How to Fix a Marriage After Financial Infidelity

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: February 9, 2022 References

Dealing with financial infidelity in a marriage brings up a lot of different emotions: you might be feeling blindsided, like your trust has been broken, or like your future was gambled away. Financial infidelity occurs when your spouse lies about and conceals important information about their finances. This could include things like hiding purchases, keeping secret credit cards or bank accounts, or falling into debt without telling you.^{[1]
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Research source} Working to fix a marriage after financial infidelity takes a lot of communication, and we’re here to walk you through it.

1

Talk about the reasons why financial infidelity happened.

Financial infidelity is a communication problem, so talk about it head-on. Take some time for yourself so that you can collect your feelings. Then, tell your spouse that it’s important for you and your marriage that you discuss what happened.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} It’s best to have this conversation as soon as you feel able, so that you can move on.
- Start with something simple, like “Could you tell me why you decided to keep this debt secret?”
- Try to stay away from insulting your spouse, because it might lead to them becoming defensive.^{[3]
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  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} You want to use this conversation to understand your spouse’s motivations.
- What happened could be as simple as mismatched expectations—some people simply believe that it's appropriate to not share all their financial information with their spouses. If that’s the case, use this conversation to clarify what information each of you believes needs to be shared with each other, so that you can end up on the same page.^{[4]
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- If the reason why your spouse committed financial infidelity is more serious, like a gambling or shopping addiction, you’ll need to address these issues as well.^{[5]
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  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Lying to your spouse about these habits are signs of a deeper problem, and seeking out professional help from a counselor is important.^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}

2

Address your money goals.

Work together by writing a list with your spouse of your money plans.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Do you have goals (like retirement) to save for? Keep the list in an easily accessible place when you’re finished making it. This list can be a touchstone for you both that orients your financial decisions.^{[8]
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- You can bring this idea up with your spouse by saying something like, “There’s an exercise I want us to try together. I think it’ll be something that’s useful for us to look back on now and then so that we can remind ourselves of what we’re working towards.”
- Don’t forget to add to your list some fun items as well. Money conversations shouldn’t always feel serious. This is also a great time to think about some expenses, like a family vacation, that you can look forward to in the near future as well.^{[9]
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3

Keep track of each other’s credit cards and accounts.

After an infidelity, earn your trust back by adding accountability.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Share all your passwords to each other’s bank accounts, and check their credit card statements regularly. Once trust has built up again, you can check less frequently, but having transparency is still a good idea.^{[11]
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- If you’re having trouble bringing this up with your spouse, introduce this conversation with something like, “I want to be able to trust you again with money, but in order to do that, we need to have some way of staying accountable. I want full transparency about money in our relationship.”

4

Check-in with your spouse before big purchases.

The rules vary for each couple, but clue in your spouse on money decisions. This could mean setting a price limit for purchases. If you or your spouse wants to buy something over that price, send them a text first asking for approval. Even if only one spouse committed financial infidelity, make the rules the same for both of you, so that you’re each on even ground.^{[12]
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- Your policy might be something like needing to get a text message approval from your spouse whenever you want to buy something over $100.
- To introduce this idea to your spouse, tell them something like, “In the future, it would make me more comfortable if we had a policy to tell each other before we plan on buying anything expensive.”

5

Make a budget together.

Have a solid budget to fix your finances and relationship.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Set aside a couple of hours to track your monthly income and expenses and to plan your finances in the coming months. A good budget is a project that you and your spouse are both in on, and one that sets you up for future success.^{[14]
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- If you don’t already have a budget with your spouse, you can bring this idea up with them by saying something like, “I know we’ve been having a difficult road when it comes to finances, but let’s work on a budget together so that we can be on the same page.”

6

Create a roadmap to get out of debt.

If financial infidelity has you in a bad financial position, work together to escape it. It’s a shock to find out your finances aren’t as strong as you thought, but you can’t give up hope. By creating a roadmap with your spouse to fix this situation, you can be reminded that even with this setback, you’re still a team.^{[15]
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- When you’re facing unexpected debt, remember that typical financial advice still applies. Pay down smaller and high-interest debts first, before moving on to longer-term ones.^{[16]
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- Talk about creating a roadmap for dealing with your debt by telling your spouse something like, “We’re in a mess now, but we need to find our way out of it. Lets sit down and come up with a plan.”

7

Discuss the values you have around money.

Understand how your partner approaches money in their own words. How each of us thinks about money is affected by a number of factors, most importantly how we were raised. Open a conversation with your spouse to discuss the values you have regarding money, so that you can communicate more effectively about it in the future.^{[17]
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- Ask your spouse to answer some questions about themselves, and do the same for yourself. Start with questions like: “Are you a spender or a saver?” or “How much of a security net do you need to feel comfortable?”
- This kind of conversation should happen when both you and your spouse are feeling calm and open, so that you can both give each other room to answer honestly.
- When you feel ready to have this talk, bring it up to your spouse with something like, “I think we should take some time to really understand how each of us thinks about money. It’s an important part of our relationship, so we should talk about it.”

8

Regularly schedule a day to talk about money.

Whether monthly or weekly, sit down to talk about money. Take an hour to go over any pieces of news related to your finances that you didn’t get a chance to share with your spouse during the week. Then, check-in on how your money goals are progressing.^{[18]
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- These conversations can often feel daunting, so it can be helpful to schedule something fun to do afterwards. Sit down together to watch an episode of your favorite TV show or go out for dinner after you make it through your regular money conversation.
- In order to start scheduling a regular time to meet about money with your spouse, tell them something like, “We need to start being on the same page about money in our relationship, and a lot of people recommend having a regular meeting to talk about this topic. How about we start setting aside time every other Thursday night to go through our finances?”

9

Get an appointment with a financial advisor.

A third party can help you figure out your money.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} A financial planner is an impartial advisor that can hash out all the details of your accounts, and create a plan to get you back on track. Many financial advisors are experienced with issues of financial infidelity.^{[20]
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- It’s OK to tell your spouse that you think you need another person to help you navigate these issues.^{[21]
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  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Many cases of financial infidelity start when one spouse doesn’t think the other spouse knows how to figure out what’s going on with the finances.^{[22]
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- To bring up this idea, tell your spouse something like, “There are a lot of details here, and I think it would be best to get a professional involved. I’m going to be making an appointment with a financial advisor, and it’s important that you join me.”

10

Meet with a marriage or couple’s counselor.

Financial infidelity isn’t just a money issue, but a relationship one too. In order to fix the breach of trust that this infidelity caused, it’s a good idea to seek the help of a professional. Financial infidelity is a common issue, and marriage counselors are trained to help you both work through your feelings.^{[23]
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- It can feel intimidating to bring up counseling with your spouse, but if you feel like your relationship needs it, don’t be afraid.
- Tell your spouse something like, “I don’t think this is something we can fix without any help. I want you to come to a counseling session with me so that we can work through what happened.”

11

Keep an eye out for signs of a slip-up.

If financial infidelity happens again, catch it early. If you notice suspicious activity from your spouse in the future, address it head-on, so that you can clear the air before things get worse. Some signs that you’ll want to look out for include:^{[24]
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- Passwords to bank or credit card accounts changed without your knowledge
- A credit card statement from an account you didn’t know about
- Defensiveness and anger from your spouse when you bring up money topics

12

Have a plan in case financial infidelity happens again.

After an incident of financial infidelity, it’s important to protect yourself. Rebuilding trust with your spouse is the goal, but you don’t want to be hurt again if they fall back into the same patterns. Ask yourself what you want to do if this incident happens again, and communicate these boundaries with your spouse.^{[25]
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- For example, you might want to tell your spouse something like, “I want to be clear with you that if this happens again, marriage counseling is non-negotiable.”
- 10% of marriages end solely because of financial infidelity, and a far larger portion of divorces include these issues as well.^{[26]
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- If your spouse’s financial infidelity is part of a larger pattern of abuse, and they turn aggressive and angry at you when you address their mistakes, it may be time to consider ending your relationship.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can a marriage survive financial infidelity?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Financial infidelity can feel like a betrayal creating a wedge between you and your partner. That said, recovering from financial infidelity can occur. It may be prudent to work with a financial advisor to discover some solutions to move your finances forward, though.
Question

How do I regain trust after financial infidelity?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Do not lay blame or shame on your partner. Also, remember to accept your own role in this financial mishap. Discover new ways to communicate and create an agreement on how to prevent future problems. Never avoid having a discussion about financial matters.