How to Pinpoint Red Flags on Your Date

Check out your date's manners. Does the person you're dating have good manners according to the context within which you're dating? If not, this can be a sign of not caring about other aspects of life either, such as staying polite with you long after the dating euphoria is over. On the other hand, if manners don't really fuss you that much, this might not matter too much.

• If your date is rude to other people on the date, this is a red flag. If he or she is capable of this with others, don't feel that it can't be turned on you later.^[1]

Notice any mention of sex on the first date. Where this occurs, it's quite probable that he or she has but one interest in mind, which could suggest that any further dating won't be that meaningful to him or her. Note that any attempts to guilt you into having sex are a deal breaker.

• Watch for smutty or suggestive comments that make you feel uncomfortable rather than respected. Trust your internal radar on this one.

Watch out if the ex gets a starring role in your conversations. If he or she keeps on bringing up the ex, it won't be long before comparisons between you and the ex start happening. Either this person isn't over the ex or there is a lot of anger that's as yet unresolved and you are the rebound person. Since you're not the first person your date is focused on, move on as soon as it's polite to do so. You can't change someone who is fixated and you deserve someone who is focused on you.

Beware the competitive dater. Notice the signs of a person who needs desperately to be better, stronger, wittier or even noisier than you. If your date insists on winning every game, outwitting you at every turn and talking over you whenever you try to say something interesting, you may be facing someone who is incredibly competitive (either that, or they're rather insecure). Unless you enjoy out-competing your romantic interest, consider twice about hitching your star to this ride.

• Be aware that a person who is more focused on winning rather than having fun with you can be intense, driven and ignorant of your needs and wants. That's not really match made in heaven. On the other hand, a healthy dose of competitiveness about standard things, such as getting a good promotion or winning a triathlon is fine. Be sure to ask questions and observe the context of the competitiveness before judging.
• In some cases, you may have a similar passion that drew you together, such as politics, sports or faith, that the person feels a need to out-compete you to prove that he or she is super way more into that thing than you. Be really wary of this, as it can end up with you being criticized for not being as involved as he or she is, turning what was once a fun shared passion into an unwanted contest in which you keep losing.

Stand clear of Mr. or Ms. Obnoxious. If all your date can manage is to talk non-stop about himself or herself, and won't stop to hear your story or input, then you are facing a very big red flag.^[2] This person is liable to stay this way, needing to be the center of attention, unwilling to listen to you and possibly even lacking in empathy or consideration for others. Call for the check.

• Watch out for the humblebrag. This is the person who says things like: "I don't mean to be a show-off but I make a seven figure income for doing what comes naturally." or "I don't want to sound full of myself but I am so good at X, I could practically wipe the floor of any competition." False modesty is always prefaced by someone not meaning to sound a certain way but then ending up sounding that way. If you want to listen to that for a lifetime, stick around. If not, keep this red flag front and center of you when making your decision about that second date.
• Bragging about education is boring. Why should it matter on date one where he or she went to school? Even worse if he or she seems overly concerned with your schooling. Ask whether he or she would rather you'd had your date in a high school because that's what it has started to feel like all over again.
• Does this person want to know about you? Beware if he or she fails to ask about you during the date.
• If it's clear that you are only as valuable as your connections, skills or utility to this person, move on fast.

Don't get involved with someone who oozes nothing but negativity. For this person, the world is always upside down, things that go wrong are always someone else's fault and everything you care about will have some rotten edge to it that just has to be pointed out to "enlighten" you as to what can go wrong or is wrong. It is hard to be on an even keel around this sort of person and it can really bring you down if you're not careful. Take the hint from the conversation being nothing but negative and call end time on the date. You need someone to build you up with positivity, not the other way around.

• If something bad has genuinely happened to your date, be sympathetic. But seriously, he or she should not have arranged a date in the middle of a catastrophe––there is a reason for prioritizing the things that matter.
• Avoid someone who is in clear need of constant validation. Any mention of not being good enough for you, wondering out loud why anyone would love him or her, or anything of the sort is a prompt for you to list all their terrific points, just to give them a boost. It's awkward, it's painful and it's a poor show on a first date.

Take heed of the nitpicker. It's great to split costs when you first date, and it's a wise thing to do. However, if you're on a date with someone who insists that you pay a few dollars more for the drinks or food, just because your drink or food was slightly pricier, in place of the simple equation of just splitting the bill in half, realize that this person is liable to always be this way. If you can live with that, then fine. But if you believe that generosity and respect carry the weight of the day, you may wish to steer clear of this type of dater.

• This sort of person may be obsessed with small details. This can cause you to feel spied upon, checked on and scrutinized if taken to extremes, so heed this red flag early on!

Balance your preference for a date's sense of humor with the date's sense of appropriateness. While the funny side of this guy or girl might be what attracted you in the first place, making impolite or politically incorrect jokes on a first date is a fail. Such jokes are not funny, they do not reveal a sense of humor and equally, they do not serve as a test you have to pass to prove your sense of humor. This kind of joking is a red flag.

• In turn, be wary of any date who expects a laugh when he or she cracks a joke but barely blinks when you offer one of your own. This could indicate an unwillingness to be genuinely warm and involved in the relationship.

Beware any form of put-down, condescending attitude or joking comments about yourself. Any talk of this type is a warning sign that this guy or girl isn't averse to picking on you to feel better. It may come across as a joke, a flippant comment or an attempt to make a kindly suggestion for improvement but seriously, who tries to put down a person on a first date? Only someone who can't help but do this as a way of coping, all the time. Steer well clear.

• Another red flag is the guy or girl who puts all women and men into some sort of generalized "bad person" basket. Not only does the need to generalize give reason for caution but such broad scale moralizing can be a sign of actually disliking the gender being picked on, which may well mean you too.

Take care if you are informed of how your date likes "his women" or "her guys". The implication is that you'd better conform, or else you don't make the grade. Nothing says "controlling" more than this sort of demand, no matter how matter-of-factly or nicely it is expressed.

Notice the level of drinking. If your date is more interested in the next cocktail than in learning about you, that's not a great sign. An even worse sign is that your date ends up incredibly drunk. On a first date, that's major disrespect.