How to Deal With a Guy Who Has an Unwanted Crush on You

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan

Last Updated: November 24, 2021 References

Crushes are great, except when you’re on the receiving end and don’t want to be. Turning someone down creates stress, awkwardness, and potential bad feelings. However, it’s important to decline if that’s what you want to do, instead of dating someone just to be nice. Whether you’re turning down a friend, co-worker, or someone you really don’t know, you can keep your integrity while still upholding your values by following a few practical tips.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Turning Down a Friend

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Give a simple reason. Your friend asked you out on a date, but you don’t want to join him. Instead of lying and potentially getting caught in that lie, just give him a quick reason why you can’t. Choose something that doesn’t allow room for interpretation.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Just a simple explanation will suffice.
- For instance, when he asks if you will go to the movies with him, just say, “Sorry, I’m busy,” and leave it at that. Eventually, he will get the message.^{[2]
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2
Prepare yourself for awkwardness. No one likes to be rejected. Unfortunately, the rejection can hurt even worse when it comes from a friend with whom you want to take things further. The truth is the situation is going to be awkward no matter what. You’ll just need to accept it and hope things return to normal.
- Bring up the weird feelings to your friend. You could say, “I hate that things are awkward between us right now. I really don’t want you to feel weird around me and I hope we can get back to how we used to be.” Saying this lets him know you are aware of the awkwardness and that you want to retain the friendship.^{[3]
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  Erika Kaplan
  Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Now the rest is up to him.^{[4]
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3
Talk it out. You owe it to your friend to be upfront about your feelings.^{[5]
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Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Simply tell him you’re not interested, but do it in a kind way, especially if you want to keep the friendship intact.^{[6]
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Michele Fields
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.} He may not be able to only be friends with you, but you’ll feel better knowing that at least you tried.
- You could say, “I’m flattered you feel like that, but I don’t want to risk hurting our friendship. You mean so much to me that it would break my heart if we broke up and then weren’t friends anymore. I think that’s how we need to keep it: just friends.”^{[7]
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4
Be firm. Because of your relationship, you will likely see and talk to each other frequently. Therefore, it is even more important that you draw a clear line in the sand.^{[8]
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Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Let your non-feelings be known so that he doesn’t continue to ask or try to pressure you into a relationship.
- You can say, “Now that we’ve talked about it, I don’t want to discuss it anymore. I think it’s best if we just close this topic for good.”^{[9]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Rejecting a Co-Worker

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Refer back to your ethics. Tell him it’s not something you do. Workplace relationships are always a bad idea. What may seem fun at first can turn into something terrible if you break up. Let him know that workplace relationships are not something you engage in.
- Simply tell him, “Nothing personal, but I don’t date people I work with.” If he persists, tell him again that you don’t date co-workers. Then, leave it at that.^{[10]
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Bring up jeopardizing your job. Let him know that getting into a relationship outside of work could jeopardize your careers. This is particularly the case when there are rules at your job against dating co-workers. Let him know clearly that you can’t go out on a date because it could mess up a career or job that you’ve worked hard for and that you need.
- You could say to him, “I appreciate your honesty, but I prefer to keep things between us professional. I don’t want to cross the line and jeopardize our work, so I’m going to have to say no.”^{[11]
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3
Take the blame. Avoid telling them why you are declining if it is something you don’t like about them. Instead, put all of the blame on you. This will likely make working with them and seeing them easier.
- For instance, go along the lines of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Let him know you think he’s great, but dating someone you work with just isn’t something you’re interested in.^{[12]
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Talk to a supervisor. You may be wary of making trouble at your workplace, but you have a right to work in an environment where you don't feel harassed. If the guy keeps bothering you, take the issue to a supervisor.^{[13]
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- You might say, "Justin keeps pressuring me to go out with him. At first, I didn't think it was a big deal, but it's gotten to a level where I feel uncomfortable working with him. I don't know what to do. Can you help?"

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Saying No to a Stranger

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Suggest you become friends. You’ve seen him at the coffee shop or gym a few times. You’ve exchanged a smile here and there, but that’s about it. Now, he asks for your number. If you aren’t interested, you’ll need to let him know.
- You can say, “I’d like to get to know you more as a person, so why don’t we become friends?” You’ll see his true colors if he gets defensive and nasty. If he’s willing to build a friendship first, you may want to see what the future holds.^{[14]
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Be honest.^{[15]
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Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} There’s nothing wrong with telling a person you don’t have much interaction with why you’re not interested. You likely have a valid reason. If they can’t accept it, at least you may not have to see them much again.
- For example, you could say that you’re just getting out of a relationship and aren’t interested in finding a new one, if that is the case. You could also tell him you’re just not into him that way. Additionally, a “no, thank you” also works.^{[16]
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Stay kind. Treat him the way that you would want to be treated if you were in his shoes.^{[17]
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Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Avoid saying something like, “ew, no way” or “not a chance.” Instead, decline gracefully. Remember, it took a lot of guts for him to put himself out there. Respect that when you’re turning him down.
- You could say, “Wow, I’m flattered, but I can’t.” Letting him know that you appreciate him telling you how he feels could soften the blow.^{[18]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What is the best way to kindly reject a friend who has feelings for you?

Michele Fields
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Michele Fields is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Owner of Bon Jour Matchmaking based in Denver, Colorado. With over thirty years of experience, she specializes in helping others meet people and navigate dating and relationships. Michele has created over 300 marriages and has been featured on Denver ABC News, The Rocky Mountain News, Colorado 2 News, Denver Westworld, and The Denver Post.

Michele Fields

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

As always, the best way out of this situation is to be honest. Make it clear that you only see the guy as a friend and let him down gently.
Question

How do you let a guy know you're not interested?

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Matchmaker

Expert Answer

There's a way to be subtle without hurting people's feelings. So, make sure that you're not sending mixed signals by holding their hand or touching them on the shoulder playfully, or anything like that.
Question

Can I turn him down and still be friends?

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Sure you can! Make sure that you feel that the relationship reads as strictly platonic and, if necessary, make it clear by saying something like "I'm so happy to have you as a friend in my life. You mean a lot to me!"