How to Be Best Friends With Your Adult Daughter

Last Updated: December 7, 2022 References

Through mutual understanding, good communication, and seeking out fun activities to do together, moms and daughters can enjoy not only a positive familial relationship, but a real friendship. Certainly, the mother-daughter relationship is notorious for being a complicated one, and new tensions often emerge when daughters reach adulthood. Conflict between adult mothers and daughters over work, marriage, family, and life events can inhibit the formation of a peer-to-peer relationship. Yet, there are certain approaches mothers can take to establish healthy and lasting relationships with their adult daughters.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Building On the Past

1
Learn about your family history. Seeking out information about your family’s past can help mothers and daughters find common ground and understand their legacy within the family.
- Create a family scrapbook, family photo album, or work on constructing an extended family tree together.
- Present your research and stories to other family members. These conversations will help foster a sense of closeness and shared experience.
2
Forge a new relationship between two adults. Rather than a parent-child relationship, work on creating an adult peer relationship. Even though parenting is a lifelong commitment, the nature of the parent-child relationship must transform as children become more psychologically, socially, and economically independent.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Communicate not as mother and daughter, but as mutual friends who enjoy common interests and activities. Discuss problems, issues, and questions thoughtfully and calmly, the way two friends would.
- Maintain a sense of humor and affection. Rely on your decades-long relationship to reminisce and joke with each other about funny memories or situations.
Advertisement
3
Balance friendship and fun with emotionally supportive parenting. Consistent parental interest, attention, and approval is critical to any parent-child relationship no matter the age or stage of the children.
- Nurture your daughter’s development even as an adult through encouragement and reassurance. Research has shown that a mother’s continued support can foster important psychological development for an adult daughter developing an independent sense of self and identity.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
4
Examine the state of your relationship to find its weak spots. Mothers often report more tension in their relationship with their daughter than with sons.^{[3]
X
Research source} Often, this tension stems from both intergenerational differences and disagreement over habits, traits, and general behavior.^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Recognizing these barriers can be the first step in creating a healthy relationship between you and your daughter.
5
Work to overcome generational differences between mother and daughter through understanding and recognition of social change. It can be difficult for a mother who did not work to accept that her daughter, who works full-time, will have less time to devote to household tasks or childcare.
- According to the U.S. Department of Labor, women comprised 47% of the total labor force in 2010. But in generations past, women were more likely to stay home after marriage in order to raise children. In 1960, only nineteen percent of married women with preschool age children worked outside the home.
- Many older mothers are concerned that their daughters who work and also have families are over-extended and stressed. These opinions over work and lifestyle differences can strain the bond between parent and child.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
6
Seek family counseling if necessary to overcome interpersonal issues. In addition to generational differences, disagreements can stem from interpersonal conflict between mom and daughter.
- For example, mothers may still perceive their adult daughters as lazy, lacking respect, or irresponsible, even though these traits are more associated with the earlier teenage years.^{[6]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Spending Time Together

1
Find common interests. Seek out hobbies and activities that deepen the mother-daughter bond and provide relaxation and fun for both parties.
- Pursue fun activities together. Exercising, shopping, trying new restaurants, seeing movies, making crafts, getting spa treatments, or even something as simple as getting coffee together can help mothers and daughters find fun connections.
2
Use modern technology to your advantage. If you and your daughter don’t live close enough to interact on a regular in-person basis, try using other methods to connect.
- Phone and video calls, as well as texting and using social media apps to connect daily or weekly can help ease the burden of distance.
- Schedule a weekly or even a daily chat date at a mutually agreeable time.
3
Spend time together in groups with other family and friends. Attending family reunions, family outings, or doing activities with other friends of the family can be relaxing and enjoyable, and takes away the pressure of spending too much one-on-one time.
4
Go on vacation together. Getting away from the daily grind can help both moms and daughters relax, recharge, and improve communication.
- Family vacations have proven mental and physical health benefits, including decreased depression and an improvement in heart health.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
- Taking vacations with family members, including mother-daughter trips, help create fun memories, improve resilience to changing circumstances, and allow families to be with each other without the stresses of home.
5
Find ways, small and large, to show your love and appreciation for each other. Writing notes, giving small gifts, or even saying “Thank you” or “I love you” can go a long way to improving the relationship between both mom and daughter.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Cultivating a Healthy Relationship

1
Create healthy boundaries. A sense of respect for the privacy of the adult daughter’s choices is a key part of a functional mother-daughter relationship.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
- Allow relationship change to happen naturally. Know that it is normal to experience transitions in the mother-daughter relationship. Changes like marriage, moves, and the arrival of grandchildren can cause both moms and daughters to reexamine how they interact with each other.
- Avoid offering unsolicited opinions. A mom’s advice, while well-meaning, can feel like negative judgement.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}
2
Ensure that the level and amount of contact and communication is appropriate on both sides of the relationship. Work toward respectful communication on all issues even when mother and daughter disagree. This creates a sense of mutual consideration between mom and daughter, rather than the daughter feeling that her mother wants to dictate her daughter’s choices.
- Respect your daughter’s need for independence. For example, mothers who constantly call, text, or show up uninvited can make adult daughters’ feel smothered and resentful.
3
Make room for your daughter’s partner/spouse. Unless there is reason to suspect that a daughter is engaged in an unhealthy or abusive relationship with her significant other, it is especially important for mothers to nurture and support their daughters’ close connections with others.
- Avoid inserting yourself or taking sides during arguments between your daughter and her significant other.
- Refrain from criticizing your daughter’s partner – this can become a source of unhappiness and trouble in their own relationship.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- Respect the couple’s privacy. Understand that your daughter’s relationship with her partner is separate and distinct from your relationship with her.
4
Listen carefully and maintain confidentiality. Daughters want to know that they can trust their moms with private information.
- Avoid telling other family members or outsiders about a daughter’s life problems or issues.^{[11]
  X
  Research source}
5
Assist your daughter physically and emotionally when you can. Whether it’s babysitting grandchildren, helping a daughter move, or caring for her when she’s ill, a mother’s help is always appreciated no matter the daughter’s age.