How to Deal with Parents Misunderstanding You

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Last Updated: April 7, 2021 References

You might find that as you become a young adult, you begin to have more conflicts with your parents. Most kids feel misunderstood by their parents at some point or another in life. Parents also struggle to understand their kids and know when to support them and when to intervene in what they think are bad choices. Fortunately, parents and children can communicate better if both sides are willing to share their perspective and listen to each other.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Starting Conversations With Your Parents

1
Know what you want from the conversation. In order to get your point across, you have to know what that point is. Spend some time before the conversation reflecting on what you hope to change as a result of the conversation. If you think you'll have trouble remembering your points or staying on track in the heat of the moment, write down a set of clearly stated goals that you hope to achieve with the conversation. You can also try practicing the conversation in front of the mirror.^{[1]
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- For example, many people want their parents to let them stay out later, do a different afterschool activity, change their college major, etc. Other times, you may just want your parents to listen to you with less judgement. More than one of these things may be at play, so write them down as a list. For example:
  - I want to feel less negative judgement for my decisions.
  - I would like to start playing tennis.
  - I want to drive myself to school in the mornings.
2
Choose the right place. The place you choose can change the conversation dramatically. For example, if you bring it up at your parent's office, they are likely to be rushed. They also might feel as though they have to rule with an iron fist to avoid their coworkers thinking they are too soft on you. ^{[2]
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- Try to talk to your parents in a calm, relatively private place. This can be in your home, in the car, or even on a walk together.
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3
Set a date. Block off some time to have this conversation. Tell your parents that you need to spend some quality time with them, and plan on doing that after dinner one night (or whatever your schedule will allow). Setting a time will ensure that both sides are prepared to be in the same place talking at the same time. This works better than just bombarding your parents when they walk in the door.^{[3]
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- Avoid times that you know are stressful for your parents. If your parents are stressed going into the conversation, they are less likely to listen to you or think about what you are saying.
4
Keep the situation calm. Feelings are likely to escalate during this conversation. Keeping yourself as calm as possible is important. If your parents are having a hard time staying calm, take a break or just finish the talk on another day.^{[4]
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- For example, if you are furious that your parents have not agreed to let you stay out later, do not start yelling, “You never let me do anything!” Instead, try something like, “I feel like I am mature enough to be out until 10, and I hope you'll give it some more thought. Can we talk again next week?”
5
Bring up your concerns. Once you start the conversation at the right time and in the right place, you can bring up your main points. Try to do this as naturally as possible. If you just abruptly start rattling off complaints and demands your parents might feel as though they have been ambushed.^{[5]
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- Start the conversation by talking about recent events, and then link one of them to your main points. Say something like “I had a good day at school today. I rode home after with John. He got a parking pass last week so that he could drive to school. It made me realize how much easier it would be to drive instead of riding the bus.”

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating Clearly With Your Parents

1
Talk to your parents frequently. Talking to your parents often is a great way to build a strong relationship. It also builds rapport for when you need to discuss a more sensitive issue. If your parents are used to you being open and honest with them, they will be more likely to listen when you address the issue. If you are generally closed off or dishonest, they may not feel that they can believe all of what you are telling them.^{[6]
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- Make it a point to talk to your parents about things that happen in your day to day life. Keep them up to date on some of the things going on in your life and they will greatly appreciate it most of the time.
2
Consider your parents' point of view. Every parent's job is to make sure that you are happy and productive member of society. No clear cut roadmap exists for them to bring you from birth to adulthood without hiccups, and they often have to just go with their gut. Try to imagine being in your parents' shoes and where they are coming from. Or even try picturing yourself as a parent with a child that you love and want to protect, and all the difficulties that come along with that. Showing your parents that you understand their dilemma can be a sign of maturity that helps them to trust you more.^{[7]
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- For instance, maybe your parents insist that you play a sport, but you would rather spend your time in band. It may help to say something like “I know that you feel like playing a sport will help keep me active, but playing music is shown to improve math skills. On top of that, I can go to the gym a couple of days a week after band practice.”
- If you feel your parents are misunderstanding you, consider that you might be misunderstanding them, too. Ask questions about your parents' reasoning for certain things as way to then better explain your own position to ultimately reach an understanding.
- Keep in mind that being misunderstood and disagreeing are different. Your parents may understand you perfectly, but still disagree on whatever the issue is.
3
Be as direct as possible. If you are vague and general with your parents, they may not understand exactly what you are trying to change. This can be frustrating and usually isn't productive. Instead, have your main points outlined clearly (either in your head or on paper) and get straight to the point.^{[8]
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- Avoid saying general things like, “I just want more freedom.” Instead, tell your parents exactly what you want by saying something like “I would like the freedom to drive myself to and from school.”
4
Handle disagreement in a responsible way. When you conduct yourself responsibly around your parents, they will have a harder time dismissing your concerns as childish. Whining, arguing, and refusing to compromise will not help you appear like a mature, capable adult, but rather more like a toddler. Keep calm, discuss your concerns, and be respectful when your parents do the same.^{[9]
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- Using “I” statements can take you a long way here. Saying things like “You never let me decide anything. My friend's' parents let them decide all the time,” is not constructive. Avoid placing blame on others by instead saying things like, “I feel like I have less of an ability to make my own decisions than other people my age.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Demonstrating Maturity

1
Take responsibility. Blaming others for your problems or mistakes is childish behavior. If you want your parents to believe that you are able to be trusted with your decisions, they will need to see you accept responsibility. Step up and offer to do something around the house, and make sure that anytime you fall short of what you said you would do, you admit it and fix it.^{[10]
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- For example, you might start making dinner a couple of nights a week. Commit to doing it on certain nights, and do it every time. This will show your parents that they can count on you.
2
Seek advice when needed. Responsible adults know that they do not have all of the answers. On top of that, seeking advice gives you an opportunity to talk and build rapport with your parents. You do not have to follow every piece of advice given, but listen carefully and be respectful. This will show your parents that you are thinking through your decisions well, and that you are still willing to let them have input.^{[11]
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3
Avoid placing blame. Placing blame is the opposite of taking responsibility. If you did not do something you should have done that is your fault and no one else's. Accept the fault and work to fix the situation as best you can. This will show your parents that you are ready to accept responsibilities.^{[12]
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- For example, if your parents ask why the trash didn't get taken out, avoid excuses like “I was going to take it out, but I got so busy with homework and I forgot last night. Then, this morning you didn't have breakfast ready and I was in a rush to get to school, and didn't have time.” Instead, accept your mistake and apologize to your parents saying “I'm sorry I didn't get the trash out last night. I will be sure to get it out tonight.”
4
Make compromises with your parents. This is part of being an adult. Make your case and advocate for yourself, but do not shy away from a good deal. If your parents are working with you, return the favor. They will appreciate it and continue to work with you more in the future.^{[13]
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- For example, say your current curfew is 8:00 but you ask “Mom, Dad, can I start staying out until 11:00?” If they respond with, “No, 11:00 is too late, but you are getting older and we are okay with you staying out until 10:00,” accept that answer and count it as a success.
5
Find coping mechanisms. If you experience a lot of conflict despite your efforts to communicate well, you may need another outlet to help you deal with the stress. Find something that you like to do, such as journaling or listening to music, and allow yourself time each day to relax by doing it. You should also make it a point to take deep, slow breaths when you are upset or stressed.
6
Create a support system. Having friends or other family members to turn to when things are tense with your parents is a must. You should identify people that you trust, and talk to them when you are feeling overwhelmed. A broader support system is best; that way you can choose which person to talk to about any given issue.^{[14]
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- You might confide in one of your grandparents when you have a disagreement with your mom or dad. If this is the case, you can often just ask for their opinion on the situation by starting off with something like “Dad and I disagree on curfew. Do you think that 11:00 is too late, or should I try to get him to reconsider?” Having this extra input can help you rationalize how you feel about the disagreement.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you solve issues with your parents?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

In order to resolve conflict, both parties have to be willing to take turns and hear each other's perspectives.

Warnings

You may not get exactly what you want.

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You will likely get in trouble if you let the conversation escalate to an argument.

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