How to Confront a Cheating Parent

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: January 19, 2022 References

If you just found out that one of your parents is cheating, it might feel like your world has been turned upside down. For ideas on how to cope with this upsetting news and confront your unfaithful parent about your concerns, read on.

1

Ask yourself what your goal is.

Confrontation is easier if you know what you want from it. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, hurt, or confused if you know your parent is cheating. But you don’t want to confront them if it’s just to punish or yell at them. Reacting because you're mad or want justice will only strain your relationship.^{[1]
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Research source} What do you want out of confronting them? If you can figure out what your motivation is, it’ll be easier to move forward with the conversation.^{[2]
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- For instance, maybe you have a good relationship with your parent, and you want to understand why they cheated. Or maybe you’re hurt by this and want to let them know.
- Unfortunately, you can’t get your parent to stop cheating or fix your parents’ relationship. Only your parents can decide to do that.^{[3]
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2

Plan around their possible reactions.

Everyone responds to confrontations differently. Your parent’s reaction will influence how the confrontation goes, and they may not give you a straightforward answer. Consider how they react to conflict or stress: do they get angry, give guilt-trips, try to dodge questions, or dismiss what you’re saying? Think ahead so you can avoid or respond to these problems when they come up.^{[4]
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- For instance, if your mother usually gets out of difficult discussions by claiming she’s busy, you might wait for her day off and look for a quiet moment.
- Keep your physical and emotional well-being in mind. If your parent lashes out or gets violent during confrontations, consider talking over a phone or video call, so you don’t put yourself at risk.

3

Find time to talk one-on-one.

It’s easier to talk about tough subjects privately. Once you’ve figured out what you want from the discussion, find a time to talk to your parent alone, without distractions. This could be during a walk or drive, while watching TV, or another quiet time where it’s just the two of you.^{[5]
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- If your parent never seems available, schedule a time to talk. You could say, “I want to talk to you about something important. What time would be best?”^{[6]
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- It’s not a good idea to confront your parents together. It risks starting a fight, and you could hurt your relationship with both of your parents. Stick to a one-to-one discussion.^{[7]
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4

Mention that the discussion will be difficult.

Warning your parent gives them a chance to prepare. When you bring up the affair, your parent might react in a way you didn't expect. They might keep a level head and stay open, but they could also feel "caught" and get upset, go on the defensive, or shut down.^{[8]
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Research source} Unfortunately, there’s no guaranteed way to prevent a bad reaction; it is a painful topic. However, it can help to warn them upfront that the conversation will be a hard one, or share that you’re worried about their reaction.^{[9]
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- “There’s something important I want to talk to you about, but it's going to be hard for you to hear.”
- “This is really sensitive, and I'm nervous because I don't know how you're going to react. Please just listen to me, okay?”

5

Share the facts.

It helps to be straightforward about what you know. Even if your parent suspects you know they’re cheating, start off with what you’ve seen or heard. Don’t give them an exaggerated or emotionally-charged version of the story, though; keep focused on the facts, and don’t add your feelings or opinions yet.^{[10]
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- “When I was trying to fix your phone, someone named “Mel” texted you a skimpy photo and asked if you were ready for the weekend.”
- “I was out with my friends the other day and saw you kissing another man.”

6

Share your feelings with "I" statements.

It’s okay to tell your parent that you’re upset. An affair can shatter what you thought your family looked like, and you might be feeling a whirlwind of emotions about all of it. While you don’t want your emotions to overpower the discussion, it can help to express your feelings to your parent using “I” language: “I feel ____, because ____.”^{[11]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
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Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- For instance: “You’re such a big role model to me, so I’m really hurt by the fact that you’re cheating on Dad. I feel like I can’t trust you, because I feel lied to, and that’s not the kind of relationship with you that I want.”
- Don’t use “you” language, like “Do you even care about us?” or “You lied to me”. These will sound like accusations, which will put your parent on the defensive during an already-tough conversation.^{[12]
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7

Listen to your parent’s perspective.

Your parent may want to be heard, too. Cheating is an emotional topic, and your parent might want to explain or justify themselves. Even if you’re angry or upset, listen to what they’re telling you, without interrupting or cutting them off. Just as you wanted them to listen to you, they may want you to understand their perspective, too.^{[13]
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- Be prepared: your parent could say some incredibly painful things, and it might completely change the way you see your family. It won’t be an easy conversation.^{[14]
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- Some parents will just deny the affair or refuse to answer questions. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything you can do to change that.

8

Stay calm.

It’s important to keep your cool in serious discussions. It’s okay to be upset or angry at your parent, and it can be hard not to yell or cry. But if you start shouting, bawling, or hurling insults or profanity, the confrontation might escalate - or your parent might just refuse to continue talking. Try to keep a level head, even though you’re upset.^{[15]
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- If you feel yourself getting worked up, stop and take a few deep breaths to calm down. You don’t have to respond instantly.

9

Set boundaries around your involvement.

You don't need to be dragged into your parents' relationship troubles. Their relationships might be complicated and messy, but that doesn’t mean you have to shoulder their frustrations, take sides, or be their middle-man.^{[16]
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Research source} If your parent is doing something that’s hurting your emotional health or your relationship with your other parent, set boundaries with them by clearly telling them what you're not okay with. Reinforce these boundaries every time you need to.^{[17]
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- “I know you want to explain yourself, but please don't tell me why you thought it was okay to cheat on Mom. This is really painful for me.”
- “Please don’t talk badly about Dad to me. I know you’re angry with him, but he’s still my dad, and it makes me uncomfortable to hear you say things like that.”
- “I am not going to tell Liza about your affair for you. You need to talk to her directly.”

10

Walk away if it gets heated.

A hurtful or angry discussion isn’t productive. You don’t need to continue talking about the affair if one or both of you is too upset to act rationally. Take a break from the discussion, or end it entirely if your parent starts becoming physically or verbally aggressive.^{[18]
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- “I hear what you said, but that really stung. Can we come back to this in 15 minutes?”
- “I can tell we’re both really angry, and shouting isn’t constructive. Let’s discuss this tomorrow.”
- “I appreciate that you were willing to listen to my question, but I won’t tolerate being sworn at. I’m hanging up now. I’ll talk to you on Monday.”

11

Lean on others for support.

It can be incredibly difficult to cope with a parent’s affair. You might feel numb, intensely emotional, or just feel like your world is flipped onto its head. It can be even harder if you normally turn to your family for support, because you might feel like you have nobody. When you’re going through this, reach out to friends, mentors, teachers, or other people you trust. It’s a rough experience, but you don’t have to go it alone.^{[19]
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- It can help to see a counselor to work through your feelings, too, especially if your feelings are influencing your romantic relationships.^{[20]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I get a cheater to admit it?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

It depends on their disposition and personality. Confronting someone with a harsher energy may get one person to tell the truth, while it may just totally shut someone else down and cause them to go on the defensive. It just entirely depends on the other person.

Warnings

Don’t go through your parent’s phone or computer to find “proof” of an affair. It’s one thing if you saw a text or email by accident, but if you’re snooping, your parent may get mad at you for invading their privacy.^{[22]
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Don’t use the affair as a weapon or bartering chip. For instance, don’t threaten to tell your other parent. You’ll just strain your relationship.^{[23]
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Be cautious about telling your other parent about the affair. Even if you feel like they deserve to know, it’s possible that they’d get upset with you for telling them, or that they’re already aware.^{[24]
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