How to Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: December 14, 2022

When someone has hurt us, we will carry that pain until we can find a way to forgive the other person. We may think we are retaliating for wrongs done to us if we refused to forgive, but holding that grudge hurts us far more than the other person. Forgiveness is a process, though, and not an easy one. An important step toward forgiveness can be to confront someone who's hurt you. This is never easy—and there's no guarantee confrontation will lead to restoration. But sometimes we need to take this step for our own healing.

In their excellent book Break Through: When to Give In, How to Push Back, Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle offer advice based on experience of counseling people in unhealthy, codependent relationships. “Confronting someone who has hurt us is a very difficult and threatening task. When we actually walk into the room and see the person's face, we may become confused, shut down emotionally, or become violently angry,” they write. Follow the steps below that Clinton and Springle recommend when confronting someone who has hurt you (this process comes from the pages of their book Break Through).

Steps

1
Be prepared. Write out what you want to say before you sit down with the person, so that you won't get taken off track, do it. Don't blame and don't use accusatory language, just state your feelings. Use “I feel …” statements, not “you did …” statements.^{[1]
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2
Pick one or two most important issues for first conversation. You don't have to resolve every argument you ever had with this person.^{[2]
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3
Set the agenda. Since you're the one who's called this meeting, you get to decide what topics will be discussed. Again, writing down what you want to talk about might help. Stay in control, stay calm, stick to your agenda, don't get pulled down rabbit trails. If the other person starts blaming you (and they likely will do so) just acknowledge their feelings, which leads to the next point.^{[3]
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- When you are in control, you have an ability of being composed, attentive, and respectful. Don't show threatening or hostile behaviors.
4
Clarify what is said. While it may seem counter-intuitive, listen as much as you talk. When the person responds, repeat what they've said to make sure you understand. One of the most effective ways to confront someone is to “hold up a mirror” by repeating what he has said or describing what she has done. You might say, “This is what I hear you saying...” Repeat or rephrase what the person has just said to you. Quite often, they'll feel understood and gratified that someone else can articulate what they are feeling or thinking.^{[4]
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5
Stay in control. Don't get sucked into old patterns. Your job here is not to fix the other person or make them feel better. It is to have an honest conversation.^{[5]
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6
Accept appropriate responsibility. Own what is yours, but don't accept blame for what is not.^{[6]
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7
Don't expect instant repentance. Your freedom is not dependent on their apology, but on your own decision to confront and set boundaries. “More commonly, a person's first response is a fierce defensive reaction to being confronted,” Clinton and Springle write.^{[7]
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8
“Forgiving doesn't mean we have to give in to manipulation. It doesn't mean we have to blindly trust again. It doesn't mean the hurt is magically erased. Reconciliation is based on trust, and trust must be proven over time.”
- Forgiveness is not creating the justification for others to do wrong or to get away with deeds that are egregious. It is rather about allowing these events to be alleviated from your mind and body.
- Forgiveness leads to a healthier and happier life, and creates room for healthier communication.

Community Q&A

Question

How do I cope with my parents telling me to die because I told them that I was feeling suicidal?

Community Answer

This behavior from your parents is not okay! Tell another adult you trust about your feelings and your parents' response.
Question

My friend went to the beach for Easter break, and invited everybody in our group but me to go with her. What should I say to her?

Community Answer

Just tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't understand, she is not a true friend.
Question

I've heard from a relative that my closest cousin said that she hates me because I love Korea (I'm a big fan of K-pop). I want to confront her but I don't want things to get awkward. What do I do?

Community Answer

Don't let her hate you for what you love! You can have great relationships with other people, even if you are interested in different things than they are. Maybe you can show her just how great K-pop is, or even just ask her what she has against it. Don't get angry, try to have a calm conversation about it.