How to Control Abusive Language

Co-authored by Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP

Last Updated: October 3, 2021

Letting forth a rant of abusive language towards others is often a defense mechanism, that comes out when you're at the end of your tether and feel that things aren't going your way. While it may feel like a cathartic coping mechanism, it's an approach that's liable to cause others to lose respect for you, leading them to dismiss your real concerns. Being negative through language is something that you can learn to control, so that you can find the right words to get others to understand your point of view clearly and without anger.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Creating Good Habits

1
Pay attention to difficult days and bad moods. Hard times will happen, and they will stink. Noticing things like "I'm high-strung today" or "I'm stressed out today" is useful, because you can focus on dealing with your difficult emotions.
- Try to figure out why you're being this way, and what the trigger is that has set you off.^{[1]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist
  Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
- Recognize that stress may impact your urge to use abusive language. When you're getting overwhelmed, you may feel the urge to lash out as a way to relieve tension and inner turmoil.
2
Practice noticing and labeling your emotions. It can be helpful to recognize things like "I'm stressed," "I'm frustrated," or "I'm on edge." This can help you validate and process your own emotions, and make thoughtful decisions on how to handle them.
- Make a habit of mentally asking yourself "How am I feeling?"
- Reflect on what makes you feel that way. Try to ask yourself “What is creating this anger inside of me?” ^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist
  Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
- Allow yourself to experience different emotions, even if they're difficult or unpleasant. Bottling it up will only increase the risk of an explosion, while finding a healthy outlet can help you cope, then move forward.
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3
Empathize with other people, and be forgiving. You don't know if they're having a hard time, if they didn't intend to do something, or if a particular thing is especially difficult for them. Ask yourself questions such as...
- How might this person be feeling right now?
- Could this person be having a hard time with something I don't know about?
- Is it possible that this was an honest mistake, and they didn't mean to upset me?
- Is it possible that they're doing their best in a tough situation?
4
Look into counseling. Anger management or therapy may be helpful in learning to recognize your triggers, avoid lashing out, and change your life for the better. A counselor can help you learn better ways to manage your difficult feelings, and communicate when you are upset with someone.
5
Talk to your loved ones about what you're trying to do. They have probably noticed your temper, and it may have hurt them in the past. Talking about what you're doing, and affirming that you care about them, can help them recognize that you want to change.
- For example, "I know I've been temperamental lately, and that it's negatively impacted you. I'm trying to do a better job curbing my temper. I'm working on taking breaks, instead of lashing out, and I'm also talking to a counselor for advice. Please be patient with me while I'm working on this, and feel free to tell me to stop or take a break if I'm getting wound up. I want to be a better listener and a better friend."

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Handling Explosive Situations

1
Get out of there. When your fight-flight-or-freeze mechanism is activated, it can be difficult to think straight and control yourself. This is normal. Instead of staying and worsening the situation, take a break. It is absolutely okay to leave if you don't know how to handle a situation.
- Say "I need to go" or "I need some air."
- If someone tries to protest or follow you, say "I really need to be alone."
- If you want, explain "I'm having a hard time controlling my anger so I need a break."
2
Stay away until you feel level-headed. It may take some time to calm down, and that's okay. Allow yourself time to process your anger or other difficult emotions.
- Take a walk or jog, or play sports.
- Write in a journal, or on a random piece of paper.
- Write down all the negative things you feel the urge to say. Then scribble on the paper, rip it up, and recycle it. (Destroy the words beyond recognition so that other people do not read it and then think that you really mean those things.)
3
Use non-accusatory language when you come back. Once you are calm, you can express yourself using "I" statements and nonviolent communication.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} This focuses on your feelings and what happened, instead of telling them off.
- Instead of "you're so stupid," say "I'm frustrated that you forgot."
- Instead of "I can't believe you, you heartless witch," say "I feel betrayed that you told him that after I asked you to keep it private."
- Instead of "why can't you do anything right?" say "I recognize this was an honest mistake. Can I show you how to do it properly in the future?"
- Instead of "you're worthless and I never want to see you again," say "I'm really upset that you crossed my boundaries and I'm not sure that I want to continue this friendship."
4
Apologize if you mess up. Breaking old habits takes time and practice, and occasionally you may slip up and treat someone else badly. If this happens, take the time to sincerely apologize.
- For example, "I'm sorry that I yelled at you. I lost my temper. I should have taken a break and come back, but instead I shouted, and that was a big mistake. I care about you and don't ever want to frighten you."

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do I get angry so easily?

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist
Dr. Nicole Lippman-Barile is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP) who practices in New York. As a psychologist, she specializes in treating anxiety and mood disorders, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and related compulsive disorders. As a nutritional therapist, Dr. Lippman-Barile specializes in treating blood sugar dysregulation, digestive health, and mood disorders related to food. She holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Hofstra University and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner Certification from the Nutritional Therapy Association.

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP

Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist

Expert Answer

Anger is a very powerful emotion, and we tend to be more reactive and impulsive because of it. Try to understand what makes you feel this way and work to be more conscious in the future, as only you can know what are your triggers.
Question

How do I stop reacting immediately with anger?

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist
Dr. Nicole Lippman-Barile is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP) who practices in New York. As a psychologist, she specializes in treating anxiety and mood disorders, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and related compulsive disorders. As a nutritional therapist, Dr. Lippman-Barile specializes in treating blood sugar dysregulation, digestive health, and mood disorders related to food. She holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Hofstra University and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner Certification from the Nutritional Therapy Association.

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP

Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist

Expert Answer

That is not something easy to accomplish. You'll need a really good motivation as to why this would benefit you and your relationships. When you're not angry, try to think about how you could express something in a healthier way, so the other person become less defensive. This, in turn, will lead to better resolutions for your problems.