We know that it’s a painful and confusing time when someone breaks your heart. Even though it hurts, heartbreak shows you were open and cared a lot about your relationship. It’s going to take some time to heal, but there are a lot of things you can do to make coping easier. We’ll start with some tips on how to boost your self-esteem before covering some ways to fill your time and move on from a broken heart!

1

Remind yourself of your strengths when you're feeling low.

  1. Boost your own self-esteem with some positive self-talk. Even though it’s easy to beat yourself up about what went wrong, it’s only going to bring your mood down. Instead, mentally go through all of the things you’re good at and are really proud of.

    If you want, write down all of the positive qualities you like about yourself and read through them whenever you’re down.[1]

    For example, you could say something like, “I worked really hard this year and earned the promotion I wanted,” or, “I’m a great listener and always there when my friends need me.”
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2

Reflect on what you learned.

  1. Reflection can help you recognize what you want and need in a relationship. Write down all of the aspects of the relationship that changed the way you thought or viewed things. Try to recognize both the positive and negative things you learned.

    It might be how you handle an argument, what you need from another person, or what qualities are the most important to you in a partner.[2] Focus on how you can change going forward so you can make your next relationship even stronger.[3]

    You can learn from bad experiences too. For example, you may realize that talking through issues calmly is really important to you if the other person tended to get argumentative.
3

Tell yourself it’s not your fault.

  1. Avoid taking the heartbreak personally since there are a lot of causes. It’s natural to take the blame for your breakup or broken heart, but it will only make you feel more negative. Remember that you may not have been compatible with that person or weren’t able to communicate your needs with one another.

    Rather than blaming the heartbreak on a choice you made, look at the big picture and recognize that you were both trying your best and it wasn’t meant to be.[4]

    Do your best to avoid blaming the breakup on your ex as well since no one goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting someone else.
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5

Make a list of the negative parts of the relationship.

  1. Remembering why it didn’t work out reminds you the person wasn’t perfect. It’s really easy to think about all the good times you had with another person, but that makes you forget about their less desirable qualities.

    Studies have shown that remembering the negatives can help you get over them faster.[6] Make a list of issues that you noticed in the relationship and bad habits that got under your skin. That way, you get some distance and perspective so it’s easier to move on.[7]

    It might feel mean or unpleasant to list bad qualities from the relationship, but that’s probably because you’re idealizing the other person. Naming the negative aspects helps you remember why it ended and what wasn’t working very well.
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6

Forgive the other person so you can move on.

  1. Forgiveness empowers you to move on from any hurt the person caused you. Forgiving someone isn’t saying what they did was right, but it lets them know that you won’t be hurt by them anymore.

    Remember that the decisions they made weren’t based on how they thought of you, but only based on what they’re going through. Try to look at it through the other person’s perspective so you can be more understanding and feel better moving forward.[8]

    You don’t even need to talk to the other person to completely forgive them as long as you’re able to move on from it on your own.

    For example, you can write down what you want to say in a letter without actually sending it to them.[9]
7

Remove any painful reminders of your ex.

  1. Hide anything that could stir up memories you made with the person. Gather any keepsakes or objects that remind you of the person and put them in a box. Put the box somewhere that’s out of sight and where you won’t think about it so you’re less likely to reminisce about your heartbreak.

    Alternatively, give the items to a friend to hold onto so you aren’t as tempted to look.[10]
    • You could also throw away all of the things that remind you of the person if you really don’t want to hold onto them, but they may hold sentimental value. That’s why most people just keep them out of sight.
    • Make a ritual of getting rid of the memories. For example, you could burn old notes or pictures from when you were together.[11]
    • Spaces in your home can bring back memories just like objects can. Try rearranging your furniture or putting on a fresh coat of paint on the walls to change it up and make new memories.
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9

Distract yourself with hobbies you love.

  1. Focus your energy on what you love to fill up your time. Since you don’t have to worry about freeing up your schedule for another person, do activities that you love or have always wanted to try. Try your hand at an intramural sport, pore over your favorite book, or play through a new video game you’re excited about.

    Reconnecting with your interests helps a lot to move on with your life and grow as a person.[13] Look for community classes or enthusiast groups in your area so you can find people who enjoy the same things as you.
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11

Cut off all contact with your ex, at least for now.

  1. Reaching out to the person could bring up old feelings. It’s tough not messaging or calling someone that you care about, but do your best to avoid any form of communication.

    If you need to, delete or block their number so you aren’t tempted to reach out to them. You need the space and distance away from them to really process how you’re feeling and move on from them.[15]

    If you can’t bring yourself to delete their number, change their name in your contacts so you can’t find them when you feel the urge to chat. Avoid asking your mutual friends about how the other person is doing as well.

    Studies have shown that you might feel more stressed looking the person up on social media.[16] Since it might sting seeing their posts, consider unfollowing, unfriending, or blocking them.[17]
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12

Give yourself time to get over it.

  1. It’s okay to feel sad or upset for a while when you’re heartbroken. Everyone takes a different amount of time to move on from a broken heart, so don’t worry about how long you’re still feeling down.

    Allow yourself to be upset and cry as much as you need to so you can feel better. Give yourself a day to grieve and you might be surprised by how much better you’re feeling.[18]

    It usually takes around 3 months to fully move on, but it could take longer. Take things slowly so you don’t rush into something you don’t want.[19]
13

Reach out again if you want to stay friends.

  1. You might still be friends as long as you don’t have other motives. We know that losing someone close to you can be hard since they were a major part of your life. Really think about why you still want to stay connected with them, and if it’s because you want to get back together, maybe reconsider seeing them.

    If you feel like you’ve completely moved on from the person that broke your heart, try reaching out to them again to see if they want to talk or get a coffee with you.[20]

    Avoid rushing into a friendship immediately after a breakup since you might fall back into old patterns or routines.
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14

Start dating again when you’re over the relationship.

  1. Wait until you’re ready to put yourself back out there. While you could always try to find a rebound relationship right away, they usually won’t last since your mind is still on the person you used to see.

    Wait until you don’t feel the need to compare the person you’re seeing to your ex to start dating again. Some questions to ask yourself before you start dating again include:[21]
    • Am I dating someone for validation or because I actually want to spend time with them?
    • Am I dating to make my ex jealous?
    • Am I dating just only because I feel lonely?

Expert Q&A

  • Question
    Why am I hurting so much?
    Amy Chan
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach
    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    Through repetition, your brain got used to getting a dose of dopamine from interactions with your partner. After the loss of that person, each one of those neural circuits has to be reconstructed to account for your new reality.
  • Question
    How long does it take to get over heartbreak?
    Amy Chan
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach
    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    Research shows that the pain of a romantic rejection usually fades away over the course of about 6 months to 2 years.
  • Question
    How I can forget someone who I loved that lied and ruined my life?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    There are some good tips in Forget Someone You Love.
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Warnings

  • If you’re really struggling to overcome heartbreak and nothing else is working, reach out to a therapist and talk to them.[23]
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  • Even though it may give you relief in the moment, avoid coping with drugs or alcohol since relying on substances becomes an unhealthy habit in the long run.[24]
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About This Article

Amy Chan
Co-authored by:
Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Amy Chan and by wikiHow staff writer, Hunter Rising. Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp. This article has been viewed 145,796 times.
4 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 32
Updated: April 10, 2022
Views: 145,796
Categories: Handling Rejection
Article SummaryX

While overcoming hearbreak is a long process, there are some things you can do to ease the pain, like being kind to yourself and recognizing that the pain won't last forever. It can be hard to feel comforted by the future, but talking to friends or a therapist, if you can afford one, may help you to deal with your feelings and see what you may have learned from the breakup. To help get through the day, distract yourself with other things, like pets or hobbies. To better understand why we feel heartbroken, keep reading.

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