How to Have Compassion for Yourself — and Why It's Important

Co-authored by Annie Lin, MBA

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

You’ve probably heard of having compassion for other people, but do you have compassion for yourself? Self-compassion isn't talked about too much, but it’s a huge part of your mental health. It's about accepting yourself for who you are, despite your flaws or failures. Like with everything, building self-compassion takes practice and reflection, and it’s fine if you don’t know where to start. We’re here to answer all the questions you might have about it.

Question 1 of 10:

Why is self-compassion important?

Self-compassion makes up a key part of your mental health. If you’re always critical and judgmental of yourself, then you’ll start feeling depressed, inadequate, anxious, and like you don’t deserve compassion from others. This is a terrible way to feel, and it’s bad for your mental health. Practicing self-compassion can make you feel more positive, happier, and overall better each and every day.^{[1]
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Question 2 of 10:

Why is developing self-compassion hard?

It's tough because it’s easy to get into a negative thinking pattern. Many people find self-compassion hard, so you’re not alone at all. Over time, patterns of negative thinking become a habit, and it’s a hard habit to break. Changing your thinking is like retraining your brain, so it takes some time and dedication to do.^{[2]
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- It’s especially normal to have poor self-compassion if you’ve suffered with mental illness in the past. Issues like depression and anxiety make you overly critical of yourself.
- You can also fall into this pattern if you grew up in a strict or critical environment.

Question 3 of 10:

What are the elements of self-compassion?

There are three main components of self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, who pioneered research in self-compassion, identifies these elements as self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Working on all three can dramatically improve your self-compassion.^{[3]
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- Self-kindness: This means being warm and understanding towards yourself, even if you fail. It’s about accepting yourself, including your flaws, and being happy with yourself as a person.
- Common humanity: This means understanding that suffering and disappointment are part of the overall human experience. You aren’t weird or abnormal for having flaws. Everyone on the planet has them, then you don’t have to feel alone and isolated.
- Mindfulness: This is a non-judgmental state of mind where you can assess yourself objectively. Don’t deny your feelings, even the negative ones. Accept that these feelings are part of you.

Question 4 of 10:

Can I improve my self-compassion?

Like everything, you can improve your self-compassion with practice. It takes time and patience, but there are a lot of exercises you can do to show more compassion for yourself. Here are a few:^{[4]
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- Encourage yourself with positive self-talk. If you mess up, don’t say things like “I’m so stupid” or “I’ll never get this right.” Replace those negative phrases with positive ones like “I can do this” or “I’ll get it next time.”
- Write yourself a letter analyzing what went wrong. If things don’t go your way, write out what happened objectively, without blaming yourself or anyone else.
- Take personal responsibility for your part in the situation. Then, forgive yourself and think about what you can do differently in the future.^{[5]
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  Annie Lin, MBA
  Life & Career Coach
  Expert Interview. 25 March 2020.}
- Remind yourself that you're not alone. No matter what you’re feeling, there are tons of other people in the world feeling the same thing. This helps you feel less isolated.^{[6]
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- Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend you care about. If your friend is having a tough time, you wouldn’t tell them they’re stupid and deserve it, right? So why would you do that to yourself?^{[7]
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Question 5 of 10:

What do I do if I’m thinking negatively?

Distracting yourself is the best way to stop negative thoughts. It’s only normal to have negative thoughts creep into your head, so don’t get discouraged when this happens. The best thing to do is acknowledge your feelings—let yourself really feel them for a few moments.^{[8]
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Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach
Expert Interview. 25 March 2020.} Then, distract yourself. There are a few good ways to do this.^{[9]
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- Stop and focus on breathing deeply. Take 10 deep breaths in and let them out slowly.
- Do a “body scan” by focusing on all the sensations in your body from your toes up to your head.
- Take a walk to clear your head.

Question 6 of 10:

Does my health have anything to do with self-compassion?

Absolutely, your physical and mental health are connected. Feeling bad physically often makes you feel bad mentally, and vice versa. Taking some daily steps to support your physical health can give a boost to your mood and self-compassion.^{[10]
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Harvard Medical School
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- Follow a healthy diet full of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean protein, and whole grains.
- Exercise regularly to release endorphins and boost your mood.^{[11]
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- Get 7-8 hours of sleep every night. Feeling tired really depresses your mood and will make you feel worse.^{[12]
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  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
  Go to source}

Question 7 of 10:

Is self-compassion the same as self-esteem?

They're related, but self-compassion is more about accepting yourself. Self-esteem is about psyching yourself up to feel more confident. However, it doesn’t allow much room to process failure. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about accepting yourself, even if you fail. Success has nothing to do with it.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Self-esteem is important, but it’s possible to overdo it and develop some negative qualities. For example, you might try to maintain your high self-esteem by seeing yourself as better than others. Self-compassion avoids these pitfalls.
- Still, self-esteem and self-compassion tend to go hand in hand. People with a good sense of both are much happier than average.

Question 8 of 10:

I have depression—can I still build my self-compassion?

Of course, there’s no reason you can’t still build your self-compassion. In fact, it’s even more important to work on your self-compassion if you’re depressed, because your compassion level is probably low. It might take some more work, but it’s definitely worth it for your overall mental health.^{[14]
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- Exercises like positive self-talk, self-encouragement, distraction and refocusing, and treating yourself like a friend are all great activities to improve your self-compassion, even if you have depression.
- Also remember that you’re not alone. Many people struggle with depression, and you don’t need to feel isolated.

Question 9 of 10:

What does self-compassion feel like?

Generally, self-compassion has a very calming feeling. Everyone experiences it differently, but practicing self-compassion is like a weight lifting off you. When you’re no longer self-critical and accept yourself as you are, you’ll probably feel much calmer and more relaxed.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Since an element of self-compassion is realizing that other people go through the same emotions, you might also feel a stronger connection to the people around you.
- Self-compassion might also have a strong effect on your brain, making it produce hormones to improve your mood.

Question 10 of 10:

What do I do if none of these steps work?

Getting professional help from a therapist is the best option. It’s not always easy to improve your mental health on your own and there’s no shame in that. A therapist can give you exercises and guidance to be more compassionate with yourself, improving your mental health overall.^{[16]
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- Seeing a therapist is especially important if you struggle with other mental health issues like depression. These are tough problems to solve yourself, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it alone.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I stop thinking negatively?

Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach
Annie Lin is the founder of New York Life Coaching, a life and career coaching service based in Manhattan. Her holistic approach, combining elements from both Eastern and Western wisdom traditions, has made her a highly sought-after personal coach. Annie’s work has been featured in Elle Magazine, NBC News, New York Magazine, and BBC World News. She holds an MBA degree from Oxford Brookes University. Annie is also the founder of the New York Life Coaching Institute which offers a comprehensive life coach certification program. Learn more: https://newyorklifecoaching.com

Annie Lin, MBA

Life & Career Coach

Expert Answer

Practice mindfulness to bring you back into the present moment. Remember, it's not possible to unwind the past. However, you can change how you think about it, so make a conscious choice about what you're focusing on.
Question

How can I forgive myself for making a mistake?

Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach
Annie Lin is the founder of New York Life Coaching, a life and career coaching service based in Manhattan. Her holistic approach, combining elements from both Eastern and Western wisdom traditions, has made her a highly sought-after personal coach. Annie’s work has been featured in Elle Magazine, NBC News, New York Magazine, and BBC World News. She holds an MBA degree from Oxford Brookes University. Annie is also the founder of the New York Life Coaching Institute which offers a comprehensive life coach certification program. Learn more: https://newyorklifecoaching.com

Annie Lin, MBA

Life & Career Coach

Expert Answer

When those feelings come up, allow yourself to feel them completely instead of trying to escape from them. Breathe consciously through the physical and mental discomfort. Also, take personal responsibility for your part in the situation. Think whether there's any action you need to take to correct it, and think about what you can do differently in the future.