How to Get Your Parents to Be Nicer to You

Co-authored by Wits End Parenting and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: December 3, 2022 References

There are few things more frustrating than your parents being mean, harsh, or acting like they just don’t get you. Unfortunately, you can’t control how your parents act. But you can choose how you react to them, and that can make a big difference in how well you get along. In this article, we’ll give you a few tips for how to deal with your parents when they’re being difficult.

1

Set a good example for them.

Parents can learn from their kids’ behavior, too. Treat your parents the way you want them to treat you. If you make an effort to be kind, respectful, and helpful, they’ll probably really appreciate it—and they might try to return the favor!^{[1]
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- If there’s something you appreciate about your parents, tell them. Say things like, “That was a really great dinner, Dad. Thanks for taking the time to cook for us.”
- Little gestures like giving your parents a hug, doing a chore without being asked, or saying “I love you” are simple ways to show you care.
- When you show appreciation or gratitude for something your parents do, they’ll want to keep doing it! Always speak up when they do something nice for you.

2

Avoid lashing out or getting back at them.

Acting out can feel satisfying, but it usually makes things worse. When your parents are being mean, you might want to scream, throw things, or even look for ways to get revenge. But doing these things won’t help. It’s likely to just make your parents mad and keep the cycle going. Instead, look for healthy ways to let out your angry feelings.^{[2]
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- Sometimes it helps to get moving when you’re upset. Try going for a run or a bike ride until you calm down.
- If you’re really mad, try punching your pillow, pounding on some Play-Doh, or squeezing a stress ball as hard as you can.
- Writing down your feelings can also help you feel better. You could even write a letter to your parents letting out all the things you want to say to them, but don’t show it to them. Put it away somewhere or tear it up when you’re done.

3

Look for ways to spend quality time together.

Having more positive moments can improve your relationship. Instead of avoiding or ignoring your parents, go out of your way to do fun things with them. When you’re together, chat with them about things that are important to you or that you find interesting. The more time you make for having fun together, the better you’ll get along.^{[3]
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- For example, instead of playing a video game or turning on the TV when you’re done with school, say something like, “Hey Mom, do you want to go for a walk with me?” or “Would you guys like to play a board game?”
- Try not to just talk to your parents about problems or negative things in your life. Let them know about something funny that happened in school, tell them about a cool book you’re reading, or ask them to tell you stories about when they were kids.^{[4]
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4

Tell your parents how you feel.

Your parents might not understand how their actions affect you. It can be tough to speak up about your feelings, especially if your parents are being harsh or unfair. But it’s the best way to let them know what’s going on in your head, and it might get their attention better than just acting on your feelings. So instead of yelling, storming out, or getting quiet, try to put your emotions into words. Let them know that you feel bad and you want their help to make things better.^{[5]
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- For example, say something like, “Mom, when you yell at me like that, I feel scared and angry.”

5

Use “I” language when you talk to them.

The word “you” can make people feel attacked. When you’re talking to your parents, put the focus on your feelings—not on what your parents are doing. This way, they won’t feel so much like you’re blaming or judging them, and they’re more likely to listen.^{[6]
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- For example, instead of saying something like, “You’re so mean! You never let me do anything!” try something like, “I feel frustrated and upset when I ask to visit my friends and you say no. It means a lot to me to spend time with them.”
- Also try to stay away from words like “always” or “never”—since it’s probably not true that your parents always or never do a certain thing! Stick to one specific thing that’s bothering you instead of exaggerating or making general complaints.

6

Pick a time to talk when everyone’s calm.

Talking when everyone’s stressed or upset can make things worse. If your parents are already upset or if you’re in the middle of an argument, your conversation might just turn into more fighting. They’re also less likely to listen to you if they’re really busy or worried about something else. Choose a time when you and your parents are all pretty chill and you know you’ll have time to talk.^{[7]
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- For example, it’s probably better to talk in the evening after school and work instead of in the morning when everyone is rushing to get ready.
- If you’re having trouble finding a good time, ask your parents when you can talk. Say something like, “Dad, there’s something important I want to talk to you about. Do you have a few minutes after dinner?”

7

Try to stay calm.

If you keep your cool, your parents might do the same. People are like mirrors when they argue—they tend to reflect back what the other person is doing. Even if you’re really upset, try to keep your tone calm and respectful. That way, your parents are more likely to listen and less likely to blow up at you.^{[8]
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- If you feel your temper starting to rise, take a few slow, deep breaths. You can also try counting slowly backwards from 10 in your head.
- You can also say something like, “I’m starting to feel really upset, and I don’t want to yell. I need to leave the room for a minute and calm down.”
- Staying calm during an argument or a tough conversation is really hard, and it takes practice to get good at it! Don’t be mad at yourself if you struggle with this at first.

8

Listen to their side.

Show your parents that you care about their feelings, too. If you listen to them, they’ll feel more valued and respected, which might make them a little more ready to hear your side of things. As hard as it might be, give your parents a chance to talk and explain where they’re coming from—and do your best to really understand what they’re saying.^{[9]
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- While your parent is talking, don’t interrupt them or try to contradict them. If you want, you can give them signals to let them know you’re listening, like nodding or saying “uh huh” or “okay.”
- Try repeating what they said in your own words to let them know you understood. For example, if your dad says, “You’re always messing around on your phone during dinner. It’s so disrespectful!” say something like, “I hear you, Dad. You don’t like it when I spend so much time on the phone. I’ll try not to do that from now on.”

9

Try to come up with a solution together.

Sometimes a good plan can help everyone feel better. If there’s something specific that you’re arguing about, sit down with your parents and talk about different ways to fix it. This way, you’ll all feel like you’re doing something productive instead of just fighting about the same things over and over.^{[10]
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- You could say something like, “I know it bothers you when my room is messy, but I’m always really tired after school. Can you let me take a nap when I get home instead of asking me to pick up right away?”
- Listen to your parents’ ideas, too. If they feel like you value what they have to say, they’re more likely to take you seriously.

10

Take a break if you’re not getting anywhere.

Trying to keep talking when everyone’s upset won’t solve anything. If you feel like your conversation is about to turn into another big argument, it’s time to step away. Say something like, “I think I need to take a break and calm down. Let’s talk about this later.”^{[11]
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- During your break, take time to think about what went wrong and how you can avoid it next time. Think about different strategies you can try when you talk to your parents again.

11

Be kind to yourself.

Try not to blame yourself when your parents are being harsh. If your parents are being really mean or unfair, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong—or even like there’s something wrong with you. But everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, even when they mess up. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and try to be nice to yourself even when your parents aren’t.^{[12]
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- Take time to do things you enjoy, even if that means just spending a few minutes a day reading your favorite book, watching funny videos online, or chatting with a friend.
- Don’t forget to do basic things to take care of yourself, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy snacks, and getting physical activity.

12

Get help from a trusted adult if nothing is working.

If your parents are often mean to you, you might need outside help. If your parents really don’t seem to care about your feelings, or if they keep doing hurtful things even when you calmly ask them to stop, let someone know. You could tell another relative (like an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, or a grown-up sibling), a teacher, a school counselor, or your doctor. Explain what’s been going on and ask for their advice. They might also be able to talk to your parents for you.^{[13]
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- It’s never okay for your parents to hurt you physically, or even say they are going to. Hitting, pushing, grabbing, kicking, and threats are all forms of abuse.^{[14]
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  Research source} If this is happening, don’t try to talk to your parents about it. Tell someone right away.
- If your parents often scream or yell at you, call you mean names, put you down, or ignore you when you’re hurt or upset, tell someone. These are also abusive behaviors, and they’re not okay.