How to Live with a Step Parent

Last Updated: December 1, 2022 References

If your mom or dad is remarrying or has a new partner who lives in their home, you might be worried how things are going to change. Having a step-parent can feel weird at first, but you can learn to get used to it. First, learn how to navigate this new reality by talking to your parent about any changes. Work to build a relationship with your step-parent by spending more time with them. It’s also important for you to get help dealing with some of the tough emotions that all these changes are probably causing. But don’t worry! There are lots of people who can be there for you!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Coping With the New Dynamics

1
Sit down with your parent to talk. If your parent has recently remarried, you may not be sure how the new changes will affect you. Pull your biological parent aside and ask them to clarify anything you're not sure about.^{[1]
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- You might say something like, "I'm a bit confused about how things are going to change in our house. What's going to happen now that we're all living together?"
- Ask as many questions as you need to get a clear understanding about your new reality. Understand that some questions your parent may not yet have an answer to. Give it some time. You guys will eventually work out the kinks as everyone gets used to living together.
2
Figure out your new routine. Things change when new people enter a household, so you'll need to figure out what your new day-to-day schedule will look like. Maybe your parent remarrying caused you to move to a new area or a bigger house. These new changes impact how things work in the household and in your life.^{[2]
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- Once you figure out how any new changes will affect you, try to build a routine. You might work with your parent and step-parent to draw up a schedule of how your days will go.
- For example, you might need to be dropped off at school by your step-parent and ride the bus home. Or, maybe your step-parent will be the one taking you to soccer practice.
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3
Ask for space when you need it. Living in a household with strangers can be overwhelming at first. Your new home just might feel crowded! That's normal, but you can deal with it by asking for space. Let everyone know when you need time to yourself.
- Politely say something like, "I'm feeling a bit crowded right now. Can I go to my room?"
- It's always great for every child to have a space to themselves. Go to your special place--whether it is a tree house, hiding place, or bedroom--whenever you need to catch your breath.
- You might call your other parent to talk, read a book, or just sit and think.
4
Defer to your biological parent. Dealing with conflict in a step-family can be tough. In most cases, your biological parent will continue to make and enforce the rules, but there may be times when you and your step-parent bump heads. If this happens, bring your parent on board to help you settle any issues.
- If you think your step-parent’s new rules are too strict or unfair, talk to your biological parent about it first. Minimize conflict by letting them negotiate on your behalf.
- If you have an issue, you might say, "Mom, I don't think it's fair that my curfew has changed. Can we talk about that?"
5
Have realistic expectations. It’s unrealistic to think that you and your step-parent will be best buds. In addition, it's unrealistic that you and your step-siblings will quickly start feeling like one big happy family. Lower your expectations in the beginning and wait to see how things turn out.^{[3]
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- Simply try to get along with everyone by treating them as kindly as you would other adults or kids.
6
Be patient. Your step family is a work in progress. It takes time for everyone to adjust to the changes and feel a part of the family unit. If you and your step-parent don’t immediately get along, try not to make a big deal about it. Both of you may have your guard up early on. Give it time. The two of you might be keeping secrets and sharing hobbies before long.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Interacting with Your Step-Parent

1
Figure out what you should call your step-parent. You probably don't want to call your step-parent “Mom” or “Dad,” and you shouldn’t have to. Get with your parent and new step-parent and ask them what they think.
- For instance, they may want you to call them by their first name only (like “Jill”) or they may prefer a more formal title.
- Whatever they suggest you call them, try to respect their decision.
2
Speak respectfully. You can increase your chances of having a positive relationship with your step-parent if you treat them respectfully. One way to do this is by talking to them in the same way you would any other adult, such as a parent, teacher, or coach. Don’t raise your voice or use inappropriate words in their presence.^{[4]
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3
Spend time together. You and your step-parent are more likely to hit it off if you actually do things together, preferably one-on-one. Use everyday activities like household chores as an excuse to spend time with them and get to know them better.^{[5]
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- For example, if your stepmom asks, “Anyone want to help me in the garden?,” you should offer to join her so the two of you can chat.
4
Search for something you like about them. You may feel like you should naturally dislike your step-parent in order to show loyalty to your biological parent. This doesn’t have to be the case. Instead of noticing all the ways this person isn’t like your mom or dad, try to look for things about them that you do like.^{[6]
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- For example, maybe your stepdad tells really funny jokes or makes a delicious stack of pancakes on Saturday mornings. Focus on these things rather than building on the list of things you don’t like.
- Similar to how you would not compare one friend to another friend, avoid comparing your step parent to your biological parent.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Adjusting to the Changes

1
Realize that a step-parent isn’t meant to replace your parent. Many kids take offense to the presence of a new person in their parent’s life because they think this person intends on replacing the other parent. Your step-parent can’t replace your biological parent. No matter if they live around the corner or across the country, they are still your parent.
- Think of your step-parent as just another authority figure in your life like a teacher or coach. You don’t have to become best buds with this person. All you have to do is learn to get along with them and treat them with respect.
2
Deal with your jealousy in an appropriate way. It's perfectly normal to feel a little jealous when you see a new person cozying up to your parent. Plus, if step-siblings are a part of the equation, you may feel irritated about having to share your Mom or Dad with them. Jealousy is a common emotion. Notice when you're feeling it and find healthy ways of getting those feelings out.^{[7]
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- For example, when you notice yourself feeling jealous, you might ask for some quality time with your parent alone. You might also call a friend to vent or write in your journal. You could also ask friends who have step parents how they deal with these feelings. This will give you an opportunity to connect with someone who has had similar experiences.
3
Spend one-on-one time with your parent regularly. Does it feel like this new person is demanding all of your parent’s attention? More than likely, neither your parent nor step-parent is purposefully trying to push you out of the equation. If you feel like this is happening, tell your mom or dad. Ask them to carve out some time in their schedule just for you.^{[8]
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- You might bring up the topic by saying something like, "Mom, I really miss our Saturday shopping and lunch dates. Can we start that back up again? It would be fun for us to spend more time together alone."
- It’s important for everyone to accept the new family structure, but it’s equally important for you to maintain a bond with your parent. Instead of feeling threatened by your step-parent’s presence, just let your parent know you need some one-on-one time.
4
Stay focused on school and extracurriculars. Dealing with changes at home can take a toll on your emotional well-being. Counteract this by having stability in other areas of your life. If you have always been the school council president, stick to your duties. Try your best to maintain all your school and extracurricular activities to feel balanced.^{[9]
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5
Connect with your siblings. If you have sisters or brothers, they may serve as good sounding boards. You might notice that even if you and your siblings don't usually get along, you might have similar feelings about your new step-parent. Turn to them when you're getting down or whenever you need a listening ear.^{[10]
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- You might say something like, "Cody, how are you feeling about Dad's new wife?" or "I miss Mom."
6
Lean on friends for support. Parents can’t completely understand what it’s like for you as a child or adolescent to deal with a new step-parent. That's why it's good to talk things through with your closest friends. Turn to your social circle for support, encouragement, or simply to take your mind off the changes back at home.^{[11]
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7
Talk to another trusted adult. In addition to talking to your siblings and friends, it may also help to share your feelings with another adult you trust. An aunt or uncle, a teacher, or a coach may be able to offer you an encouraging word. Considering how common divorces are, these adults may even be able to relate to what you're dealing with.
8
Ask to see a counselor. If you’re having trouble adjusting after your parent remarries, talking to a counselor may help. Counselors will often see an entire family in a step parent scenario to help ease the transition. You may schedule an appointment with the counselor at your school or ask your parent to set you up with a mental health counselor in your local community.^{[12]
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- To bring up the subject, you might say, “Dad, I’m having a hard time dealing with everything that’s happening. I think it’d be good if I talked to a professional. Does that sound okay to you?”

Expert Q&A

Question

What rights do step parents have?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Depending on family circumstances, stepparents may adopt their stepchildren. But if the other parent is alive and involved, this would not be the case. Consult a family attorney in your state to see what rights you would have for visitation in the case of a divorce.
Question

Is a stepparent considered a parent?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

This will vary family by family. It depends on things like how young the children are when the stepparent comes into their lives and whether the children's other parent is involved in their lives. Individual couples decide to what extent the stepparent will be involved in disciplining the children.
Question

How do you deal with stepchildren?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

In the beginning, dealing with stepchildren can be difficult. This will vary with their ages and the circumstances of their parents no longer being together. Accept them and try not to resent their presence in your new marriage. Don't try to monopolize your spouse during times they usually are with their children.