How to Compliment a Woman

Identify what they value in themselves. First, try to think about what the woman likes about herself. Try to go beyond noticing her clothes and makeup, because she might do that more for other people than herself. Try to think about something that she really cares about. For example, she might be really proud of her ability to play an instrument. Or maybe you know she strives to be a good mother someday and you see that she’s really good with kids. These are good things to compliment.

• For example, say something like, “You’re so loving and gentle with everyone, even when they make it really hard. That’s wonderful. I wish there were more people like you.”

Look for things she values in others. Think about how she talks about others. You’ve probably seen her compliment someone before or talk about someone or something that she admired. Look for key phrases like “I wish I...”, since this tells you very directly what she wants for herself. Now, think about when she’s shown that quality in her day to day life. Many women do at least occasionally show the qualities that they so admire but don’t think they have. By showing her that she can be the person she wants to be, you’ll earn a lot of points.

• For example, say something like, “I think it’s funny that you don’t think you’re smart like him. I mean, there’s no way I could have done that report last year without your help.”
• You can also say something like, “Don’t worry about being patient like Gina. You’re not only patient, you’re also very understanding. Just look at how you handled that whole thing with Frank!”

Think about what she works to improve. Look at the character faults and bad habits that you know she works really hard on to improve and then commend her when she achieves success. You might not want to directly mention that this is something she has to work really hard on, but complimenting her on the behavior when she does do it can be really uplifting. You know how hard it is to make yourself a better person!

• For example, say something like, “You really kept your head in that meeting. I admire that...I don’t think I could have,” after she stays cool (despite a history of sarcasm and defiance) while your boss is grilling everyone.

Go beyond beauty. Complimenting beauty is tricky. Many women do like to get compliments like this! However, it can have many negative consequences for both of you. She’s probably used to people telling her she’s beautiful to try to get what they want from her. It can also have long-term consequences, in that she might think you only like her because she’s pretty (which she will not always be, as she ages, creating self-doubt). Use compliments about her beauty sparingly and use them in a context where it really makes sense, like when you’re together for a special occasion.^[1]

• For example, say something like, “Andrea may be the bride but you’re the most beautiful woman in the room to me.”

Compliment something new. Complimenting something new about her will show her that you care enough to pay attention to her. Generally, it is not expected that men will notice things like a change in her hair or a new pair of earrings, so when you do you’re pretty much hitting a home run. Of course, this means that you’ll have to actually pay attention.^[2]

• For example, say something like, “I don’t really ‘get’ shoes but there’s something about those shoes that says you’re going to own this room today.”^[3]

Let compliments happen naturally. Compliments are far more meaningful when they’re natural — when you just speak exactly what you think as you’re thinking it, reacting to the specific situation that you’re in. This is because it communicates to her that you didn’t have time to plan it or that you weren’t pulling a stock compliment from some pickup artist website. It shows her that you’re honest. When you see her doing or saying something that you admire, just tell her that.^[4]

• Of course, this can be kind of dangerous. You’ll need to think about how this compliment would sound. Just take half a second and try to see the compliment from her point of view. Does it highlight that she’d previously been doing something wrong? Does it make her sound weak, dumb, or anything else really negative like that? Learning how to truly hold respect for her can help you not screw up in situations like this.

Be specific. Don’t just compliment something really generic about her (“Your hair looks nice”, “You have beautiful eyes”). Specificity is your friend, because it tells her that you’re not just pulling stock compliments so that you have a compliment to give her.^[5] Instead of those flops, say something like “Your eyes just make your whole face look so bright and happy” or “I love it when you put your hair up like that because I get to see so much more of your beautiful face”.

Make your compliment unique to her. Try to be creative when you compliment her. It’s nice to compliment things like hair and eyes, if done correctly as discussed above, but it’s still a compliment that gets taken out a lot. You’re not the first person to tell her she has nice hair, you know? Get creative with your compliments to really show her that she’s the one with your attention and that you’re not just trying to get any girl.^[6]

• Try compliments like “I love it when you talk because your voice sounds like home to me” or “You are so elegant, you remind me of Audrey Hepburn”.

Compliment things she controls. You want to compliment things that she has control over, since complimenting things she can’t control can lead to tension and self-doubt in the future. Imagine a woman who only ever received the compliment “You look beautiful”: she’ll be proud and happy at the time, but she’ll come to identify a big part of her worth as being “beautiful”. As she ages, she’ll be less traditionally beautiful and she might experience very bad self esteem. You don’t want that!

• Examples of things that she can control are: her education, her determination, her skills, her accomplishments, her personality, and her interactions.
• Examples of things that she cannot control are: her eyes, her skin color, anything relating to age, and her overall beauty.
• Besides, complimenting a woman on something she can’t control is like someone complimenting you on your neighbor’s new job. You didn’t really have anything to do with it, so it’s more difficult to be happy or flattered.

Don't make sexual comments to a woman you're not with. Don’t. Just don’t do it. There is zero chance that saying something like “Hey sexy girl, you wanna get with this?” is going to help your case. Even “classy” sexual comments aren’t good. Just avoid any compliment or comment that implies or states that you want to have sex with her, when she’s not your girlfriend. Women are in the unfortunate position of constantly having to question if the random guy that starts giving her sexual comments is just honestly trying his best or if he’s a potential rapist. Don’t leave that question open in her mind where you are concerned.

Seriously avoid cheesy compliments. Cheesy compliments can also easily sound cookie cutter and a lot like you’re trying too hard. This is because real cheesy compliments, which usually involve comparing her to a rose or a moon (for example), are insincere. They’re done for effect, not because they have anything to do with your specific lady.

• You might make cheesy compliments like “Your smile is like a summer day” passable, if the context is right and you really, honestly mean it. In general, avoid any compliment that sounds like it might have come out of a romance novel or a guy at a gross bar, though. It’s hard to make them work.

Watch out for demeaning language. You want to be careful about any compliments which work by putting others down. While these compliments can be very flattering to her, they’ll say something about your personality that you might not intend. When a woman hears compliments that work by putting other people down, especially people she cares about, she starts to think that you generally build yourself up by putting others down...and she’ll wonder if she’s next.

• For example, don’t say something like, “Don’t worry about Becky getting all the guys. I think you’re way prettier than her.”
• Instead say something like, “I know you think Becky gets all the guys but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You’ve got everything that a good guy is looking for...you just have to give yourself a chance to let all that shine through!”

Make her feel significant. No one wants to feel like just another drop in the ocean, and on a planet of a couple billion people, that’s not too hard. By giving her a compliment that makes her feel unique or significant in some way that makes her feel like she matters, then you’ll really warm her heart. This can actually be one of the most effective compliments. Of course, who she is will really have an effect on what you say, so you’ll really need to rack your brain on this one.^[7]

• For example, if she’s done a lot of volunteer work, say something like, “Have you ever heard of the whole Pay It Forward thing? You probably don’t give yourself enough credit for it, but every positive difference you make just radiates outward and creates more wonderful things in the world. I think what you’re doing is really incredible.”

Be careful when talking about weight. You might feel inclined to compliment a woman you know on her weight loss but this can be very tricky. Many women are sensitive about their weight (so are men!) and some women may have lost weight for bad reasons. For all you know, she might have cancer. You should only compliment her on her weight loss if you know it was an actual effort on her part. Now, for choosing the right words:

• Do NOT compliment her by comparing her to how she used to look (aka “You look so much better now!”).
• Be considerate of her feelings.
• Try to compliment the larger effect that the weight loss has had. This might take the form of “You look so healthy and energetic today” or something like “You seem so much happier and confident lately.”
• The best route is to compliment her actual effort at getting healthier. This is the thing she’s done that’s truly admirable. Go for something like, “You are my inspiration to make positive changes in my life too. I hope I can be as determined and committed as you!”

Don't feel like you have to compliment her to get somewhere. Yeah, you’re probably hoping that your compliment will have some positive outcome for you. A date, sex...even just a deeper connection. But it’s good for you to realize that sometimes, a compliment isn’t the best way to achieve what you’re wanting to achieve. In fact, polling has shown that only about half of women will even remotely be happy about the compliment you just gave her.^[8] Many women have really negative associations with particular kinds of compliments given in particular settings, because they have to deal with so much street harassment. Sometimes, any compliment may be the wrong thing to say to a girl (talking to a girl you don’t know on the subway comes to mind!). Honest conversation may get you further. Just talk to her like you’d talk to anyone else and let your great personality catch her eye instead of your words.

Save compliments. You don't want to overdo it with the compliments. Keep the compliments to a minimum and save them for the right moment, like the beginning of a date.^[9] You know that feeling you get where you think your heart might just burst from how wonderful she is? That’s a good time to compliment her. When she’s clearly beating herself up about something? That might be a good time to point out that she’s got stronger traits that are going to carry her through.

• The point of a compliment is to make her feel good; it’s not actually about earning you points. That means that compliments should be saved for times when it’s really important to make her feel good about herself.

Be completely genuine.^[10] Women can almost always tell when you’re not being genuine with your compliment. This is why things will often go wrong if you’re trying to compliment a girl you’ve never met: you don’t really know her so how can you know anything actually worth complimenting. Whatever you compliment her on, you have to really mean it. You have to honestly think that it’s a good thing. Your earnest belief will come across and, even if it’s a little cheesy, she’ll be really flattered.^[11]

• This is why we feel really good when kids give us a compliment. It might not always be worded in the perfect way and it might be complimenting something kind of weird, but kids haven’t learned how to flatter people to get what they want. When they compliment us, they mean it, and it’s extremely heartwarming, even if the delivery sucks.

Be respectful. Now, you might hear advice telling you that you’ll be more likely to score with a girl if you give her a compliment that insults her just a little bit, making her think that her only chance is with a guy like you (who “doesn’t care” about her “faults”). If this works with any girls at all, it will only work with women who have very low self-confidence. They are not the kind of women that you want to date. Instead, when you compliment her, be respectful.

• As a rule of thumb, don’t say anything to her that you wouldn’t say to your own mother or sister. If your mom would hit you on the head for saying that, then you probably shouldn’t say it to another women either.

Compliment her at the right time and place. Right after she gives an important presentation is a bad time to compliment your coworker on her dress; this tells her that all that hard work she just put in didn’t catch your notice and that all you can think about her is what she looks like (even if that’s not true). This is a good example of the principle behind choosing when you compliment a woman. Any compliment on any subject needs to be presented at a time where she won’t get the impression you just want something out of her (to a stranger on a train platform, to your wife when you climb in bed, to your coworker before you ask her to take on a project). You’ll also want to pay attention to the context. The wrong subject for the setting can kill a compliment, as in our example.