How to Believe in Someone

Co-authored by Ashley Smith, PhD and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: October 29, 2021 References

Trusting and believing in the people around you is really hard, especially if you struggle with trust issues. How do you know if someone truly has your best interests at heart? Don’t worry. While learning to believe in others isn’t easy, it’s definitely not impossible, either. We’ve put together plenty of tips and strategies to help you reflect, heal, and put your best foot forward in your future relationships.

1

Reflect on why trust is so hard for you.

Distrust can come from a lot of different places. Some people develop trust issues after a traumatic, life-altering event, while other people may really struggle with a tough, neglectful childhood. Sometimes, people with naturally guarded and cautious personalities may have some trust issues, too.^{[1]
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Research source} Here are a few questions to help you get started on your journey of self-reflection:
- Why do I have trouble trusting and believing in the people around me?
- When did I first have trouble trusting people?
- Can I trace my trust issues back to a specific event?
- What do I think will happen if I put my trust in someone?^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Ashley Smith, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.}

2

Acknowledge your negative feelings from the past.

It’s impossible to trust new people if you can’t accept the pain and betrayal from your past. Maybe your feelings stem from a neglectful parent, a cruel stranger, an ex-partner, or another negative individual. Instead of pushing these emotions to the side, try identifying and co-existing with them instead. Let yourself truly understand the pain and depth of these feelings without reliving the experience. In the process, you might come across emotions like:^{[3]
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- Rage
- Shame
- Hurt

3

Practice forgiving yourself.

Resenting your past decisions and actions makes it hard to trust other people. Past betrayals and hurtful moments can be really hard to let go of, and can lead to a lot of self-blame. Remind yourself that you are a valid, wonderful person who is worthy of being loved and respected, even with your past mistakes. One person’s cruel behavior only represents them, not you or anybody else.^{[4]
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- Replace thoughts like “If I were prettier, he wouldn’t have dumped me” with “I did the very best that I could in that relationship, and didn’t deserve to be treated the way that I was.”
- Instead of thinking, “If I were less naive and stupid, she wouldn’t have ghosted me,” think “I may not be perfect, but I did the very best that I could in that friendship. Getting ghosted wasn’t my fault, and I don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

4

Forgive the people who hurt you in the past.

Past grudges can make it really hard to trust and believe in other people. Forgiveness can help free you from the hurtful people of your past, and make it easier to for you to trust others in the future. Despite popular belief, forgiveness doesn’t erase or cancel out another person’s hurtful behavior. Instead, it helps you look toward the future as you leave the burdens of your past behind.^{[5]
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- A lot of people believe that forgiveness is something you do for someone else, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Forgiveness is actually about freeing yourself from the pain of the past and finding the courage and resolve to move forward.^{[6]
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5

Make and keep commitments with yourself.

It’s really hard to trust other people when you don’t trust yourself. Focus on setting a small goal or commitment for yourself, like going for a walk or scheduling a doctor’s appointment. Your self-trust will slowly begin to blossom as you achieve these goals, however small or insignificant they may seem at the time. You could make a commitment to:^{[7]
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- Visit your place of worship once a week
- Meet up with a friend twice a month
- Unload the dish rack every day
- Think 1 positive thought every hour

6

Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones.

Believing in people is hard when you have a negative mindset. Try to identify and fight negative thoughts as they enter your mind. Instead of internalizing these nasty thoughts, come up with a positive, uplifting response to them. As you learn to go easy on yourself, you’ll have an easier time giving other people the benefit of the doubt, too.^{[8]
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Research source} Here are a few positive thought replacements that you can try:
- Instead of thinking “You’re an idiot” think “That wasn’t my smartest move, but I’ve learned and grown since then.”
- Replace “You’re such a screw-up” with “Everyone makes mistakes. All that matters is that I learn from my errors and try to improve.”

7

Take a small leap of faith by sharing something about yourself.

Confide in an acquaintance or co-worker who seems kind and trustworthy. You don’t have to share something uber personal, like your greatest fear or an embarrassing childhood memory. Instead, just share something new about yourself that the other person might not know. Invite the other person to share something about themselves too, and see where the chat goes from there. Afterward, give yourself a few days to mull over how the conversation went.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Ashley Smith, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.}^{[10]
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- You might chat about your weekend plans, your favorite vacation spot, or your least favorite thing about your job.
- Striking up a conversation with an acquaintance may feel a little strange at first. That’s okay! Start by talking about something really simple and basic, and then working your way up from there.
- Over time, you may find it easier to open up on a deeper level.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Ashley Smith, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.}

8

Talk to a supportive friend or loved one.

Trust issues can be really hard to conquer on your own, especially if they stem from a betrayal. Take some time to sit down and chat with a close friend or relative and let them know what you’re struggling with. They’ll be able to lend you a listening ear and remind you that you aren’t alone.^{[12]
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Research source} You might say:
- “After what Mark did to me, I’m having trouble trusting everyone around me.”
- “Ever since my past relationship, I assume that everyone is lying to me.”
- “After the way my mom treated me, I feel like everyone has it out for me.”

9

Trust only the people who deserve it.

Figure out which people have earned your belief in them. Try to clear your mind and think about all the relationships in your life, whether they’re friends, relatives, acquaintances, co-workers, or perfect strangers. Who do you trust the most out of these people, and who would you feel comfortable trusting in the future?^{[13]
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- You might extend a little more trust to a friendly co-worker who is always helpful and kind.
- You might steer clear of an acquaintance who spreads rumors about people behind their backs.
- Overcoming trust issues doesn’t mean that you have to automatically trust everyone in your life. Instead, it’s about discerning who is trustworthy and who isn’t.

10

Visit a therapist.

Therapy can help you tackle your trust issues head-on. A therapist can help you pinpoint the exact cause of your trust issues, and provide some useful tips and strategies to help you build more trust in your life. A therapist may also provide some useful coping mechanisms for the future.^{[14]
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- Group therapy is another great option! Discussing your fears and experiences with others can be a great source of comfort.
- You can also chat with a trusted spiritual leader.

Expert Q&A

Question

What does it mean to believe in someone?

Ashley Smith, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Ashley Smith is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Co-Founder of Peak Mind: The Center for Psychological Strength. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in treating anxiety and obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Dr. Smith has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post and Thrive Global. She has also been published in multiple peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Anxiety Disorders and The Behavior Therapist. Dr. Smith holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Central Arkansas and both an MA and PhD in Clinical Psychology from The University of Nebraska, Lincoln.

Ashley Smith, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Believing and trusting someone is all about putting yourself out there. You're accepting the risk of getting hurt for the opportunity to be closer with someone.
Question

What do I do if I can't trust anyone?

Ashley Smith, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Ashley Smith is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Co-Founder of Peak Mind: The Center for Psychological Strength. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in treating anxiety and obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Dr. Smith has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post and Thrive Global. She has also been published in multiple peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Anxiety Disorders and The Behavior Therapist. Dr. Smith holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Central Arkansas and both an MA and PhD in Clinical Psychology from The University of Nebraska, Lincoln.

Ashley Smith, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Take small steps in your friendships and relationships. You don't have to 100% trust someone at once—instead, give them small opportunities to gradually show that they're trustworthy. Over time, you might feel more comfortable confiding in someone who consistently doesn't let you down.
Question

What does it mean when you can't trust someone?

Ashley Smith, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Ashley Smith is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Co-Founder of Peak Mind: The Center for Psychological Strength. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in treating anxiety and obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Dr. Smith has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post and Thrive Global. She has also been published in multiple peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Anxiety Disorders and The Behavior Therapist. Dr. Smith holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Central Arkansas and both an MA and PhD in Clinical Psychology from The University of Nebraska, Lincoln.

Ashley Smith, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Being unable to trust someone means you're afraid of being taken advantage of. Saying "I don't trust someone" is the same as saying "I'm afraid of getting hurt in some way. I don't want to open up and be vulnerable to this person because I either am worried about how they're going to react."