How to Be Aloof

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan

Last Updated: May 27, 2022 References Approved

When you think of an aloof person, you probably think of someone who’s uninterested, detached, and a little cold. Despite its negative rap, aloofness can actually be useful sometimes. Maybe you need to shut out difficult people in your life or distance yourself from an ex lover. Whatever your reasons, you first need to understand when it’s appropriate to be aloof, and when it’s not. Then, you can work on being aloof by limiting conversation, appearing busy, and staying cool, calm and collected at all times.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Appearing Generally Disinterested

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Reduce your participation in conversations. If you see people conversing in a group, don’t approach them. If someone tries to strike up a conversation, respond politely, but keep the conversation brief.^{[1]
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- Make a specific excuse to exit the conversation. Say something like, “I need to run to the bathroom” or “I have to get back to work.”^{[2]
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- Tell the other person it was nice talking to them to wrap things up. You could say, “Well, it was good to see you.”
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Keep conversations superficial when they occur. Being aloof is all about seeming disinterested, so don’t get into the deep stuff during conversation. Stick to surface-level topics like work, weather, current events, and sports. Avoid sharing details about your personal life and don’t encourage other people to do so.^{[3]
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- Don’t ask questions. Asking questions keeps the conversation going and shows you’re interested in the other person, encouraging them to share more.^{[4]
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Appear calm and unruffled. An important part of being aloof is showing little emotion. Even in tense situations, you should do your best to remain cool, calm, and collected. If your aloofness is directed towards a specific person, try to think of your interactions like a science project--interesting, maybe, but with no emotional involvement.
- Take a few deep breaths if you’re getting worked up. Excuse yourself from the situation if things feel like they’re about to boil over.^{[5]
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- If you can’t calm yourself down on the inside, make sure you look calm on the outside. Keep your facial expression neutral, relax your shoulders, and unclench your fists.^{[6]
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Make it seem like you’re busy. Even if you aren’t that busy, you should make an effort to look like you are. Don’t linger after work or stop for a leisurely chat at the water cooler. Don’t respond to calls and texts immediately or accept invitations right away.^{[7]
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- Decline at least some of the invitations that come your way.
- If you don’t want to cut people off cold turkey, you can gradually spend less and less time with them.^{[8]
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Don’t be rude. Being aloof doesn’t mean being rude. It means appearing emotionally detached and uninterested. You can be polite and aloof at the same time--in fact, you should be!^{[9]
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- When someone talks to you, acknowledge them at the very least. Ignoring someone completely is generally a no-no.^{[10]
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- It's important to communicate your interest in being distant and taking things slowly. It isn't always a good idea to ask the other person to make an assumption that you're not interested.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Aloof Towards an Ex

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Date or flirt with other people. Pretty much all of the general advice applies to exes, but there are some specific steps you can take to be more aloof around exes, too. Don’t hang around them all night giving them longing stares and puppy dog eyes. Get out there and talk to other people. You may even get a date or two.^{[11]
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- Rebound relationships can actually help you move on. Just make sure you feel ready.^{[12]
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- Remember that it is okay to love different people for different reasons. All you gotta do is evaluate if you're feeling healed enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone else. Make sure you understand that the new relationship may be very different from your former relationship with your ex, though.
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Limit physical contact. Physical touch is a way to express affection, which you definitely want to limit in your efforts to be aloof. Avoid all forms of touching if you can, including hugging, holding hands, kissing, and sex.^{[13]
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Go to other people for help. It may be tempting to call up your ex when you’re feeling emotional, but don’t. Reach out to other loved ones for help. Sharing your deep emotions with your ex hardly looks aloof.^{[14]
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Try to let go of anger towards them. You may be harboring some deep-seeded anger towards your ex. Being aloof will be much easier if you let that anger go. Try to forgive them for any past wrongs or hurts.^{[15]
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- When negative thoughts about your ex pop into your head, counter them with positive thoughts. Address the thought “I can’t believe he left me,” with one like, “It’s better off this way. I deserve someone who respects me and treats me right.”^{[16]
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- Focus on the positive things in your life, like your amazing family and friends.^{[17]
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- View your relationship as a learning experience. Think about how you can apply the lessons you learned to future relationships to make them stronger and happier.^{[18]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Choosing the Right Time to Be Aloof

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Use aloofness as a last resort to deal with conflict. If you have a fight with a friend or coworker, try to talk through the problem first. Being cold and aloof can permanently damage a relationship, so make sure you’re ready to cut off contact before giving them the cold shoulder.^{[19]
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Be aloof to distance yourself from toxic relationships. Aloofness can be useful--and even necessary--if you need to protect yourself from a toxic friend or ex. That's because aloofness allows you to limit your emotional involvement with people who hurt you in the past.^{[20]
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Use aloofness at work to maintain focus and avoid drama. Aloofness can be helpful if you need to emotionally distance yourself from co-worker drama or have a stressful job that calls for intense focus. However, in more social jobs that require teamwork, it may not be the best idea.^{[21]
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- Don’t be aloof towards your boss unless it’s absolutely necessary. To keep your job and have a good work experience, It’s important that you stay on friendly terms.
- A little bit of aloofness at work can help you buckle down and meet necessary deadlines.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you be aloof if someone is flirting with you?

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Focus on being subtle without hurting the other person's feelings. Make sure that you're not giving any mixed messages by holding their hand or touching them on the shoulder playfully.
Question

What if I am there for someone who is going through some trauma, but they take out their feelings on me, and are now negative and cold to me? What can I do?

Community Answer

Try not to take it personal and imagine the hurt they must feel. Sometimes listening and making an appearance is more than enough.
Question

How can I stop being so dependent on others?

Community Answer

Start doing more things yourself, and eventually you'll get there. If you're old enough, consider saving money so you can move out and be more independent.

Warnings

Try not to make aloofness a habit. It can be useful sometimes, but don’t let it become your permanent persona.

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