If you’re having trouble with your mother-in-law (MIL) after a new baby, rest assured that you’re not alone. Even the sweetest of MILs have the potential to overstep their boundaries, especially when it comes to a grandchild. With the help of your partner, you can set clear, kind boundaries that work for everyone to preserve your relationship (and your sanity).

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

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Get on the same page with your partner.

  1. It’s very important that you and your spouse work as a team. Before you talk with your mother-in-law, sit down and chat with your partner about what’s been going on. Come up with a plan together, and make sure they back you up. It will be much easier to set boundaries with your partner’s support, so do this right away.[2]
    • It can be a little difficult talking to your partner about their mother, so make sure they know you’re coming from a place of love.
    • You might say something like, “You know I love your mom, but she can be a little overbearing at times. I’d love if we could work together to set some boundaries so we all feel comfortable.”
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State your boundaries clearly and confidently.

  1. It’s time to let your mother-in-law what’s okay and what isn’t. It’s totally valid to be firm about boundaries—as long as you have your baby’s best interests in mind, she should be able to understand eventually. Be kind and respectful, but state your boundaries in no uncertain terms.[5]
    • You might say, “I really appreciate you taking care of little Ryan, but he needs to keep up with his nap schedule. When he doesn’t take his afternoon nap, he’s cranky all evening, and I have a tough time getting him to bed.”
    • Or, “We love when you come over to help out with the baby, but we need you to call before you start heading over. That way, we can make sure the house is ready, and you won’t have to sit around doing nothing if we’re busy.”
    • Using I-statements and emphasizing your point of view might help your mother-in-law avoid getting defensive or upset.
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Be clear about what you want (and don’t want).

  1. Tell your MIL plainly about the help you like and the help you don’t like. For instance, if you love it when she makes your baby a bottle but don’t really appreciate the backhanded comments about how often your baby eats, you can say that (in a nice way). That way, there’s no confusion about what she can and can’t do going forward.[6]
    • “It’s really helpful when you go and get Timmy a bottle, but it’s not very helpful when you talk to me about how often he eats. His doctor says he’s in a good weight range, and I only feed him when he’s hungry.”
    • “I love when you come over to help out with the baby, but we just can’t have you coming over unannounced. Maybe we could set up a specific visiting schedule so we’re all on the same page.”
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Tell the truth, but be kind, too.

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Pick and choose your battles.

  1. Your MIL might still overstep sometimes, and that’s okay. You won’t be able to correct all of her behaviors, so you should only talk to her about the ones that are affecting you and your baby the most. Otherwise, you might be a little too nitpicky, and your relationship with your mother-in-law could suffer.[10]
    • For instance, if she keeps feeding your baby juice but you don’t want them to have all that sugar, it’s probably worth talking to her about.
    • But if you like to let your baby fall asleep in the crib and she wants to cuddle them to sleep, you might want to let that one go.

Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do I keep peace with my mother-in-law?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Set boundaries while also being patient. If you are establishing new perspectives or concepts, it may take her some time to adjust to these new ideas. Breaking traditions and old-school ways takes time to adapt to—just remember that it isn't an excuse for her to breach your personal boundaries.
  • Question
    Is it wrong to set unspoken boundaries?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Setting unspoken boundaries isn't a good idea, as they can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Instead, it's important to directly and clearly establish your boundaries from the very beginning.
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About This Article

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Co-authored by:
Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards. This article has been viewed 11,387 times.
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Co-authors: 7
Updated: May 11, 2022
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Categories: Grandparents
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