How to Break Up Over the Phone

Co-authored by Cher Gopman and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: March 31, 2022 References

Are you having doubts about your relationship but feel a little nervous about talking to the other person face to face? There are a lot of reasons why you might not want to see the other person, but breaking up over the phone is still a safe way to let them know how you feel.

Here are 11 tips for breaking up with someone on the phone that will help the conversation go as smoothly as possible.

1

Make sure you're ready to end it for good.

Take time to reflect on your relationship before making your decision. You may already have your mind up your mind, but remember that once you say those words, there’s no taking them back.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.} Think back about the concerns and doubts you have with the relationship and see if they’re something you can resolve. If you’re still certain about your feelings, then it might be the right time to end it.^{[2]
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Research source} Try pondering questions like:
- Does your partner make you a better person?^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Cher Gopman
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- Do they make you happy?^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Cher Gopman
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- Do they bring something amazing to the table?^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Cher Gopman
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- Avoid breaking up while you’re in the middle of an argument or as a threat to your partner.

2

Call in the evening or on the weekend.

Telling someone when they have time and space after helps them unwind. You don’t want to go to work or stress the entire day after a breakup, so try to pick a time where you both have free time afterward. Nights and weekends usually give the other person a little bit of time to decompress after the phone call and come to terms with the breakup.^{[6]
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- You can also try calling after the other person gets done with class or work.

3

Wait until they’re somewhere private.

Breaking up is super emotional and the person will want some privacy. Avoid breaking up when either of you are in a public place since you won’t be able to have as deep of a conversation. Wait until you know they’re at home or in a place where they feel safe and comfortable. If you aren’t sure where they are, just send them a text and ask where they are and if they can take a phone call.^{[7]
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- For example, you could send a text that says, “Hey, are you home? I want to talk about something,” and wait for a reply before contacting them again.

4

Tell them directly.

Prolonging the discussion could hurt the other person even more. Even though it’s a really tough thing to say, it’s going to feel a lot better if you tell them as soon as you can. Give the other person the reason why you’re breaking up and tell them that you want to end things between you.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.}^{[9]
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Research source}
- For example, you could say something like, “We’ve been really close for a few months and you’re important to me, but I’m not ready to continue this as a serious relationship. So I want to break up.”

5

Be honest with your feelings.

Giving your point of view helps the other person understand your decision. It’s okay to tell the other person why you were attracted to them in the first place, but let them know what’s changed in your head.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.} Express how you feel using kind words and without any insults so the other person sees where you’re coming from.^{[11]
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- For example, you could say, “I really love your sense of humor and all the time we’ve spent together, but I’ve noticed we’re arguing a lot more recently, and I don’t know if we’re going to be a good match as life partners.”
- Only say as much as you need to. Nit-picking all the qualities you don’t like about the other person will only make them feel worse.

6

Use “I” statements.

Avoid accusing the other person. Even though it might feel easy to shift the blame off of yourself, be respectful and only address how you feel. Since you’re the one who decided to break up, discuss why you want to break using “I” or “me” in the sentence instead of “you.”^{[12]
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- For example, instead of saying, “You spend too much time going out with your friends,” you could say, “I don’t enjoy going out very much and I’d rather enjoy time together at home.”
- As another example, instead of saying, “You don’t like my family,” you could instead say, “I enjoy spending time with my family and I want someone that I can feel comfortable with around them.”

7

Ask them about their thoughts.

Give the other person a chance to open up about how they feel. Even though you’re the one breaking up, the other person might have questions or want to respond to your thoughts. Ask an open-ended question about how they’re feeling and let them respond.^{[13]
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Research source} Listen to them without cutting in or defending yourself to show that you still respect them.^{[14]
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- For example, you could ask, “How do you feel about this decision?” or “What’s on your mind right now?”
- If they have questions for you, try to answer them as honestly as you can so they know how you’re feeling.

8

Prepare for the worst reactions.

Even if you do everything right, a breakup still hurts the other person. The other person might be understanding if they agree with what you’re saying, but they could also get angry or sad. If they’re mad, stay calm and ask if they need to take a break for a few minutes before continuing the conversation. If they feel sad, empathize with them and let them know their feelings are valid.^{[15]
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- If the person gets really angry, threatening, or abusive, tell them their behavior isn’t appropriate and end the call. You shouldn’t feel pressured by them to stay in the relationship.
- Some people will promise to change, but you can tell them that you don’t want them to change just for you and that you’re firm in your decision.

9

List some positive outcomes from the relationship.

Let the other person know what you’ve appreciated to end on a better note. Even though the main point of the breakup is to end the relationship, tell the other person a few things that you learned from them. Thank them for all the good times you had and reassure them with a kind sentiment.^{[16]
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- For example, you could say, “I really enjoyed the time we spent together, and I’m a kinder and more patient person because of you. I know there’s another lucky guy out there that’s going to be a better match for you.”

10

Break it off completely.

You’ll both have a tougher time moving on if you keep in contact. It can be really tempting to try and be friends again right after a breakup, but you need some time to process your feelings. At the end of your conversation, say goodbye and avoid calling or texting the person again. Try to avoid contact as much as you can so you have time to move forward.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.}^{[18]
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- Avoid leaving your relationship open-ended since it could give your ex false hope about what to expect in the future.

11

Let yourself grieve the relationship.

Breakups are tough, so it’s okay if you feel sad or hurt. Even though you’re the one who wanted to break up, you may still feel like you lost a big part of your life. Know that it’s okay to be angry or sad, and allow yourself to go through the emotions. Once you feel comfortable, try opening up to others about how you’re feeling and reach out for support from your friends and loved ones.^{[19]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Try exploring new hobbies and interests to distract your mind from the relationship.
- Avoid using any drugs, alcohol, or food to cope with your feelings since they’re unhealthy in the long run.
- Remember—the sooner you end a relationship that isn't right for you, the more time you potentially have to spend with your perfect partner.^{[20]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Cher Gopman
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}

Warnings

If you're afraid of a person because you've been in an abusive relationship, get support. If you need to remove items from the house you were sharing, have other people accompany you when you do so.

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Never break up in the heat of the moment. If the relationship is already broken beyond repair, that won't change once the argument is over and the anger has passed. Break up when you're both calm and can talk it over peacefully. That's when you have the best chance of closure.^{[23]
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Don’t be disrespectful during or after your breakup since it can hurt someone’s feelings even more.^{[24]
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