How to Deal With Drama Queens or Kings

Last Updated: December 23, 2022 Approved

Drama queens and kings will show up all throughout your life, from grade school to your workplace as an adult. While dealing with these people might feel tedious and exhausting, there are ways to handle your interactions with them to help yourself feel less overwhelmed by their emotional outbursts.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Understanding the Source of the Drama

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Understand that this person may have genuine mental health issues. Some people who are chronically dramatic, even over the smallest things, may actually suffer from a personality or mood disorder. This is usually a more extreme case, and is more likely when the severely dramatic behavior shows up in all aspects of their life.^{[1]
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- Some dramatic people may have personality disorders or mood disorders in which they tend to over exaggerate problems and are prone to attention-seeking behaviors.^{[2]
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- Even if the dramatic person you’re dealing with does suffer from a mental health problem, remember that it’s still not your job or responsibility to fix or cure them. If the drama seems to be a real, critical problem, you might suggest that they seek therapy or counseling.
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Remember that the drama might stem from childhood issues. Some people who grow up to become drama queens and kings suffered from some kind of neglect as a child. These people may have had parents who ignored them, or brushed off their problems. In turn, they resorted to acting out or behaving dramatically just to get the attention they craved.^{[3]
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- There is even a link to other types of childhood trauma, including things like surviving a natural disaster or dealing with abuse. These things could also ultimately lead to a young person or adult who seeks attention through acting out or behaving dramatically.
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Keep in mind that the person likely just wants attention. The primary goal of drama queens and kings is to get attention. By blowing small problems out of proportion and over exaggerating their feelings and emotions, the person is hoping to pull other people in and receive attention, sympathy, or pity. It’s your choice, in the end, if you choose to give in and give them attention, or to walk away and not let them affect you.^{[4]
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- You might even notice that these drama kings and queens don’t seem to care about your input, unless you’re validating them or encouraging their behavior. Giving the person genuine advice, urging them to calm down, or insisting the problem isn’t that big might just result in them getting more upset.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Resisting the Urge to Engage with the Drama

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Refuse to participate in the drama. The dramatic person wants attention, and by participating in whatever crisis they're attempting to drag you into, you’re feeding that need. If you resist this, and refuse to engage with them, you can short-circuit the whole situation and possibly defuse the drama.
- If the dramatic person starts up, simply tell them outright that you won’t be putting up with it. You can do so firmly without also being rude or harsh. Say something like, “Listen, I know you’re upset, but I really can’t get involved.”
- Instead, give the person the attention and validation they are seeking only when they are engaging in more positive behavior (i.e. talking about positive topics, asking about others, etc.). Do not provide any attention, reaction, validation, or interest in drama-related topics (i.e. complaining, gossip, negative self-talk, etc.).
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Steer the conversation away from the drama. If this is a classmate or a co-worker that you can’t get away from, the next best thing you can do is try to divert their attention. If they are upset and being dramatic, try to shift their attention and energy to something else. Suggest something else you can talk about or focus on. You can try to turn the problem they are having back on them, rather than allowing them to blame you or put the burden on you.^{[5]
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- Even if the dramatic person is having a fit, you can still avoid engaging with them by simply changing the subject. Say something like, “I’m sorry you’re upset. Did you want to go get some lunch?” That way, you’ve acknowledged them, but not allowed the issue to go any further.
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Put some distance between you and the dramatic person or people. Physically remove yourself from the situation, if you can. Leave, walk away, or go to another room. If you can’t leave or walk away, put some emotional distance between you and the dramatic person instead. Disconnect yourself from the problems they are causing, and focus on something else.
- Excusing yourself politely is one way to leave them to their own issues. Say something like, “I really wish I could help, but I have an appointment.” Or, you could be direct with them and say, “I wish I could help, but I need a little space right now.”^{[6]
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Redirect the person's focus away from how they feel. If the person is throwing a fit about something, get them to talk about the actual thing that’s upsetting them, rather than just about how it’s making them feel. This will help them keep from spiraling into an emotional rampage. Ask them to tell you exactly what happened, and focus on that.^{[7]
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- Use simple questions to keep them on track. Ask something like, “What do you think you could do about this to make it better?”
- Redirecting their focus away from their emotions is a good way to keep from engaging with their dramatics. Instead, you’re urging them to approach things from a more level-headed and less dramatic perspective.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Establishing Boundaries with the Dramatic Person

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Remember that you aren’t obligated to carry their emotional burdens. You might feel the need to “fix” or help them, but it’s not your problem or responsibility. These people thrive on attention and others feeling pity for them. You won’t be able to change the person, so don’t make it your problem to do so.
- It’s important to remember to let these kinds of people figure themselves out on their own. They will have to come to their own understanding of their problems and how to solve them, and you can’t be held responsible for the outcome.
- That said, if you want to help them cope with the situation, try expressing interest in having that conversation to get a gauge for their willingness to even have any kind of conversation surrounding behaviors. Listen carefully and then try to present a team attitude towards a solution.
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Limit your time with them. Dealing with a dramatic person can be extremely exhausting, especially if you give them a lot of time, focus, and energy. Even if the person is a friend, don’t be afraid to limit the time you’re willing to spend dealing with their problems. Setting this kind of boundary is important for you and your own sanity, but also for the other person to become more self-reliant.^{[8]
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- If the dramatic person begins to have a meltdown or outburst, say something like, “I only have a few minutes, so try and tell me the facts.” This will hopefully redirect their emotions and also limit the amount of time you’ll be engaged with the issue.
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Let them know you don’t want to be involved. Sometimes, the best way to handle a dramatic person is to tell them outright that you aren’t interested in dealing with drama. It might seem harsh, but it’s a quick and painless way to get right to the point and avoid the issue altogether.
- You have to think of your own best interests, and dealing with dramatic people can be emotionally draining and stressful. It’s not a bad thing to need to step away from a person who stresses you out, and it’s okay to tell them exactly why you’re walking away.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you handle conflict with dramatic siblings?

Fernando Campos
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.

Fernando Campos

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Politely express your interest in having a conversation about the conflict between you both. Listening to their perspective first will lead to a better conversation—plus, it will let you set an example for how you want to be listened to. Once they're done sharing, you can say something like "Hey, I understand your perspective. Would you be comfortable with me sharing my perspective so that we can come to a solution together?" Emphasize the essence of teamwork in resolving the conflict rather than making it a "me vs. you" battle.

Warnings

If the person threatens to harm themselves or others, contact the police, even if you think they’re bluffing.

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