How to Tell if a Girl Is Using You

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: May 30, 2021 References Approved

It's a sad truth, but it happens all the time: people use each other to get what they want. Sometimes, it can happen in a relationship. If you think you are being used by a woman, you should watch for the signs below; if you see a combination of quite a few of them, the person you're with may be using you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Looking for Early Signs

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Assess your status. Look at what you have that a girl could want. From good looks to a nice cash flow or a good car, you could be used for any number of things. You can also be used for your clout, whether it's being a big name on a small campus or even becoming moderately famous.^{[1]
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- Of course, you don't have to be a big deal to be used. You can be taken advantage of no matter who you are. For instance, if the relationship is always one-sided, such as you're always driving her everywhere, you could be being taken advantage of.
2
Assess her desire for status. See if she only seems interested in going out with you if you take her somewhere nice. Watch if she just wants to just go somewhere where she can be seen with you. She could also be just hanging around to meet certain co-workers. Keep an eye out if she's more interested in that than in just spending time with you.^{[2]
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- She could also be looking for a free ride, literally, or just someone who will be there when she needs something.
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3
Watch for needy calls. That is, some women may use you by only calling when they want something. Maybe they want you to fix something or pick up something for them. Pay attention to when women call and how they talk on the phone with you. If she only calls every few weeks and seems to want a favor each time, she may not be that into you.^{[3]
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4
Check for work-only flirting. If she only wants to chat you up at work, she may just be using you to get ahead. You can check by asking her out on a date, but be careful, since work relationships can be tricky. Similarly, if she works somewhere else but only calls you at work to ask work questions, she could just be using you.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Watching for Signs When Dating

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See if she ever offers to pay. Some people may assume that men should still pay for everything. However, that's usually not a true statement anymore. If she never even offers to pay for anything, even if you refuse, she could be using you.^{[5]
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2
Look for her actually listening. That is, when you talk on the phone or get together, see if she only talks about herself. If she doesn't take the time to listen to what's going in with you, then she's probably not in it for the long haul.^{[6]
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3
Check if choosing a place to go is all about her. That is, maybe she will only do things she wants to do. Alternatively, maybe she'll call only when something is going on in town, such as a big concert or a new club opening, that she wants you to pay for.^{[7]
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- She may also be hesitant to hang out when you suggest something, but eager when she wants to go somewhere.^{[8]
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4
See if she's commitment-phobic. If she's always trying to keep her options open, rather than committing to plans with you, she could be just wanting to play the field. However, she also could just be stringing you along.
- If you notice that she's pulling away, back off and give her space. Try to remain positive and keep yourself busy. Don't spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself—she might actually find it more attractive if you show her that you're focused on yourself.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
5
See if she's only calling for sex. If she's only calling late, say after 10 or 11 PM, she may just want to have sex with you. You do have to take her schedule into consideration; she may be calling late because that's when she gets out of class or off work. Of course, if you're both open to that type of relationship, it's fine. However, if you want more than that, you may need to end it.^{[10]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Paying Attention to How She Treats You

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Wait for an apology. Everyone does something wrong sometimes. You apologize and move on. However, if she never seems to want to apologize, that's likely a sign she doesn't care about the relationship. She may even use tears to move the situation along without her having to admit she was wrong.^{[11]
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- Of course, apologizing goes both ways. You have to be willing to apologize in a relationship, too.
2
Watch how she introduces you. If she's proud to be in the relationship, she'll be happy to call you her boyfriend. However, if she doesn't want to acknowledge you publicly, she may be using you, especially if you've talked about being exclusive in private.^{[12]
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3
See if she shows you off. Meaning, see if she actually wants you to meet her friends and family. If she deflects questions about getting together with her friends, she may be using you. A person who is excited to be in an honest relationship will likely want you to meet the other people she cares about.^{[13]
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4
Look for when she disappears. That is, does she suddenly drop off the map if you're low on cash? Do you not see her if your car is in for repairs and you sometimes give her a ride? If you notice she's only around when you have something material to offer, she's likely using you.^{[14]
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- Similarly, if she's all sweetness and light when she's asking for something but then turns mean once she gets it, she may just be using you.^{[15]
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5
Make sure she values your time. For instance, if she's constantly cancelling plans, she doesn't value your time. Everyone has to cancel sometimes, but if she is always bowing out at the last minute, that could be a sign she's not into you. Similarly, if she constantly wants you to change what other plans you have, she's saying she doesn't care about what you value.^{[16]
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- For instance, if you notice that she tends to avoid eye contact around you, spends a lot of time on her phone, and mostly talks about herself, she might not be ready for a serious relationship with you.^{[17]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Confronting the Problem

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Tell her how you feel. Think about what you want to say beforehand, and remember to include specific examples of how you think she is using you.^{[18]
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- Be ready for some anger. If the person is using you, she'll likely deny it and be angry about it. If she feels like she's not using you, she'll likely be angry at the accusation.
- Remember, you have the right to be treated well in your relationship. If you aren't being treated that way, value yourself enough to accept that this might not be the right person for you.^{[20]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
2
Have an honest discussion about needs. Ask her what she needs and expects from a relationship. Present what you need and expect from a relationship. Negotiate from there how the relationship can move forward.
3
Be ready for what's ahead. You can only have one of two outcomes with this situation. Either you will need to work out a way to create a new type of relationship, or you will need to end it altogether.^{[21]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

What should I do if I think a girl was just using me?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Once you realize she may not have been the one, don't just sit around and feel bad about how things didn't go the way you hoped. Instead, go out on more dates, meet new people, and focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Eventually, you'll meet the right person and realize why the other one didn't work out.