Helping you solve the age-old question: Why is my brother so annoying?
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This article was co-authored by Rebecca Kason, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy.
There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 921,454 times.
Siblings can be wonderful lifelong friends, but at some point, you and your brother will likely clash. If you’re tired of him interrupting you while you’re with friends or barging into your room unannounced, you’re not alone—sibling rivalries are very common, both for older and younger brothers. Fortunately, we’ve got the tried and true tactics you can use to stop your brother from annoying you and get back to relaxing. For helpful tips in any situation, keep reading.
Things You Should Know
- Focus on easing tensions with your brother rather than adding to the conflict.
- Cheer up and motivate your brother if you suspect his annoying behavior stems from jealousy.
- Ask a parent to help address some of the tensions between you and your brother.
- Set clear boundaries with your brother so he's less likely to annoy you in the future.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 4:
Easing Tensions
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1Ignore your brother rather than responding. If your brother is being difficult, you may have to try temporarily ignoring him. This isn't a very effective strategy in the long run, but if you want to avoid lashing out in anger, the best response is to just ignore him.[1]
- Not responding is not a sign of weakness. If anything, it takes more strength and willpower to resist lashing out at your brother.
- Remember that you have to pick and choose your battles. You can't engage with your brother every single time he annoys you, especially if he's not very communicative.
- If you don't give your brother the response he wants (getting upset or irritated), he'll tire himself out eventually and give up on it.
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2Remain calm if you do respond. If your brother is annoying you, you may be tempted to lash out at him in anger or respond with equally annoying behavior. However, that type of reaction will only make things worse. Any time you feel an urge to respond with harsh words or annoying behavior, remember that being calm and collected is more likely to break your brother out of his annoying behavior than getting angry.[2]
- Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Keep your focus on your breathing pattern to calm down quickly.
- Try counting to 10 before responding. Take deep breaths in and out during that 10-second count and try to think about how to express yourself calmly and rationally.
- Go for a short walk or leave the room for a few minutes if you need to compose yourself for longer than 10 seconds. Let your brother know you'll be right back, and think about what you want to say and how best to say it.
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3Compromise with your brother. Ask your brother directly what he wants to communicate with you, then make him feel heard and validated by rephrasing the things he says. Then, come up with a mutually beneficial solution that makes both of you happy.[3]
- Say something like, "I think I understand where you're coming from. You're saying you feel left out when I play video games without you, and you want to be included."
- In this scenario, you might suggest that you finish up your one-player game for the next 30 minutes, and then play a two-player game with your brother after that.
- Recognize that no one is going to get their way all the time. The goal is to come up with something that both you and your brother feel somewhat satisfied with, even if it's not the solution you'd hoped for.
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4Give your brother positive attention. A common cause of annoying sibling behavior is simple boredom. Perhaps your brother is bored or feels like he's not getting enough attention. Instead of giving him negative attention by fighting back, try doing something fun and productive together.[4]
- Doing something fun together should take your brother's attention away from being annoying pretty quickly, and it might help the two of you bond over the shared experience.
- Try going for a walk or riding bikes together (if you're still young, make sure you get your parents' permission first), or do something indoors like watching a movie, putting together a puzzle, or playing video games together.
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5Try not to take insults/annoyances personally. It can be very difficult to not be personally offended or bothered by insulting/annoying behavior. However, at the end of the day, your brother is still your sibling, and he does care about you. Let your brother know that he's upsetting you and try to find a resolution, but don't take it personally.[5]
- Know that your brother probably isn't trying to hurt your feelings. Some people (especially at a younger age) just don't know any better.
- Remember that by letting your brother's behavior upset you, you're giving him all the power. If he sees that he's bothering you, he's more likely to keep up with the annoying/hurtful behavior.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 4:
Dealing with Jealousy
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1Have a conversation with your brother if you think he’s jealous of you. If your brother is jealous of some aspect of your life, he may be acting out as a way of expressing his frustration. Sit him down and have an open, honest conversation about his feelings and his actions.[6]
- Think about your situation and the times your brother has lashed out at you with annoying behavior. Is it possible he's jealous of your grades, your possessions, or your lifestyle?
- Say something like, “I’ve noticed that every time I play on my Nintendo Switch, you get upset. Are you jealous that I got a Switch for Christmas and you didn’t?”
- Or, “Are you upset that Mom and Dad put my math test on the fridge? You could put your history test that you aced up there too!”
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2Remind your brother about his own talents and accomplishments. Your brother's jealousy is probably related to not getting enough attention for what he does have or has accomplished. If you make him feel better about himself by finding things to feel good about, it might help snap him out of his jealous streak.[7]
- You might say, “I know I won a soccer trophy, but you made your team, and that’s great! I’m older than you, so I’ve had more practice at this.”
- Or, “I got 100% on that test, but you have straight As right now! You should be proud.”
- Realize that your sibling may genuinely want to spend time with you and don’t know how to ask for that time in a prosocial way. In this case, simply giving him some attention may help.
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3Encourage your brother to work toward what you have. If your brother's annoying behavior is motivated by jealousy, one way to resolve the situation is to help him get what you have (or something like it). This obviously won't be feasible all of the time, but in certain situations, it can help calm down a jealous sibling. Plus, if your brother sees you trying to help him, he might learn to be less resentful of you.[8]
- If your brother is jealous of your good grades, offer to help him study.
- If he's jealous of the fact that you're better at him in sports, spend some time playing catch or practicing with him to help him improve.
- If he's jealous that you have a significant other and he doesn't, offer to help him ask someone out (if he's old enough to date).
- No matter what it is your brother is jealous of, the point is to show him that he's not limited to what he currently has. If you offer to help him get the thing that he wants, he'll be even more receptive to changing his present situation.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 4:
Getting a Parent Involved
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1Get a parent involved if your brother is bullying you. As you and your brother grew up together, you've probably had your share of fights. However, sometimes squabbles cross a line and become hostile acts or even bully-like behavior. In those instances, it's best to get a parent involved who can mediate the situation and take action as needed.[9]
- Picking on a sibling is normal. However, if your brother continues to torment you about the same topic over several days or weeks, it might be bully behavior.
- If your brother doesn't apologize or try to make up with you after a fight, or continues to show hostility towards you at all times, it's a sign of bullying.
- If you think your brother is legitimately bullying you, talk to a parent right away.
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2Ask your parents to mediate a conversation. If you’ve tried multiple tactics and your brother still won’t stop bothering you, have a parent help out. Ask your parent (or both parents) to sit down with you and your brother so you can both express your feelings. They can help keep the peace if a disagreement comes up, and will also be able to help give solutions to your problems.[10]
- Have your parents sit down with both of you individually, then together to moderate a family discussion.
- Encourage your parents to try and find a solution that makes everyone happy. Ideally, you should be able to arrive at some type of win/win situation.
- If you were unsuccessful at reaching a compromise on your own with your brother, your parents' final say in the matter should resolve the conflict.
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3Encourage your parents to enforce the rules. If your parents are ignoring your brother's aggressive, annoying, or otherwise problematic behavior, you may need to bring it to their attention. Ask your parents to be fair and apply the same rules to both you and your brother, and to enforce the rules to keep the peace.[11]
- Your parents may not be aware of the situation, or may not realize its extent.
- It's easy for parents to get caught up between work and family distractions. Make a point of bringing problems to your parents' attention when you haven't been able to resolve those issues on your own.
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4Plan family activities that bring everyone together. This may not stop your brother at the moment from being annoying, but it can help you build a stronger sibling relationship. It can also provide a much-needed break from any tension that might have been building between you at home.[12] You might try going to the zoo together, visiting a park, or even just going out to eat.
- Sometimes getting out of the house and having a positive, shared experience can help you bond with a sibling.
- At the very least, a group outing should distract your brother from his problematic behavior.
- You can use the time with your family to find things that make everyone happy, and try to incorporate those elements into your everyday lives.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 4:
Establishing Boundaries
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1Spend more time apart from your brother. Whether you're the older sibling or the younger one, you may find it frustrating to spend a lot of time with your brother when he's being annoying. If your parents have you watch your brother a lot or make you bring him with you when you go out, talk to them about spending more time alone or with your friends independent of your brother.[13]
- Let your parents know that you value the time you and your family spend together, but that you need more time by yourself or with your friends.
- Remind your parents that you and your brother can still be close while spending more time apart. If anything, it will make the time you do spend together be of greater quality.
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2Find alternatives to babysitting your brother. Depending on your age and your family's living situation, your parents may frequently ask you to watch your brother.[14] If this is the case, you may find it difficult to have your own space and time alone. Talk to your parents about finding alternatives or working out a compromise.
- Suggest hiring a babysitter. If your parents are resistant to the idea, you could at least ask for some type of extra allowance or compensation for babysitting.
- You might try suggesting that you could continue to babysit your brother once or twice each week if you get to have the weekends to yourself without your brother.
- It's best to have this conversation without your brother present, as he may have hurt feelings or voice objections. Younger children often have a hard time understanding why someone older might have more responsibility or freedom.
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3Demand privacy when you have visitors. If you have friends or a significant other over, it's important to set boundaries with your brother. Your visitors shouldn't be subjected to your brother's annoying behavior, especially if he tries to direct that behavior at your friends.[15]
- Tell your brother to stop. If he won't listen, try getting your parents involved.
- Try inviting friends over when you know your brother won't be home or will be busy with his friends.
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4Ask your parents for your own room. Sharing a room can be a great bonding experience if you and your brother get along reasonably well. If you don't get along or if you simply need your own space, ask your parents about rearranging your home to accommodate your needs. There may be an extra room being used as a craft room or home office, for example, that could be an extra bedroom.
- Say something like, "I know we don't have a ton of extra space. But I'm getting older, and I'd like it if we could try to find a way for me to have my own room so I can have more privacy."
- When you talk to your parents and make your request, frame the petition as an issue of privacy. It's much easier for a parent to make arrangements if it ensures privacy, rather than simply to solve a short-term dispute.
- If your family is limited by space, you may be able to rearrange a room to allow for you to have your own space.[16] Set up dividers or split the room in half to give you and your brother some privacy.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionWhat if your brother gets violent?
wikiHow Staff EditorThis answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Staff AnswerwikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerIf your brother is hurting you in any way, get a parent involved. Violence is never okay, and your brother shouldn't take his anger or frustration out on you. If your parents can't or won't help, talk to a trusted teacher or guidance counselor at your school.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201308/how-deal-annoying-people
- ↑ http://au.reachout.com/fighting-with-a-brother-or-sister
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peacemeal/201010/3-steps-transform-sibling-conflict-sibling-camaraderie
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/connecting-communicating/connecting/positive-attention
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/conflict-with-family
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/band-brothers-and-sisters/201212/i-hate-your-awesome-boyfriend-overcoming-sibling-jealousy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/parenting-is-contact-sport/201103/words-hurt-dealing-sibling-rivalry
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201504/3-ways-transform-jealousy-personal-growth
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-wide-wide-world-psychology/201412/5-signs-sibling-fighting-may-be-bullying
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html
- ↑ http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html
- ↑ https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/tween-and-teen/babysitting-siblings/
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html
- ↑ https://www.todaysparent.com/family/tips-for-siblings-sharing-a-bedroom/
About This Article
Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Rebecca Kason, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy. This article has been viewed 921,454 times.
Co-authors: 276
Updated: March 16, 2023
Views: 921,454
Categories: Siblings
Article SummaryX
If your brother is annoying you, temporarily ignore him instead of lashing out in anger. By not giving your brother the response he wants, he’ll eventually tire himself out and give up. Alternatively, give your brother positive attention instead of yelling at him. He might just be bored, so do something fun together like going for a bike ride or watching a movie. While it might be difficult, try not to take your brother’s annoying behavior personally. Let him know he’s being annoying, but find a resolution instead of getting upset. If he sees that he’s bothering you, that gives him all the power and he might keep doing it. For more help, like how to stay calm when your brother is being annoying, read on.
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