How to Calm a Teenager

Struggling with a teenager's emotional outbursts can feel overwhelming and stressful to you both. Your teenager is still emotionally maturing and may often feel overwhelmed by their emotions. You can help calm them down and re-center themselves by empathizing with them. Talk to them about their feelings and frustrations and try to understand where they are coming from. You can also help avoid fights with your teenager by deciding which issues are not worth battling over with your teen. Finally, you can make sure your teen is in good mental health by scheduling a doctor's appointment or counseling if necessary.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Empathizing with Their Frustration

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    Show empathy to your teenager. Listen to them and try to understand where they are coming from. Put yourself in their shoes. Use active listening techniques to help further your understanding and help your teenager better communicate their feelings.[1]
    • Reflect your teenager's feelings. Echo back to them what you hear them saying and feeling.
    • For example, if your teen is complaining about the amount of homework they have, you could say, “You sound really stressed out and overwhelmed by your responsibilities.”
    • If that is not how they feel, they'll usually correct you with their true feeling: “No, I just feel like I never have enough free time.” Either way, it helps build further understanding for you both.[2]
    • Ask open-ended questions. Generate more conversation with your teenager by asking questions that don't require a yes or no answer.
    • You could ask questions like, “How do you think you could solve that problem?” or “How did that make you feel?”[3]
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    Listen with an open mind. You probably want your teenager to talk more about their lives with you. If that's the case, you need to listen to them with an open mind. Foster open communication by allowing space for their perspective, ideas, and feelings.[4]
    • Keep your cool even if they are telling you about something you disapprove of.
    • For example, if your teenager reveals to you they got a body piercing, don't say something like, “How on earth could you do something like that?” or “That was a stupid decision!”
    • Losing your temper will shut your child down and make them less likely to communicate with you in the future.
    • Instead, you could say, “If you want to do something like that again in the future, please come talk to me first.”
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    Offer an alternative solution. If your teenager is telling you about a poor decision they made, help them understand why it was wrong. Help them think of what they could do if faced with a similar situation again. Support them and compliment them if they come up with alternate solutions to help them feel heard.
    • You could make some suggestions. For example, “If you feel that angry again, you could try excusing yourself for a few minutes and calming down, instead of hitting your sister.”
    • Ask your teenager to come up with a few ideas as to how they could deal with this problem next time.
    • Have them think of two or three ways to handle it, and have them share their solutions with you.[5]
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    Avoid name-calling or swearing. Role model the behavior you want to see your teen adopt. You may be angry at your teenager, do your best to remain calm and keep your behavior in check. Even if their language is inappropriate, do not respond in kind. Be the bigger person.
    • Do not allow them to be verbally abusive to you. Tell them you will talk to them again when they have calmed down.
    • You could say, “I know you are angry at me right now. You are allowed to express your anger, but I will not allow you to swear at me and call me names. We'll continue this conversation once I know I will not be attacked.”
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    Apologize if necessary. Your teenager may feel like they can trust you more if they know you will admit when you are wrong. Teens know that adults make mistakes, and they hate it when the adult won't acknowledge this.[6]
    • It does not make you lose authority if you apologize to your teenager.
    • Rather, it can help foster a more respectful relationship.
    • If your teenager understands that you will actually treat them respectfully and as an “equal,” they will be more likely to give you respect.
    • Apologizing also serves as a role modeling behavior and models accountability for your teenager.[7]
    • You could say, “I'm sorry that I lost my temper with you yesterday over you not mowing the lawn. I was disappointed that you broke your promise to me, but I shouldn't have overreacted like that. I hope you can accept my apology.”
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    Acknowledge adolescence isn't easy. Think about your own adolescence and remember that it probably wasn't easy for you. Realize that it is the same for your teenager. Teens have many stresses. Your kid is maturing into an adult and is dealing with pressures from school, homework, friends, popularity, dating, after-school activities, individuality, and hormones. It's a heavy load for him or her to carry.[8]
    • Even though you may think their complaints are silly, especially in comparison to adult concerns, they are very real for your child.
    • Remember that your teenager may be encountering these situations for the first time, and needs non-judgmental help to navigate them successfully.
    • If your teen seems receptive, talk about some of your own experiences as a teenager. It may help your teenager understand that they are not alone in their feelings.
    • For example, if your daughter is distraught after the breakup of a relationship that lasted less than a month, resist the urge to dismiss her sadness with, “Well, you weren't together very long, so get over it.”
    • Instead, you could tell her, “I remember how hard it was the first time I got dumped, too. I cried for days. Breakups are always hard, but when you're younger and don't have much experience with them, they're horrible. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.”
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    Encourage them to express their feelings. Talk to them about the benefit of expressing their emotions instead of keeping them in. Otherwise, they may feel resentful. They may also have more emotional outbursts or aggressive, acting-out behavior.
    • Let them know they can always come to you with a concern, but if they are not comfortable talking to you, encourage them to talk to a trustworthy friend or another valued adult in their lives.[9]
    • You could say, “I would hope that you always feel comfortable coming to me with any important problems, but I know you may not always want to. I know you are close with your soccer coach. If there's ever anything you don't want me to know, but perhaps need an adult's help, I hope you can talk to her or someone else like her.”
    • Encourage your teen to take up a hobby that allows them to express themselves creatively, such as music, art, or creative writing.
    • Try not to take away this outlet as punishment later. It could help them rebalance.
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    Remember your teenager still loves you and wants your approval. While it may not seem that way, your teenager does want you to be involved in their life, and they do want you to support them. Keep in mind that they will likely never show gratitude, and in many cases, may complain about your presence, but know that being there for them will make a positive impact.
    • Understand that teenagers are naturally emotional, and try not to take their outbursts personally.
    • Try to attend your child's athletic events or music performances at school. While they may not acknowledge it, it will matter to them that you showed up.
    • Commend your teenager for their grades, part-time job, kindness, or whatever trait they have that makes you proud of them.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Picking Your Battles

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    Decide what values you want to enforce. Your family, like most families, may have behaviors and actions you value. As your teen begins to push back against these values and your expectations, you may wish to decide which values you want to enforce above all others, and perhaps relax on your enforcement of other behaviors.
    • Write down a list of what you value most in your family.
    • It could be actions like being generous, showing kindness, living your faith, or being of service to others.
    • Decide which of these values you will demand your teen to uphold, and decide that you will be more flexible about others.
    • For example, you may decide to make “showing kindness” an enforced value, but perhaps could be more flexible on “living your faith,” letting your teen skip religious services now and again.
    • Tell your teen what you expect of them.
    • You could say, “In our house, we value family above everything else. I'm not going to let you off the hook for Sunday dinners with Grandma. I will negotiate with you on other expectations, but not on family activities.”
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    Let them take some responsibility. Give your teenager a certain amount of freedom to make their own decisions. They are rapidly approaching adulthood when they will need to hold themselves accountable, so give them the opportunity now to learn some skills under your watchful eye.
    • Consider giving your teenager more financial responsibility. They may have a part-time job, or perhaps you give them an allotted amount of spending money per week.
    • Teens enjoy being able to manage their own savings, and this is a great time for them to learn about managing money.
    • Don't interfere if you think they are making a stupid purchase–this is all part of learning about money.[10]
    • Let your teenager wear what they want, within reason and their school's dress code in order to let them express themselves.
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    Take a break. If your teenager is irate, any attempts to restrict or discipline them will only be counterproductive. Give him or her some time to cool off. If the situation calls for punishment, it can be dealt later.[11]
    • Calmly approach them and continue the discussion after a while, later in the day, after both of you have had time to calm down.
    • You could say, “Now that we've both had a chance to cool off, I want to talk to you about what you did.”
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    Give them space. Adolescence is about becoming independent from your parents and determining your identity as an individual. Make sure you are giving them the space they need to grow and figure themselves out, and alone time as necessary. While maintaining a solid connection is important, be sure not to smother them.
    • Be conscious of the importance of your teenager's social life right now.
    • Allow them time with their friends.
    • Be aware of who they are hanging out with and where, but give them more freedom if you believe they are trustworthy.[12]
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    Have reasonable expectations. Don't expect your teenager to behave like an adult all of the time. Even though they may look more grown up, they still have a growing brain. Understand they will make mistakes and will sometimes act like a much younger child. If your teenager is working hard, doing their best, and is a kind person, they are doing just fine.[13]
    • Don't compare the teen to others. They are likely already doing this all the time to themselves, they don't need someone else chiming in!
    • Don't say things like, “I wish you were more like Mary. She gets such good grades!”
    • Instead, you could say something like, “I'd like to see you put more effort in on your math homework.”
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Ensuring Your Teenager's Health

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    Recognize that your teenager's brain is still developing. Emotional outbursts are normal, due in part to the growing and developing brain. While an adolescent's brain is intellectually on par with an adult's, they lack the same emotional and impulse regulation management system that an adult brain has. This system is still maturing.[14]
    • Give your teenager some patience, as you understand that their brain, just like their brain as a baby and toddler, is still learning to regulate behavior.
    • The brain doesn't finish developing until the early twenties.[15]
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    Take your teenager to the doctor. If you are finding your teenager's emotional outbursts to be difficult to manage, or they seem abnormal to you, consider making an appointment with their doctor to make sure that everything is okay. Your doctor may suggest getting them evaluated for any mental health concerns. You may wish to get them evaluated if you have noticed:
    • A decrease in school performance.
    • Problems with attention, concentration, or memory.
    • Big changes in appetite, sleeping, or energy levels.
    • Frequent aggressive behavior or lashing out.
    • Crying, anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness.
    • Poor hygiene.
    • Recurrent physical symptoms, such as stomach aches or headaches.
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    Make sure your teenager is not using drugs or alcohol. If you suspect your teenager is abusing alcohol or drugs, confront them with your suspicions. Even recreational drug or alcohol use can cause serious repercussions for a teen, from legal consequences to lasting effects on the brain.[16]
    • Make note of your child's suspicious behavior; for example, times they came home smelling like smoke or alcohol, or staying out well past curfew.
    • If you have prescriptions that have potential to be abused, count how many pills you have.
    • Keep track of anything unusual and use this evidence to confront your child.
    • Bring your teen to the doctor and ask the doctor to do a drug screen.
    • Your doctor can ask your child several questions about drug habits, assess their level of risk, and do a urine or blood screen.[17]
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    Consider counseling. You may wish to have your teenager start seeing a counselor to help them understand their behavior, explore their feelings, and develop strategies for handling triggering situations. You could ask your doctor or your local health department for counselor recommendations.
    • Consider family therapy if you see the issues with your teenager to be problems that stem from family dynamic issues.
    • You and your teenager, along with the rest of your family, may learn better ways to communicate with each other, as well as hash out any family concerns with a professional present.[18]
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    Teach your teenager emotional coping strategies. People of every age can benefit from learning calming techniques and learning better ways to take care of themselves when stressed. Consider discussing some strategies with your teen:
    • Teach some calming techniques to your teen, like meditation or yoga, or show them some favorite calming strategies of your own.
    • Talk to them about self-care. Self-care are activities that improve your physical, mental, or spiritual health.
    • These activities are different for different people, but often include activities like exercise, taking time to yourself, or spending time in nature.
    • Help your teenager find nourishing activities that help them feel better.[19]
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do I deal with my teenage son?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Don't assume that you can't deal with or communicate with your teenage son. That is a cop-out. Assume that it is possible. Read a few articles on communicating with teens and take an inventory on where your own weak points are. You are most in control of your own behavior.
  • Question
    How do you deal with teenage rage?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Certainly do not react to rage with your own rage. Give your teen some time to calm down. Say something like, "Let's talk this evening after dinner when we will both be calmer."
  • Question
    How do you deal with a difficult teenager?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    You deal with them with a lot of communication and choosing your battles—which areas are worth focusing on and making a point about. Give them some space if they are upset, and set a time in an hour to sit down and talk about the problem.
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References

  1. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201505/how-be-empathetic
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201505/how-be-empathetic
  4. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition#how_to_cultivate
  5. ↑ http://www.familycircle.com/teen/parenting/communicating/help-teens-make-smart-decisions/
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/savvy-parenting/201312/when-parents-say-i-m-sorry-they-are-saying-so-much-more
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/savvy-parenting/201312/when-parents-say-i-m-sorry-they-are-saying-so-much-more
  8. ↑ http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/newsletter/2014/12/adolescence-development.aspx
  9. ↑ http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/672-building-effective-youth-adult-partnerships
  1. ↑ http://resourcecenter.cuna.org/331/article/3661/html
  2. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/23/how-to-de-escalate-fights-with-family-members/
  3. ↑ http://www.apa.org/pubs/info/brochures/develop.aspx
  4. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml
  5. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml
  6. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml
  7. ↑ https://drugfree.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Intervention-eBook.pdf
  8. ↑ https://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/treatment/what-to-do-if-your-teen-or-young-adult-has-problem-drugs
  9. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/family-therapy/basics/definition/prc-20014423
  10. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-care

About This Article

Klare Heston, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 38,320 times.
13 votes - 85%
Co-authors: 26
Updated: December 29, 2022
Views: 38,320
Categories: Raising Teens
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