How to Resolve Problems with Your Boyfriend

Co-authored by Philip Glickman, PsyD

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

Every relationship goes through ups and downs and disagreements are common. You and your boyfriend may disagree about things like money, how much time to spend together, and other aspects of your romance. It's always a good idea to address issues that are important to you head on. Have a sit down talk with your boyfriend and be willing to compromise and find a solution that works for you both.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Evaluating Your Emotions

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Decide whether an issue is worth discussing. Some disagreements are important. Others, however, are fairly minor. If you disagree with your boyfriend o something, decide how much it bothers. Minor differences can sometimes be let go of, but major disagreements should be discussed.^{[1]
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- Sometimes, it can help to try to let an issue go for a few days and then see how you feel. For example, you get upset because your boyfriend went to a movie with his friends without asking you to join.
- Instead of immediately talking things through, wait a few days. If you find your anger fades, this may be a minor issue for you. You may be better off letting it go. However, if you still feel stung and rejected after a few days have passed, talk things out.
2
Identify what the real issue is. If an issue keeps bothering you, there is probably more than meets the eye. Oftentimes, it's not just what your boyfriend did but how it made you feel. Small disagreements can point to problems in the dynamic of the relationship, so think about why something bothered you on a deeper level.^{[2]
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- For example, think about why you were upset your boyfriend went out without you. Is there anything missing in your relationship that made you take this slight very personally?
- Oftentimes, minor disagreements are the result of not feeling valued. You may sometimes feel taken for granted by your boyfriend, which is why you became so upset over a movie. You may want to talk about how and why your emotional needs are not being met.
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3
Think about what you want to communicate to your boyfriend. If you decide you want to discuss something with your boyfriend, do not go into the conversation not knowing what you want. Spend some time thinking about what you want your boyfriend to understand before attempting to talk things out.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}^{[4]
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- What main points do you want your boyfriend to take away? Think about what you're trying to communicate. For example, you want your boyfriend to appreciate you more. You should also think about how to best deliver that message. Spend some time planning what you're going to say.
- Think about what you want to get out of the conversation. Do you want your boyfriend to change some specific aspect of his personality? Do you want him to understand your perspective more? Know this before moving forward with the conversation.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Discussing the Issues

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Plan a time to talk. It's always a good idea to plan your talk ahead of time. You should let your boyfriend know you would like to discuss something. The two of you should plan a time that works for you both.^{[5]
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- You want to pick a time when you will both be relaxed and willing to listen. Do not choose to talk just after work or school, when you're likely to be stressed, or a time when you have outside commitments.
- Pick a time to talk when you both have a good deal of free time and will be relaxed and willing to listen. For example, talk on a Saturday afternoon when your boyfriend does not have work and you're both relaxed.
2
Start off with a softened approach. You do not want to launch into a confrontation sounding accusatory or angry.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.} It's always better to start off with a soft approach. This way, your boyfriend will be more willing to listen.^{[7]
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- For example, do not begin with something like, "I don't like that you went to see that movie without even inviting me, even though you knew I wanted to see it."
- Instead, start by saying something nice. For example, "I'm glad you have such a strong friends group. I think that's important and it's nice to see you have fun. I want you to enjoy yourself." Then, introduce the issue by saying something like, "But I just wish I felt more included sometimes, and I was hurt that you went to see that movie without inviting me."
3
Phrase things using "I" language. Remember, you want to resolve this issue and not just argue about it. Using statements that begin with "I" and use language like "I feel" reduces blame. You are not blaming your boyfriend or judging his behavior. You are simply stating how that behavior made you feel.^{[8]
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- Say something like, "I feel left out sometimes when you spend more time with your friends than me." This sounds less harsh than, "You spend too much time with your friends so I'm left out all the time."
4
Listen to your boyfriend's point of view. Conflicts always involve two people. Your boyfriend likely had reasons for behaving and acting the way he did. After you have stated your case, listen to your boyfriend without interrupting. Make sure he feels heard as well.^{[9]
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- Do not try to discuss solution while your boyfriend is talking. You should listen to his perspective and attempt to understand it before you try to correct the situation.
- It can help to repeat what he's saying to make sure you understand. For example, "So, you feel like you want time just with your friends on occasion. Is that what you're saying?"
5
Be reasonable about your expectations. Relationships are about compromise and mutual understanding. While your boyfriend should value your feelings and make necessary changes, you also need to make sure your expectations are reasonable. Be willing to compromise when discussing potential solutions.
- For example, people often squabble about how much time they should spend together. You cannot expect your boyfriend to spend all his time with you and should not ask him to do as much.
- However, there are reasonable requests you can make of your boyfriend. Maybe if the time you spent together was more meaningful, you would feel more valued and need less time together. You could ask him to be more present when you hang out by, say, putting away his phone and focusing on you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward After Disagreements

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State the positives about your relationship. After a disagreement, try to end things on a positive note. State the things you appreciate about your boyfriend so you both leave feeling valued. End things by saying something like, "Thank you for listening. I really love you and love spending time with you, which is why I brought it up. I don't want anything to cause resentment."^{[10]
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2
Accept things may be uncomfortable feelings at first. It's normal to feel awkward or uncomfortable after a disagreement. It is not possible to feel comfortable, happy, and resentment free all the time. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, even if it's negative, after a disagreement.^{[11]
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- It's healthier to process your emotions than push them down and ignore them. Even if you feel good about the discussion, you may still need time to let go of any angry feelings you had during your argument.
3
Find common goals. You and your boyfriend can resolve disputes by identifying your goals for the relationship. What do you both want and how can you pursue that?^{[12]
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- Think about what you both want. You should find goals you both share. For example, you both may want to work on valuing one another more.
- Consider how to achieve this. You could, for example, spend more time together, turn your phones off during dates, and find other ways to make one another feel valued.
4
Proceed with optimism. It can feel rough and uncomfortable to have a dispute. However, look at the bright side. You have taken the initiative to work things out. You have both expressed yourselves and your opinions.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.} While things may be stressful now, your relationship may be stronger in the future.^{[14]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do if you have misunderstanding with your boyfriend?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Have a frank conversation about it and try having regular check-ins. For example, “Hey, how are we doing with that argument we had where you and my sister didn't see eye to eye on like politics or something?” Usually, it's possible to overcome such hurdles just by talking it out.
Question

Is it normal to fight everyday in a relationship?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Not really. If you're in a complicated relationship that you don't want to leave, try setting boundaries and letting your boyfriend know what's acceptable and what you won't stand.
Question

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It depends on what the problems are. Are they mean or abusive? Do they have an out-of-control drinking problem? Do they lie? If so, then the relationship is probably not worth saving.

Warnings

If you feel your boyfriend is being very disrespectful and consistently mistreats you, you may need to reevaluate the relationship. You do not want to waste time being with someone who is not nice to you.

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