How to Deal with Strict Christian Parents

Co-authored by Lia Huynh, LMFT and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: May 18, 2022 References

If you have strict Christian parents, trying to enjoy your independence can be a challenge. Your parents likely have strong ideas about how you should dress, who you should hang out with, where you can and can't go, and much more. If you're still living at home, the best thing you can do is to try to get along with your parents until you're old enough to live on your own. However, you may gradually be able to get them to relax their rules if you show them you can be trusted.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Along with Your Parents

1
Obey your parents while you live at home. It won't always be easy, but the best way to get along with your parents is to follow their rules. Remember, your time as a child at home is relatively short, even if it doesn't feel like it. If you do still live at home, consider abiding by their dress code, curfew, and other rules, even if you don't agree with them. Over time, as you show them you can be trusted, they're likely to give you more freedom.
- No matter how unlikely it seems now, as you get older, you may be surprised to find that you appreciate some of the rules that seemed especially strict when you were younger.
- If your parents' rules put you in danger, it's okay to disobey them. For instance, if they're abusing you and they're demanding that you don't tell anyone, or if they've forbidden you from getting the medical care that you need, you should find a trusted adult who's willing to help you.
2
Try to see your parents as people. If you have really strict parents, it can be tempting to just see them as tough people who only care about rules. However, your parents are people too, and they're more than likely doing what they genuinely feel is best for you. For example, your parents might have been through difficult things in their lives, making them feel like being strict is the only way to keep you safe. Understanding that can help you get along with them better.^{[1]
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- Ask your parents questions about their childhoods to get insight into how they were raised. For example, if their parents were really strict as well, they might feel like that's a necessary part of parenthood. If they had really permissive parents, they might feel like that led them to make mistakes they'd rather protect you from.
Tip: Being a parent is a learning process, and your parents will probably make mistakes along the way. Seeing them as individuals can help you be patient as you learn to build a relationship together.

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3
Remember that your parents love you. When you're facing a rule you don't like, or when your parents are getting on to you for misbehaving, try to remember that they love you, and you love them. Your parents most likely want to see you succeed in life, and there are a lot of pitfalls and dangers in the world that can sideline you from reaching your goals.
- For instance, it might seem totally unfair to you that your parents won't let you have your own phone until you're 16, but they may feel that's necessary to protect you from some of the dangers that come along with technology, like predators who target children and young teens.
4
Practice active listening when your parents talk to you. One way you can show respect to your parents is by being a good listener. Nod and say things like, “Okay” or “I understand” to show them that you're paying attention. When they finish talking, summarize what you think they said to make sure you understood. Then, you can share your point of view with them.
- For instance, if your parents are explaining why they don't want you to stay the night at a friend's house, you might say, “So, I feel like your biggest concern is that we won't be supervised. I know Mrs. Smith is going to be home all night. Could we call and talk to her together to see if that makes you feel more comfortable?”
- Approach your parents with love, understanding and respect.
- Ask permission to share your opinion.
- Use padding phrases like, this is just my opinion, while sharing your views to soften the conversation.
5
Don't get frustrated just because your parents bring up religion. You might feel a little annoyed sometimes when you're trying to talk to your parents and they turn the subject back to God. Try to be patient with them, though. While your feelings are perfectly normal, your parents' spirituality is a big part of their lives, and they likely just want to you to get the same comfort from it that they do.
- Your parents may not understand why you don't feel the same way about religion as they do.
6
Avoid getting into heated religious debates. If your parents have a stance on something that you disagree with strongly, like politics or social issues, remember that you're probably not going to change each other's minds by arguing. It's okay to respectfully say something like, "I don't agree with that." However, if you know it will probably start an argument, ask yourself if it's worth even bringing it up.^{[2]
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- While it can be really hard to keep your opinions to yourself, sometimes you just have to be willing to agree to disagree.
- If you do speak up, try to do so as respectfully as possible. For instance, you might say, “Mom, I know you believe that homosexuality is wrong, and I'm not trying to change your mind, but I just want to say that the word you just used is really hurtful. Could you say something else next time, instead?”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Handling Conflict

1
Treat your parents with respect, even during an argument. If a touchy subject comes up, it can be hard to keep your calm. However, in order to be respectful, it's important to avoid yelling, talking back, rolling your eyes, or calling them names, no matter how emotional you're feeling. Try to keep your tone calm and loving, even if they're starting to get upset.^{[3]
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- Losing your temper won't convince your parents to change their rules, and it will just make the conflict worse in the moment.
Tip: If you need to, ask if you can excuse yourself for a moment to calm down before you continue the conversation. Take a few long, slow breaths until you feel yourself starting to cool off.
2
Ask your parents to compromise if you disagree with a rule. Talk to your parents about why you think the rule is unfair, and ask if you can meet in the middle. Be willing to give a little on your end, too. By showing them that you can compromise, they're more likely to see how much you're maturing, which might help them relax a little about some of their rules.^{[4]
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- For instance, you might say something like, “Hey Mom, I wanted to talk to you about your rule that I can't wear makeup until I'm 15. I was wondering if maybe you would let me start wearing just a little concealer when I have a breakout, though, because I feel a little self-conscious about my acne. Maybe you could even show me how to use it so it looks natural!”
3
Be honest and accept the consequences maturely if you get in trouble. If you try to go around one of your parents' rules and you get caught, lying about it or trying to cover it up will just make things worse. If your parents are somewhat reasonable, own up to what you did, and accept whatever the punishment is without complaining. Accepting responsibility may help lessen the consequences of your action, and it may help your parents view you as being more responsible in the long run.
- For instance, if you missed your curfew, you might say, “I know I was supposed to come right home from Scott's house, but he wanted to stop to buy a new video game. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I won't try to talk you out of grounding me.”
- Unfortunately, it may sometimes be necessary to keep something hidden if you're concerned that being honest will affect your safety. For instance, if your parents have a history of abuse or you're afraid they'll kick you out of the house, you may not be comfortable opening up to them about your LGBTQ+ identity until after you've moved out on your own.
Tip: If your parents' punishment includes hitting you, screaming at you, or belittling you, those are signs of abuse. Find a trusted adult, like a family friend or a school counselor, and talk to them about it as soon as possible.
4
Request that your parents respect your faith if it differs from theirs. It can be really hard to convince your Christian parents that you have the right to practice your own religion, even if you don't live at home anymore. However, it's perfectly fine to say something like, “Mom, I've found a lot of peace in practicing Buddhism, and I know you don't agree with it, but I hope you can respect my right to practice what I believe, the same way you do.”^{[5]
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- Keep in mind that according to Christian beliefs, only other Christians can go to heaven, so your parents' concern about your spirituality comes from being afraid that their child won't enjoy the afterlife with them. If you don't have the same beliefs, this might seem silly, but it's a very real fear to them.
5
Set aside time to talk to your parents if you need to have a serious conversation. If you have strict parents, it can be really scary to have to tell them something that will upset them, whether that's a bad report card, getting in trouble at school, or something even more serious, like an unplanned pregnancy. You might even need to come out to them if you're gay, which can be a really emotional conversation if your parents disapprove of the LGBTQ+ community. However, honesty is important, so find a time when they're not busy and sit down with them in a quiet place, then share your thoughts with them.^{[6]
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- Try to stay calm as you talk to your parents, then listen respectfully as they react, even if they get upset at first.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Gaining Your Independence

1
Ask your friends to be understanding. It can feel really isolating to have strict parents, especially if they won't let you do the same things all of your other friends can do. However, if you have loving, supportive friends, you should be able to ask them to help accommodate you, like hanging out in places that your parents will approve of, or maybe even going to church with you sometimes.
- Try saying something like, “I'd love to go to the movies, but my mom isn't going to let me go unless we see something she approves of. What if we find something really silly that's rated PG, then we stock up on all the candy we can carry?”
2
Show your parents that you can be trusted. A lot of your parents' rules come from a fear that if you don't have guidelines, you won't make good choices on your own. Show them that they don't need to worry about this by following the rules that your parents have in place. Try to take care of all of your responsibilities, like cleaning your room or doing your homework, without having to be reminded.^{[7]
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- You can also take on extra responsibilities around the house, like caring for a younger sibling or raking the yard when you notice leaves building up, without having to be asked to do them.
3
Stay busy with activities your parents will approve of. If your parents are strict, it can be hard to find an activity they'll let you do. For instance, you might want to join softball, but your parents won't let you because the team has practice during Wednesday night prayer meeting. Instead of butting heads with them over it, consider finding another activity that meets on a different night, like the soccer team.
- If you really have your heart set on something, sit down with your parents and talk to them about why it means a lot to you. For instance, you might say something like, “I have friends on the softball team who go to church too, and it seems like a really positive team that I'd love to be a part of. Would you consider letting me join if I promise I'll attend every Sunday morning and Sunday evening service at church?”
Tip: Try to find church activities you genuinely enjoy. For instance, if your parents don't want you to join the drama team at school, maybe you could join the performance choir at your church instead.
4
Spend time apart from your parents if they try to control you after you move out. When you do finally get out on your own, you'll probably find that your parents still have strong opinions on how you should live your life. Set loving but firm boundaries that will give you the space to live as an individual while still having a relationship with them, if that's what you want.^{[8]
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- For instance, you might say, "I love seeing you guys, but it makes me very uncomfortable when you keep bringing up the fact that I'm not going to church right now. If you keep doing that, I'm not going to invite you to my apartment anymore.”

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I talk to my Christian parents?

Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in providing counseling services for individuals, couples, Christians, and Asian Americans. Lia holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pupil Personnel Services from San Francisco State University.

Lia Huynh, LMFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try to get your attitude in a good place first. If you have a good mindset in place, you're more likely to have a productive conversation. Also, be sure to enter the conversation with healthy expectations—some peoples' faith beliefs are very strong, so it's not a great idea to enter a conversation to change anyone's mind. Instead, focus on sharing your thoughts authentically and respectfully.
Question

What if my parents are strict Catholics and I believe in Christ but don't accept Catholic dogmas?

Community Answer

Your religion and your beliefs are your choice and nobody can decide that for you. Your parents love you and should accept you for who you are, not what you believe.
Question

What do I do if I have converted to a religion that my parents don't like?

Community Answer

Talk to them about it and how it makes you feel. They will love you despite your decision of changing religions.