forgiven, any additional guilt will have no purpose, so try to move on.^[5]

• Unfortunately, in some cases, the people you've wronged might not forgive you. If you've hurt someone multiple times or you've done something especially egregious, they're justified in withholding their forgiveness. In this case, it's not enough to say you're sorry - show them that you're truly repentant by changing your behavior.

Ask for advice. You've confessed and (hopefully) been forgiven. How do you move forward? A good first step is to ask for advice on to what to do next. For instance, the person you hurt might give you instructions on how to make things up to them. They might also tell you who else you need to confess to. They might even tell you how your personal relationship has changed. If you've done something serious, your relationship with the people you've hurt may be subject to new rules or boundaries. For instance, if you've used your access to someone's sensitive information to spread gossip, you may no longer be trusted with secrets. Honor these new boundaries to show you're truly sorry and to speed your journey back to normal levels of trust.^[6]

• Remember that confession doesn't "wipe the slate clean." Don't return to your old bad behavior. A confession should be used not just for forgiveness, but also for growth, so be sure to move forward, away from your bad deeds, not backward.

Notify the appropriate authorities for serious confessions. If you've done something wrong with serious consequences, like if you've committed a crime, you should make your initial confession to a law enforcement representative or another appropriate authority. Cooperating fully with the authorities also serves a practical purpose - it can be used to reduce the length or severity of your punishment.^[7]

• Never try to lie to a judge or police officer to avoid a confession. This is a crime. By making these lies, you make your eventual punishment even worse.