How to Break the No Contact Rule

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: July 17, 2022 References

The no contact rule isn’t always for everyone. Whether you started the no contact rule because you wanted to get your ex back or needed some space to focus on yourself, sometimes breaking it is necessary. Maybe you miss your ex too much or have to tie up some loose ends with them. We know breaking your promise to not speak to your ex can be hard, so we’ve answered some of your questions about breaking the no contact rule.

Section 1 of 6:

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is a 30 day period where you don’t talk to your ex. That means absolutely no communication whatsoever—no texting, calling, messaging on social media, visiting, sending letters, and anything else that can get you in contact with your ex!^{[1]
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Research source} This is definitely tricky, especially right after a breakup, but the no contact rule is meant to either help you get your ex back or give you time to move on.^{[2]
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- If you want to get your ex back, the no contact rule will make your ex miss you. By giving your ex space, they may long for you. This can help you persuade them to take you back.
- If you want to move on from your ex, the no contact rule lets you experience life without your ex. It’ll give you time to gather your thoughts and process your emotions.
- You don’t necessarily need your ex’s permission to start the no contact rule, but giving them a heads up never hurts.

Section 2 of 6:

When to Break the No Contact Rule

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You want to extend the no-contact agreement. Typically, the no contact rule lasts at least 30 days, but it can go on for as long as you like. You are the one setting the rules, so if you need more time to process things, let your ex know that.^{[3]
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Research source} Send them a quick, brief text letting them know that you want to extend your no contact period.
- “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I’m extending the no contact period for another 30 days. I need more time to think. Thanks for understanding.”
- “I think it would be best if we extend our no contact rule for another 30 days. I’ll reach out to you when I’m ready to talk.”
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You live or work with your ex. Being in close quarters with your ex may make following the no contact rule difficult. Completely avoiding your ex when you’re in the same space is just not ideal.^{[4]
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- Limited contact may be an idea if you’re in this situation. Tell your ex how you’re feeling and lay out some ground rules. Try only talking to each other about daily chores or job duties.
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Break the rule if children are involved and you need to discuss care issues. If you have kids with your ex, following the no contact rule may not be possible. You have a family to look out for, and even if you hate the idea of talking to your ex, you may need help caring for your children.^{[6]
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- Maintain boundaries by limiting contact with your ex. Try to only talk to them about your children or care issues.
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You might need to call your ex if there's an emergency. No one can predict the future, and it may be worth breaking the no contact rule if your ex is the only one you can call. Say you are in an accident or need help immediately. If your ex is the only one close enough to get to you in a time of emergency, call them. Your safety is more important than following the no contact rule.
- If calling your ex would put you in more danger, do not call them. Your well-being is the number one priority.

Section 3 of 6:

How to Break the No Contact Rule

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Choose a public place to meet in-person. This way there will be no temptation to make-up in any way that is more than friendly or explicitly mean. Talking face-to-face will help you and your ex listen to each other and be aware of each other’s emotions. A public space will also help you both be courteous about what you’re saying, avoiding any potential explosions of rage or affection.^{[7]
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- Try meeting up at a coffee shop, local restaurant, or park.
- Talking while you eat can help calm your nerves and give you something else to focus on if the conversation gets tense.
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Set ground rules to make for a smooth transition. Let your ex know exactly what you want to talk about before you meet. Making sure everyone is on the same page will make the meeting go smoothly. Tell them how long you want to chat and what you want to work out. Things can go much more smoothly if you’re both on the same page!^{[8]
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- Set a time limit for catching up. This way no one will take up more than the time necessary to fill the other person in.
- Try to avoid dragging out your meeting time. You want to keep things short and simple for your and your ex’s sake.
- Focus on topics like your relationship moving forward, if you’ll be in contact with each other, and what the next step should be.
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Be honest with your ex. Honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to relationships. Tell your ex exactly what’s on your mind—no mind games or false promises. When you’re talking with them, focus on yourself by using “I” statements. It can be easy to point the finger, but frame your language around your wants and needs moving forward.^{[9]
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- “I think it would be best if we’re just friends.”
- “I want to try being in a relationship with you.”
- “I need some more time to think.”
- Be clear and concise with what you have to say. You don’t want to leave any room for misinterpretation!
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Listen to what your ex has to say. Even if you were the one to start the no contact rule, it’s important to hear your ex out. Knowing how you both want to move forward can help you both move on, whether that’s with or without each other.^{[10]
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- Actively listen to what your ex has to say by reflecting on what they say and reacting appropriately. If you agree with what they’re saying, nod. If you need them to clarify something, ask.^{[11]
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Section 4 of 6:

Pitfalls of Breaking the No Contact Rule

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You may appear desperate. Your ex may think you’re too eager if you reach out to them during your no contact period. When you feel the urge to message them, take a deep breath and contact a friend instead.^{[12]
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- Let your ex be the first one to break the no contact rule, especially if you’re following it to try and get them back.
- It’s easy to fall into a pattern of worrying about what other people think, but if reaching out to your ex and breaking the no contact rule is what’s best for you, do it. Your well-being is what’s important.
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You might get hurt. Your ex may not be ready to get back together. Reaching out before the no contact period is over could break your heart all over again. Instead of focusing on your ex, focus on you. Sign up for an art class or go to the movies with friends. Do things that will help you grow during this difficult time.^{[13]
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You may get false hopes. Sending that text to your ex may seem harmless, especially when they text back with a heartfelt message, but the sudden affection may be their way of manipulating you.^{[14]
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Research source} Recovering from a relationship isn’t easy, but sticking to the no contact rule can help you heal.
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You have to start the process all over again. The rule is designed to give you the appropriate amount of time to heal and bounce back, so by breaking it, you might have to start over. That means if you reach out to your ex on day 25, you’ve got to hit that reset button and start back at day 1. Ask yourself if breaking the no contact rule is worth it.^{[15]
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- Remember why you started a no contact period. Did you start it to heal? To try and win your ex back? You’re nearing the finishing line—you just gotta keep going!

Section 5 of 6:

When to Stick to the No Contact Rule

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You need space to heal. Breakups sting like nothing else and can really put you through the wringer, and sometimes not contacting your ex is the best way for you to move on. Feeling sad, angry, and frustrated is normal, so don’t push those emotions away. The no contact rule can help you recover by giving you time to sit with your feelings and reflect on the relationship.^{[16]
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You are panicking about your relationship status. We know you’ve probably heard it a million times before, but there are a million fish in the sea. Right now, you may think there is nobody else out there for you, but the universe works in mysterious ways. Stick to the no contact rule instead of running back to your ex because there could be someone else out there.^{[17]
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- Your breakup isn’t a failure, but a chance for a new beginning.
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You want to show your ex how well you’re doing. Prove to your ex that you are just as capable without them by moving forward. You don’t need them to keep living—you’ve got your whole life ahead of you! Sticking to the no contact rule will help you get back to prioritizing yourself.^{[18]
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- If you’re using the no contact rule to try and get your ex back, continuing to live your life without them could make them jealous and miss you more.
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Someone else is pushing you to break the rule. Be aware of other people’s agendas when debating whether or not to break or stick with the no contact rule. Your ex may start acting melodramatically or guilt-tripping you into taking them back. Hold your ground and listen to your gut.^{[19]
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- If someone, including your ex, tries to talk you out of the no contact rule, ask yourself if the rule is something you really want to go through with.
- Respond by starting the no contact rule anyway. No one gets to write your story but you!
- Tell them why you’re thinking about the no contact rule. You may open their mind to the idea, especially if they’re not sure what the rule is.

Section 6 of 6:

What’s Next After No Contact?

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Start a new no contact rule. If you break the no contact rule or feel like you need more time to process things, consider extending the rule. Add on an extra week, two weeks, or even another 30 days. Follow your gut and do what’s best for you.^{[20]
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- Ask yourself if you’re ready to move on or want to reach back out to your ex. Would you like a second shot at a romantic relationship with them, a friendship, or no contact whatsoever?
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Give your ex space to think. No matter what happens between you and your ex, it’s important to be considerate of their feelings. Even if you’re ready to move forward and start communicating again, your ex might not. Be honest with them about what you want to see if they want the same thing.^{[21]
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- “What can I do to help you move on?”
- “How do you feel about getting back together?”
- “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
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Reach out for help. There’s no shame in asking for a little help, especially when you’ve just been through a breakup and a long no contact period. Talk to a therapist, counselor, or even a close friend to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings.^{[22]
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