How to Cope if Your Spouse Comes Out As Transgender

Last Updated: December 23, 2022 References

Gender Incongruence is a clinical term for someone born the wrong sex.^{[1]
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Research source} Often, people who are transgender wish to live as another gender and not the one they were biologically assigned. If your spouse comes out as transgender, you’ll likely feel shocked, confused, and perhaps even betrayed. Knowing how to move forward can be difficult, and you’ll likely have more follow-up discussions. Allow yourself to express your feelings and think things over. Reach out for support by joining a support group or attending therapy.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking with Your Spouse

1
Respect their words and actions. It’s not up to you whether your spouse is transgender or not. Your spouse has taken a big step by disclosing this important part of their identity to you. Instead of arguing with them or telling your opinions, respect what they say and accept it as truth.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} Whether you agree with their actions or not does not mean your opinion will change anything. Listen intently to what they say and resist the urge to jump in or respond right away.
- Your spouse wants to be heard and understood, not argued with. Do your best to listen and accept what they say.
- Ask for time to digest the information, if you need it.
- Also, if you are feeling anger, make sure to express that your anger is not directed toward them but rather your emotion is about the situation you now find yourself in.
- Say, “This is a lot to take in, but I respect what you’re saying, even though I’m struggling to understand.”
2
Talk about their decisions. Some transgender people seek hormonal or surgical procedures to better align with their gender identity, while others decide not to take these steps. Ask your spouse how they want to express themselves. Having more information about their needs and desires can help you understand what they want and how they want to express themselves.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.}
- Ask your spouse, “Have you given any thought to how you’d like to start expressing your gender?”
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3
Ask some questions. You might feel confused and have lots of questions. Ask your spouse about your questions or do some internet research. If you’re too shocked or surprised when your spouse initially comes out, spend a few days or weeks writing a list of questions you’d like answered. If you’re unfamiliar with terms such as transgender, spend some time educating yourself and better understanding what they mean.
- Joining an online community or doing an internet search can help to answer your specific questions.
- This may also be a good time to reach out to a counselor who specializes in gender identity issues. This person can be an objective resource to answer your questions and provide guidance.
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Follow-up on discussions. It’s unlikely you’ll have a clear understanding of what your spouse wants and how it will affect you when they first disclose. Make a point to talk about it further, even if it’s uncomfortable. You may need to evaluate your relationship, discuss what to tell your children, and decide how to announce things to friends and family.
- Talk about these decisions together, especially because they affect both of you.
- Say, “Let’s keep discussing this. I know I’ll have more questions and I want to keep our communication open.” Make sure that you discuss how you will do this. Will you have a weekly meeting? Will you ask questions as they come up? Is it more constructive to communicate in person or electronically?

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Expressing Your Thoughts and Feelings

1
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. You might feel surprised, angry, hurt, disappointed, shocked, or any number of emotions when your spouse comes out as transgender. Whatever you feel, it’s okay to express that emotion. Sit with your own feelings. You might feel confused between feeling hurt or angry and wanting to support your spouse. Give yourself some time to sort through your emotions.^{[4]
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Research source}
- Consider writing down your feelings and thoughts in a journal. You can also paint, draw, go on a walk, or listen to music as a way to work through your feelings.
2
Accept the situation. Practice radical acceptance by acknowledging that this is part of your reality. If you find yourself saying, “Why me?” or, “It shouldn’t be this way!” take a deep breath and recognize that this is your current reality. Feeling bad for yourself or living in denial tends to increase negative feelings, but it is normal to feel this way and you will need to acknowledge these feelings to move forward.
- Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you’re approving or in favor of something, it means that you can acknowledge it without pretending it doesn’t exist or that it doesn’t affect you. While the experience may be painful, it doesn’t mean you have to suffer.
- Say to yourself, “This is difficult to understand, but I will not run from the situation. I know I can get through the difficulty of this.”
3
Stay present. Your mind might race to the future and what will happen to you, to your children, and to your spouse. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by big news and how it might affect your life. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of the future, stay present. Keep your thoughts here and now.^{[5]
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Research source}
- One way to return to the present is by using your breath. Focus on your breathing by counting your inhales and exhales, remembering that your breath connects you to the present moment.
- Try using mental grounding exercises as well. For example, you can do things like saying your name, where you are, and what you are doing. Or, try making a cup of tea and feeling the warm cup in your hands.^{[6]
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  Research source}
4
Be flexible. If you’re feeling confused about your own feelings and you don’t know how to respond to your spouse, be willing to embrace the possibilities. You don’t need to decide right now whether to support your spouse or separate. When your spouse comes out, take that critical time and be open to what may or may not happen without shutting any possibilities out.
5
Give gratitude. If you're overwhelmed with feelings of worry and stress, stop and take a moment of gratitude. You might feel like your whole world has been turned upside down, and you can only focus on your spouse coming out as transgender. Take a moment and express some gratitude. Say what you are grateful for out loud to yourself or others, write it down, and read it back to yourself. As many ways as you can make your brain process your gratitude, the better. You can appreciate the things that you value or find meaningful, whether it be your kids, sunshine, the laundry being done, or takeout.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Finds things to think positively about and be grateful for to keep some sense of positivity, even if things feel like they’re crashing down on you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Getting Support

1
Utilize your support network. Whether you talk to friends or family members, reach out to those closest to you. You may want to talk about your spouse coming out or your reactions to the news. Even if your friends cannot change or solve anything, it can be helpful to share your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. Talk to someone who makes you feel understood.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- Because this is a sensitive topic, be careful about who you decide to confide in. Choose someone who will be supportive and understanding, not someone who will judge or lecture.
- Have coffee with a friend or reach out to a colleague.
- Say, “This is a difficult time for me and my family, and I’d appreciate your support.”
2
Join a support community.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} You might feel uncomfortable talking to close friends or family about your experience, so consider joining a support group. A support group can help you recognize that you are not the only one going through this and that other people are having a similar experience as you. You can ask for advice and support, hear other people’s stories, and learn from people in various stages of their spouse coming out.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- Join a community support group or search for a group online. Whether people are near or far, it can be comforting to know other people who have ‘been there’ or are going through what you are going through.
3
Get therapy. If you’re having a hard time adjusting to the news and need some support, a therapist can help you cope. Therapy is a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Your therapist can help you learn and practice coping skills. They can also help you know how to communicate more effectively with your spouse during this time.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.}
- It’s important to take care of your needs and care for yourself. If you feel like you need to understand your feelings better, a therapist can help.
4
Go to couples’ counseling. If you’re unsure of how to move forward with your spouse, consider seeing a couples’ therapist. It might be easier for you to discuss the changes and the way you feel in therapy instead of at home. Your therapist can help each of you to communicate the way you feel and your wants and needs to each other. If one or both of you is avoidant of discussing changes, therapy can help create safety around talking about things that are uncomfortable.^{[12]
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Research source}
- Whatever choices you make as a couple, therapy can help facilitate those changes and help each of you to cope.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you say when someone is transitioning?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

There are no rules when it comes to this, so how you communicate with a person that is transitioning is going to be unique to your relationship with them. In general, it's a good idea to be supportive, loving, and encouraging. Treat them the same way you normally would, but be sure to use their preferred pronouns and name.
Question

Is there a difference between gender identity and gender expression?

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

Inge Hansen, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Gender identity is our internal experience and naming of gender, while our gender expression is how we present our gender through clothing, behavior, personal appearance and other characteristics. Both of these are separate from sex, which has to do with anatomy and chromosomes.
Question

How are support groups beneficial?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

You'll hear stories from other people who've been in a similar situation, so you will likely feel less alone. Additionally, you can get advice and insight from others, some of whom have been coping for longer than you have.