How to React when Your Child Comes Out As Nonbinary

Learning that your child doesn't identify as male or female can be a lot to handle, and it's okay to feel confused. Remind your child that you love them unconditionally, and thank them for their honesty. If you don't understand what they're experiencing, learn about what it's like to be trans or nonbinary. For help navigating the transition, seek the guidance of a supportive pediatrician and a therapist who's experienced counseling LGBT youth.

Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Supporting Your Child

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    Express gratitude that they’ve decided to tell you. Try to keep your cool, and don’t yell or get upset. Coming out is scary, and it probably wasn’t easy for your child to work up the courage to tell you. When responding in the moment, let your child know that you’re grateful for their honesty.[1]
    • Tell them, “I know this is isn’t easy. Thank you for being honest with me. It’s important that we can talk to each other openly, and you should never be afraid to share something with me.”
    • If they told you and you’ve already reacted negatively, ask them to sit down and talk with you. Say, “That was a lot of information for me to process, and I'm sorry that I reacted poorly. I know it took a lot of courage to tell me, and I’m grateful that you’re honest with me.”
    • Be honest about how you feel and reassure your child that you love them no matter what.
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    Tell them you love and accept them. Your child might be afraid that you won’t love them anymore, so ease their fears. Do your best to understand that they’re still your child, but they’re an individual with their own identity and free will. Even if you’re confused or afraid, make it clear that you still love them no matter what.[2]
    • You may think or hope that this is a phase and that they'll outgrow it. Even if they realize they aren't what they thought they were in the future, allowing them to explore their gender expression is important for their mental health.
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    Ask questions and follow their lead. Avoid making assumptions about what being nonbinary means to your child, especially if they’re a teen or young adult. Try not to put them on the spot, but ask them how they’d like to express their identity. Let them know that they don’t have to discuss it if they don't want to or if they don’t know the answer yet.[3]
    • Ask, “Are you comfortable with your name, or have you chosen another name? Do you want me to use pronouns other than he or she?” These may include they/them/theirs/themselves or ze/hir/hirs/hirself.
    • Ask how they want to express themselves as nonbinary, such as through their clothing or hairstyle. Ask, “What does expressing yourself as nonbinary mean to you? Do you want to be open about it at school and in public, or do you need a safe space at home for now?”
    • For teens and young adults, see if they've thought about the future. Ask if they're considering gender-affirming medical treatments or changing their gender legally (if nonbinary status is available in your jurisdiction).
    • Ask what you can do to support them. In a gentle, sincere manner, ask, “What can I do for you? Is there anything in particular that you need from me?”
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    Call your child by their correct pronouns and name. As difficult as it may be, referring to them by their correct pronouns and name is a must. It’ll take some time to get used to it, and it’s okay to slip up, especially at first. However, try to understand that your child’s experience is legitimate and respecting their needs is important.
    • Think of gender as a dial instead of a switch; it’s a spectrum. It might confusing and difficult to process, but some people do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth.
    • Imagine how you’d feel if someone refused to call you by what you feel are the right pronouns and name. Calling your child by the wrong pronouns and name is even more upsetting.
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    Allow them to come out to others on their own terms. Don't tell anyone without your child's permission. Ask them how and when they’d like to come out to other family members, at school, and in social settings. Even if you’re trying to be supportive, don’t put your child’s nonbinary identity on display.[4]
    • Let your child inform others and make their preferences clear on their own terms.
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    Learn more about gender. It’s common for parents of nonbinary children to have questions, and it’s okay to be confused. Educate yourself about gender identities and the differences between sex and gender.[5]
    • Check out Gender Spectrum for information about gender psychology, tips for parents, and personal stories written by trans children and their parents: https://www.genderspectrum.org.
    • Support groups and a counselor familiar with gender identity can also direct you to helpful resources.
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    Connect your child with support groups and counseling. For younger children and teens alike, interacting with people in similar circumstances is comforting. Additionally, parents of other nonbinary youth can share their experiences and offer you advice. Counseling can also help you and your child come to terms with their gender identity.[6]
    • Search online for mental health professionals and support groups for nonbinary or trans children and their families. Look for counselors who are experienced with and supportive of LGBT children.[7]
    • Keep in mind seeking counseling does not mean there’s something wrong with being nonbinary or trans. Avoid using therapy as a means to change or suppress your child’s gender identity.[8]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Dealing with Your Emotions

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    Take time to process your feelings. Give yourself permission to experience grief or sadness. It's okay to feel a sense of loss, so cry and vent privately to a trusted loved one. Feel these things, but try to focus on helping your child express their authentic self and live their best life.[9]
    • Express your emotions, but try not to appear too distressed in front of your child. Let them know that you need to process your emotions and will adjust in time. However, do your best not to make them think they've completely disappointed you.
    • Feelings of guilt are also common, but don't blame yourself. Gender Dysphoria is not caused by poor parenting. You did not do anything wrong. Your child is the same person as they were before they told you, and they are still your child.
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    Try to stay confident if others are critical. Speaking with confidence can discourage relatives, friends, and acquaintances from criticizing you or your child. If others are dismissive, explain that your child's sense of self is legitimate and their well-being is your priority.[10]
    • Suppose your male-assigned child is pretending to be a princess at playtime, and a friend or relative raises their eyebrow. Instead of tolerating criticism or being critical yourself, say something like “Isn't it great that he's not afraid to be himself.”
    • Don't be ashamed of your child and, unless their safety is at risk, don't exclude them from family events. Remember, there's nothing wrong with you or your child. You're doing the right thing by allowing them to express their authentic self.
    • Be prepared to defend your child if others bully them or criticize them in front of you. Think about what you will do and say ahead of time so that you will be prepared for these types of situations. The way that you respond demonstrates your support for your child.
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    Talk to other parents of LGBTQ kids. Search online for a local support group for friends and relatives of nonbinary children. If you're not ready to meet other parents in person, look for online forums, such as Facebook groups. Whether in person or online, hearing other parents' stories can help you cope with your own emotions.[11]
    • Look for your local PFLAG chapter, which can connect you with other parents and loved ones of LGBTQ individuals, at https://www.pflag.org.
    • Seeing a counselor individually (or with your partner or co-parent) can also help you process your emotions.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Raising a Younger Child

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    Give your child opportunities to explore their gender expression. Remind your child that they’re normal, and it’s okay if they're confused. Give them a safe space to explore their interests beyond gendered stereotypes. Allow them to play with a range of toys and to do varied activities, regardless of whether something is “masculine” or “feminine.”[12]
    • Try to be aware of your child’s emotional wellbeing. For instance, if your child was assigned female at birth but wearing dresses distresses them, don’t force them to wear feminine clothing.
    • You might be more comfortable allowing your young child to explore their gender expression at home only, especially at first. If most people in your area are intolerant of LGBTQ individuals, ask yourself if letting your child explore their gender publicly is safe.
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    Explain gently that some people might not accept them. Try not to scare your child or make them feel like there’s something wrong with them. Make it clear that you love them no matter what, and that they'll meet plenty of people who understand them. However, let them know that some people may be mean, and that it's common to runs into bullies at some point.[13]
    • Say, “People expect boys and girls to act in certain ways or play with certain toys. It’s okay if you don’t want to play with the toys or wear the clothes people expect. Plenty of people are nice about it, but some people can be very mean.”
    • Remind them that, "If someone makes fun of you, don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself. Try to remain calm and get help from a grown-up.”
    • As a parent, it’s tough to know that your child could encounter adversity. Gently prepare them when they first have urges to explore their gender expression. As they get older, try to realize that suppressing who they are can be even more painful than being bullied. Encourage your child to develop support systems early so that they will always have people to turn to.
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    Watch and wait, but provide safe spaces for exploration. Raising a younger child that may not be cis is tricky. Their feelings are legitimate, but they might not have the emotional or cognitive maturity to understand or make long-term decisions. While you should still let them explore their gender, hold off on major changes such as medical transitioning.[14]
    • Children develop at different rates; there's no set age at which a child starts making informed decisions. A supportive pediatrician and counselor can help you figure out when to make major moves, like informing their school or considering hormone therapy (most often legal at age 16).
    • For example, let your male-assigned child play with dolls if they want, and don’t force your female-assigned child to wear dresses. However, in most cases, wait to transition socially until you and their counselor determine that your child is developmentally ready.[15]
    • In some cases, children as young as 3 to 4 experience Gender Dysphoria, distress due to the conflict between their gender identity and assigned sex. For children who have Gender Dysphoria, a “watch and wait” approach can be traumatizing. A counselor can help you decide if openly transitioning would be healthier for your younger child.
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    Seek professional advice if you’re worried about your child’s health. Note if your child exhibits any sudden behavioral changes, destructive behavior, changes in sleeping or eating habits, anxiety, or trouble at school. If they show these signs or seem constantly sad or withdrawn, they might be experiencing Gender Dysphoria. Contact their pediatrician or a child psychologist to address any concerns about your child’s mental or physical health.[16]
    • Gender nonconformity is not a disorder. However, living life as a gender that’s not consistent with your identity can cause anxiety and depression, and even lead to self-harm. Your child’s pediatrician and counselor can help your child cope and give you advice about meeting their needs.[17]
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Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Helping a Nonbinary Teenager

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    Maintain open lines of communication with your teen. Try to have quality conversations every day. Opportunities to chat include rides to and from school, during breakfast, and at the dinner table. Ask them open-ended questions, and give them your full attention when they speak.[18]
    • An open-ended question asks for more than a yes or no response. An example would be, “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?”
    • Topics from bullying to sexuality are hard to talk about, and may be particularly sensitive for a nonbinary teen. If you build a strong bond, your teen might be more comfortable with discussing delicate subjects with you.
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    Check in with them about their body image. Try to notice if your child seems to be uneasy or anxious about their body. From time to time, ask them how they feel about their body, and if it conflicts with their sense of identity. Most nonbinary preteens and teens have a hard time coping with the physical changes that occur during adolescence.[19]
    • It might be uncomfortable to talk about, but try to be compassionate. You could bring it up by saying, “It’s tough for any teenager to go through puberty and see their body change. It's even harder if your body doesn’t match up with your sense of self.”
    • Ask them questions, but try not to put them on the spot. Try saying, “How do you feel about your body? I know it’s kind of an awkward topic, but please know I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”
    • If they’re unhappy with their body, suggest practical solutions. Examples include chest binding and waxing or plucking facial hair.
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    Work with your child's teachers and principal if they’re open at school. If your child is out at school or wants to come out, discuss it with the school counselor and principal. Ask them about the climate among students, about your child’s safety, and what they do to educate students about LGBTQ awareness.[20]
    • Additionally, you or your child can write a letter to the school administration informing the staff of your child’s correct name and pronouns.
    • Keep in mind a support group for similar youth can help your teen cope with facing adversity at school.
    • If you live in an area that’s intolerant of LGBTQ individuals and believe your child’s safety would be at risk, discuss your concerns with them. Gently tell them, “I understand this is difficult, but please remember your safety comes first. I love you, and I don’t want you to get hurt. I can’t keep you from expressing who you are, but our community isn’t as accepting as other places.”
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    Consult medical professionals about gender-affirming treatment. Some nonbinary individuals take hormone blockers to delay puberty or alter testosterone and estrogen levels. If your child is interested in hormonal treatments, ask their pediatrician about the risks and benefits.[21]
    • A pediatrician and a mental health professional experienced with Gender Dysphoria can help you and your child decide if hormonal therapy is the right course of action.
    • Hormone treatments may be injected, applied topically, or taken orally. Side effects depend on the treatment regimen, but could include decreased bone density, weight gain, changes in mood, and pain or irritation at the injection site.[22]
    • If you need help paying for treatments, look online for LGBTQ non-profit organizations that offer grants for hormonal therapy.
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Warnings

  • Gender Dysphoria can lead to comorbid anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as self-harm in trans and nonbinary youth. Contact an experienced and supportive mental health professional if you're concerned about your child's well-being.
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References

  1. ↑ https://lgbtq.unc.edu/programs-services/safe-zone/if-someone-comes-out-you
  2. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/think-your-child-might-be-trans-or-non-binary/
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  5. ↑ https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/
  6. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/think-your-child-might-be-trans-or-non-binary/
  7. ↑ http://www.hrc.org/resources/getting-expert-support-and-care-for-gender-expansive-children
  8. ↑ http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy
  9. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/think-your-child-might-be-trans-or-non-binary/
  1. ↑ https://www.genderspectrum.org/explore-topics/parenting-and-family/
  2. ↑ https://www.genderspectrum.org/explore-topics/parenting-and-family/
  3. ↑ http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2015/11/psychology-transgender.aspx
  4. ↑ https://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/resources-for-parents.html
  5. ↑ https://gids.nhs.uk/parents-and-carers#how-can-i-help-my-younger-child
  6. ↑ https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/adolescent-medicine/SupportingCaringforTransChildren%20%20American%20Academy%20Paediatrics.pdf
  7. ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx
  8. ↑ http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2015/11/psychology-transgender.aspx
  9. ↑ https://gids.nhs.uk/parents-and-carers#how-can-i-help-my-teenager
  10. ↑ https://gids.nhs.uk/parents-and-carers#how-can-i-help-my-teenager
  11. ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx
  12. ↑ https://www.psychology.org.au/getmedia/03213f59-9b8f-45b9-8575-2605958fd791/Trans-and-gender-diverse-children.pdf
  13. ↑ http://transhealth.ucsf.edu/trans?page=guidelines-youth

About This Article

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Co-authored by:
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 75,755 times.
109 votes - 77%
Co-authors: 17
Updated: July 28, 2022
Views: 75,755
Categories: Parenting | Friends and Family of LGBT
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