How to Speak at a Funeral

Last Updated: January 26, 2023 Approved

Eulogizing someone can be a very difficult thing to do. You want to talk with affection about someone you've lost, but you don't want to fall apart. You may fall apart a little, but you'll see in the end that it's okay to let the other people present know how much this person meant to you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Writing the Eulogy

1
Write it down. You can't improvise a eulogy, and memorization should be backed up by notes at least. You may be too sad, and you can't laugh it off if you forget what you were going to say. Write a small page of notes, or type up the whole thing and read from it.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- If you're having trouble getting started, brainstorm. Set a 15 minute timer, think about your loved one, and write down anything that comes to mind.
- Use photographs, scrapbooks, and other mementos of the person to inspire you as you write.
2
Base the time on the number of speakers. Most speeches are around 2-10 minutes long. If many people are speaking, err on the shorter side. If you are the closest relative or the only speaker, you may go longer.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- A five minute speech will be around 650 words long.
Advertisement
3
Describe the departed. The focus of your eulogy should be the departed. You are telling stories and describing them in a way that helps the audience members frame their own memories. Therefore, focus on the exact qualities of your loved one.
- You might list their best qualities, their most particular quirks, their fervently held beliefs.
- Say what you'll miss about the departed, but don't talk too much about how devastated you are. Your feelings are relevant, but they are not the primary focus of the speech.
4
Tell stories. Illustrate your statements about your loved one with true stories that show them in their best and most endearing light. These can be from the childhood and the adulthood of your loved one, and they will have the most oomph if you witnessed them yourself.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if your loved one always stuck up for the underdog, you might tell a story about the time they stuck up for someone. If they were exceptionally clever, you might tell a story of the time they got the two of you out of a bad situation with quick thinking.
5
Talk about their life. Let your audience know what your loved one experienced, and how they changed over the course of their life. What were their loves, and what were their struggles? Don't dwell on the negative, but acknowledge any defining difficulties, such as a long illness or a tragic loss.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Identify struggles that they faced and conquered. For example, if they lost someone close, talk about that loss and how it affected them.
- Describe the important relationships of the departed, including your own relationship with them. For example, you can talk about how much they loved their daughter.
- Talk about their passions, hobbies, and talents.
6
Quote when it adds something. If there is a text that you associate strongly with the departed, you may quote it during your speech. This is not required! However, if there was a poem, or a religious verse, or some song lyrics, or even a joke the departed truly loved, it may be appropriate to quote it briefly.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- The quotation should not take up more than a minute of your speech—your words will ultimately be more meaningful.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Practicing the Speech

1
Time yourself. Practice reading your speech aloud with a timer. Make sure you are reading at a slow, natural pace. Try to get it slightly under the time you will actually speak—you might cry or have another interruption when you try to deliver it during the funeral.^{[6]
X
Research source}
2
Memorize it if you want. Go over your speech so that you're sure of exactly what you want to say. When you read, you may find it hard to remember, or conversely you may find it easy to remember but hard to understand your own notes. To memorize, simply read aloud many times until you feel like you might be ready to read it without the page.
- Next, say your speech without reading, though you may glance down whenever you forget what's next.
- Do this many times. Focus on areas where you forget what to say, and practice them extra.
- You aren't required to memorize the speech, and it might even be more natural if you didn't.
3
Plan ways to calm yourself. You may get emotional while you read, or you may suffer from stage fright in front of the assembled mourners. It is OK to show some emotion, but to make sure that others can hear you, practice calming yourself even when you already feel calm.
- Take deep breaths.
- Drink water.
- Look at a friend or family member in the audience for support.
- Command yourself by name. Giving yourself short mental commands while addressing yourself by name helps you stay in control. If you start to lose it, think "Patricia, calm down."
4
Rehearse in front of someone you trust. To ensure that your speech is concise, appropriate, moving, and that you deliver it well, practice in front of an audience. This can be one to several people you love. Ask them to listen and give you notes on your presentation.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Delivering the Speech

1
Look at the audience. Stand tall and face the mourners. Straighten your shoulders and pretend there is a string from the ceiling to the nape of your neck. Put your notes on the podium, if there is one, or hold them at your waist.
- Don't stare down at your notes or at the podium.
2
Address the family. Remember to speak to the front row—the ones who loved the deceased the most and are the most saddened by the death. They are listening to you attentively, and the rest of the room is also witnessing your speech to them.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- When you talk about someone, look at them.
3
Speak loudly and slowly. As you speak, notice how you feel. If you feel nervous, tell yourself to slow down. You may be speaking more quickly than you think. Project your voice—don't yell, but breathe from your stomach, and try to hit the back wall with your words.
- Speak in a conversational tone. There's no need to pitch your voice for drama—the situation will speak for itself.
- Speak more slowly than you normally would. Not only will this help the audience understand you, but it may keep you calm as well.
4
Wipe away tears and keep going. You may cry. Keep going unless you are choking up. If you are choking up, use your calming techniques that you planned. The audience will not be shocked if you cry—they will be sympathetic.^{[8]
X
Research source}

Expert Q&A
Did you know you can get expert answers for this article? Unlock expert answers by supporting wikiHow

Question

What do you say when you speak at a funeral?

David I. Jacobson
Funeral Home Director
David I. Jacobson is the founder of Chicago Jewish Funerals, an independent Jewish owned funeral provider that evolved into two funeral homes in the Chicagoland area. With over 30 years of experience serving families, David is a leading expert on Kavod Hamet, the Jewish traditions of honoring and respecting the dead. David is an active funeral director that serves people planning and in need of funerals, lecturing to congregations, community groups, and schools extensively about the values of the Jewish funeral as well as the dying process and the value of one’s legacy.

David I. Jacobson

Funeral Home Director

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Talk about your loved one and the relationship you had together. You can also talk about how they affected your life.
Question

How can I say goodbye to a friend?

Community Answer

Talk about the memories you shared and how special your friend was.
Question

How do should I end my two minute speech at a funeral?

Flutasmoradas

Community Answer

Use a closing statement as advice for those listening to your speech.